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Giving birth to hope (and a baby)

33 Comments

I had a day last week filled with both excitement and dread. The dread ended up deflating itself once brought into the light of day, leaving me only with excitement. Through it all I was reminded that dread, in my experience, is the enemy of hope. (Retrospect is a beautiful thing, friends.)

In the wake of some unexpected (and thrilling) news about a writing opportunity, I felt bolstered in my willingness to handle disappointment, so I decided to give those two little lines a try. Would they show?

It’s amazing how something so sacred can be bound up in peeing on a stick – a true glimpse into the glamorous, ordinary work of motherhood.

I was dreading not being pregnant and being devastated once again. I’ve now known months upon months of bathroom crying – disappointed again, discouraged again.

(As much as I profess to be a roller coaster sort of park-goer, I confess that I’ve sometimes wanted to sneak on to the predictability of the ferris wheel – the safety of knowing what to expect, even if that knowing meant not ‘trying’ so as not to be disappointed. Yes, a defeatist’s escape – not a very noteworthy course – but a seemingly “safer” one when you’re weary from the wild ride of the unknown.)

I was also dreading the notion that if I was pregnant, I might not be able to gracefully handle the fear and anxiety trying to hitch a ride on the coattails of pregnancy in the wake of miscarriage. Would I be an emotional wreck? Would I be a paranoid lunatic? Would I be able to enjoy being pregnant?

They say losing a baby robs a woman of the “innocence” of pregnancy. And perhaps for once, they are actually right. The weight of potential loss is so real, so poignant.

And Yet.

And Yet.

And yet there is God – the One Who Mothers Me. This Mother-God, he holds me and comforts me and reassures me that I’m not in this alone, and that—always—his grace is cut to measure for exactly what I’ll need.

So I held a little tighter on the roller coaster grip and took the test and, yes, I was—I am—pregnant. Perfectly, wonderfully, delightfully pregnant. (A greater gift I’m not sure is possible.)

We now have a “made in the USA” baby to add to our family. How wonderful!

Pregnancy announcement - made in the USA

This journey may be different than my pregnancy with Levi or Judah or Scarlett, but I’m determined to enjoy this one, too.

I’ve dealt with the fear and the dread and the what-if’s (and commit to as much as I need to, should those villains rear their ugly heads again), and I carry our baby in hope and expectation. I mother her in faith. I grow him in grace.

And I feel confident that this is the day that the Lord has made. I will surely be glad and rejoice in it.

This baby is a gift, no matter how long we have together (may it be decades! multiple decades!) and I’m all too aware that “my” children don’t ultimately belong to me (or my husband). We’ve given them to God, and as many times as I personally have to, I’ll offer them back into his hands.

Because it’s there they’ll be safe.

You guys, we’re having a baby! Due in January 2015. This is wonderful, wonderful news and I’m just thrilled to share it with the world.

Pray for baby? Pray for us?

Love,
A

 

 

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33 Comments

  • Reply Victoria 28 May 2014 at 2:27 pm

    Congratulations! Have faith in your body to carry this baby well; enjoy and cherish every moment until USABaby arrives.

    • Reply Adriel 31 May 2014 at 9:29 pm

      thank you victoria!

  • Reply Laura 28 May 2014 at 2:30 pm

    Oh Adriel so happy for you!! Praying for a joy filled pregnancy and that sweet baby!!

  • Reply Holly 28 May 2014 at 2:32 pm

    Adriel,

    This news is so incredibly wonderful!!! I will be praying for you and the tiny one growing inside!!!!

  • Reply Ana 28 May 2014 at 2:32 pm

    Yay! Praying for you. Praying for the tiny babe growing in you. Praying for continued healing from the past, for the spirit of fear never invade your body as you carry this precious tiny soul in you, for you to be flooded with piece that passes all understanding. I am praying!!

  • Reply Ana 28 May 2014 at 2:34 pm

    Please excuse all my grammar mistakes! My phone hates me, and I didn’t take the time to edit before posting 😛

  • Reply Erin 28 May 2014 at 2:39 pm

    Praying for you guys, but so excited for another cutie in your family. I love one of your last paragraphs where you talk about the babies and your husband ultimately being God’s. Something I hope I can understand and cling to when I have my own family. <3 You guys!

  • Reply Meg 28 May 2014 at 4:22 pm

    So fun! Congratulations!
    Meg recently posted..Little PersonalitiesMy Profile

  • Reply Becky 28 May 2014 at 6:05 pm

    Congratulations! Such happy news! Praying for a peaceful, blessed pregnancy. 🙂
    Becky recently posted..Enjoying the Library with Little OnesMy Profile

  • Reply Lisa @bitesforbabies 28 May 2014 at 6:31 pm

    What wonderful news, especially after all that you’ve been through!! CONGRATS!!!

  • Reply Nessa 28 May 2014 at 7:23 pm

    Congratulations!!! Oh I am so very hapoy for you. Prayers for you and baby. Live joyously in this time.
    Nessa recently posted..dear deedleMy Profile

  • Reply amanda 28 May 2014 at 8:18 pm

    yay, yay, yay! so excited about this precious “made in America” baby!
    amanda recently posted..east coast surprise visitMy Profile

  • Reply Lindsay Stevenson 29 May 2014 at 5:54 am

    Adriel, that is beautiful news! Congratulations. Prayers that fear will not rob you of joy during the months ahead. I know it’s so hard not let fear for something so out our control rule us, but God is ever faithful. He goes before us and behind us!
    Lindsay Stevenson recently posted..Can We Take a Walk?My Profile

  • Reply Ruth 29 May 2014 at 6:48 am

    I’m beyond excited for you Adriel! Yeah for your American baby!

  • Reply Jody Lee Collins 29 May 2014 at 7:21 am

    Oh, and now I’m crying…. So happy for you and Ryan, Adriel. What joyous news.

  • Reply Beth 30 May 2014 at 6:20 pm

    Congrats! I’m so excited for you! I too just nervously found out I am pregnant again after loss (many, many losses), due New Year!
    Beth recently posted..Prayers pleaseMy Profile

    • Reply Adriel 31 May 2014 at 9:45 pm

      Oh goodness Beth – first of all, huge congratulations!!! We are in this together! And secondly, I’m praying that God just covers every single detail for you during this pregnancy and that your baby will live many, many days longer than YOU!!!! Let it be, Jesus!! xo
      Adriel recently posted..I’m going to write a book for you… and give it away for free.My Profile

  • Reply Mindy 31 May 2014 at 10:56 am

    COngratulations! Praying for you and for the baby.

  • Reply lisha epperson 31 May 2014 at 9:13 pm

    that’s beautiful news and from one warrior to another, an incredibly sweet bit of justice to coincide with a new writing opportunity. such good things…all born of His grace. Will remember you in prayer Adriel.

    • Reply Adriel 31 May 2014 at 9:51 pm

      Thank you so much Lisha. God is ultimately so, so good. As you know, sometimes the breakthrough feels a long time coming, and yet, when it does, it all seems to make so much sense. Appreciate your prayers, friend! xo
      Adriel recently posted..When words failMy Profile

  • Reply Jessica R 23 June 2014 at 2:26 am

    Ahh hooray! Just catching up and seeing this post! God is good.

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