Dealing with gender disappointment in pregnancy

The taboo topic of gender dissapointment in pregnancy - a much more common issue than most of us like to admit.

How I dealt with gender disappointment during pregnancy when finding out I was having a boy.

We were convinced it was a girl. We wanted a girl. We even had chosen a girl’s name while we were still engaged—long before a baby was on the scene. So when the sonographer told us “it’s a boy” it came as a huge surprise.

But the bigger surprise was how much disappointment came with hearing those three little words.

I was shocked by it in fact.

I genuinely thought I’d be happy either way.

But I wasn’t. I was sad.

(Ok, I was actually happy and sad – you get it, right?)

My husband squeezed my hand. Though I may have been hiding it from everyone else, he could read the look on my face. And he probably knew me better than I even knew myself.

It wasn’t just that the news caught us by surprise; the deeper issue was that I was ashamed at my sadness.

The guilt of feeling the way I did came crashing in immediately.

© Adriel Booker — do not use without permission

Experiencing gender disappointment made me feel like a failure as a mother.

I was desperate that my baby would feel no sense of rejection over his life from us, even stemming from his time in the womb, and so the fact that I dealt with these emotions made me feel like a failure before he was even in my arms.

But over the next few days the news began to sink in.

I’m having a boy.

I always wanted a boy. It’s just that I always imagined having a girl first.

I had looked forward to tea parties, playing dress-up, dolls, and shopping excursions – all the things my little girl self enjoyed, and all the things I imagined my grown-up self to love all over again with a little girl in tow. (And even that is a little silly, considering not all girls like that kind of stuff. I’m learning these gender stereotypes don’t actually do our boys or girls any favors.)

But as that boy news sunk in—as I gave up my ideas of little cardigans and leg warmers and cute Mary Jane shoes—I began to get excited about having a boy.

Really excited.

So excited that by the time he was born, having a girl was the farthest thing from my radar.

And so excited, even, that when we found out our second pregnancy was also a boy, I was over-the-moon about being a mom to brothers. 

toddler in his swimmers

Now that I have two boys on the outside (and another one on the way!!!) I’m realizing more and more what a privilege it is to be a mom to boys.

This world is in desperate need of more “good men”. We’ve heard it a thousand times… and it’s true.

I have the privilege—the responsibility—to raise good men. And that’s a wonderful thing.

As much as I’d still love a girl to call our own, I’m also now aware of the part I can play in shaping history by raising wonderful boys to be men. (I love that.)

I’m a “boy mom” and proud to be one.

(And for the record, I still get to have tea parties, play dolls, and play dress up sometimes. Yay!)

levi at the beach

Are you dealing with gender disappointment in pregnancy?

Maybe you have experienced gender disappointment, too. Or perhaps you’re experiencing it now. My best advice to you is to not let the guilt of your feelings consume you.

  • Find someone you trust with whom you can confide.
  • If you are a spiritual person, you can also take your concerns to God and ask him to help you process your big emotions.
  • Find tools that help you deal with your guilt and shame, and battle those things with vulnerability and self-acceptance.
  • Realize that you may be grieving the loss of a dream, and allow yourself to walk through the process of accepting that reality.
  • If you find your emotions extreme and suspect you might be battling depression over this issue, please seek professional help. There is no shame in seeking help, there is only hope—the hope of healing and wholeness that will positively affect your own heart and bring health to the way you relate to your baby and your family.
  • Give yourself some grace. Please remember: you are pregnant! Hormonal! Dealing with mood swings! Everything probably seems a little bit more amplified because of that… so give yourself some grace and allow for some time to let the dust settle.

Tiny house, big love- life in our renovated vintage caravan — Adriel Booker-38

You are not alone.

As you will see from the stories of gender disappointment all throughout the comment threads below, gender disappointment in pregnancy is not an unusual thing to grapple with. You are not alone.

Dear friends, did you experience gender disappointment with your babies? Did it make you feel guilty or ashamed? How did you work through your emotions?

@adrielbooker two sons

About Author

Adriel Booker is an author, speaker, and advocate based in Sydney, Australia who believes storytelling, beauty, and the grace of God will change the world. Adriel has become a trusted voice in areas of motherhood and parenting, Christian spirituality, and global women's issues. She's also known for her work with the Love A Mama Collective—serving under-resourced women in developing nations through safe birth initiatives—as well as her years spent as a Bible teacher and leadership coach. Her latest book is Grace Like Scarlett: Grieving with Hope after Miscarriage and Loss and she's made the companion grief journal available for free. Find Adriel across all social media platforms at @adrielbooker or sign up for LoveNotes, Adriel's 'secret posts' that aren't published anywhere else online. ✌️

181 Comments

  • Ashley
    4 February 2012 at 6:21 pm

    Love this! Everyone thought my boy was a girl too and had even named him “baby Jane” when I was still in the early stages of pregnancy. I had one sole girl name picked out (not Jane), and I wore a pink top to the ultrasound! When I found out he was a boy I was shocked, but I had a huge hunch he was a boy all along so I wasn’t *that* disappointed…but I did feel embarrassed telling all my friends that he was a boy…weird, isn’t it?

    I find it funny now, because I absolutely LOVE being mum to a boy, whereas when I was pregnant I thought being a mum to a girl would be way more fun, fulfilling, and pretty (HA!) I would love to have another boy one day, and can’t even imagine having a girl now. So bizarre.

    Reply
    • Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos
      4 February 2012 at 8:52 pm

      Yeah, weird how we can be so convinced one way or another… and then end up wrong!

      For the record, you are an awesome “boy mom” Ashley!! (I didn’t link your blog because I wasn’t sure of the privacy settings now.)

      I can still imagine having a girl (and would love to), but I’m not going to keep “trying” until we “get one”. That’s what I think is weird – trying to “get one” as if we have anything to do with the gender! (And I find it bizarre that everyone asks about it!) Even if we do have a third boy, I’ll be happy. Our kidlets are such a gift! 🙂
      Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos recently posted..dealing with gender disappointment in pregnancy (and raising boys to be men)My Profile

      Reply
    • mommyof4
      4 February 2016 at 12:44 pm

      I just got the news today that we are having another boy!! The thing is this is our fourth boy. I was really hoping it was a girl because I decided that this was our last one. I’m really sad and frustrated. I love my baby regardless. It’s just really emotional right now

      Reply
      • Kylie Moden
        1 April 2016 at 12:32 am

        Your not alone, found out we’re having boy 3 6 weeks ago was initially ok ish, last 2 days I can’t stop crying I love my little baby but I feel I’m mourning a little princess I’ll never have, everyone thinks I’m being a selfish brat, they don’t understand
        Xx

        Reply
      • Rere
        10 August 2016 at 8:36 am

        I am a mom of 6 daughters.. My very first child I was pregnant with was a boy at 42weeks he was born still birth…I eventually got pregnant 4 years later with a daughter which was wonderful because I jus wanted a child ..but 5 pregnancies later I had more daughters..I am pregnant with my last child because I’m getting my tubes tied after this..I prayed for a son even named him..I found out yesterday it was another girl..it took everything in me not to start crying in the ultrasound room..I asked GOD why he wouldn’t give me a son after he took my first one..I am still dealing with the mixed emotions although I kno I will love my daughter.. I just wondered was GOD mad with me

        Reply
  • Tabitha
    4 February 2012 at 8:56 pm

    This is good for me to read. Knowing that this baby is our last I was really hoping for a girl. So much so that I let myself believe that the sonographers were probably wrong. When he was born I actually checked that he was indeed a boy. I absolutely love having boys and maybe I was just thinking that the ideal family has a little girl but I think now we’re complete with a little boy to tag along with his big brothers!

    Reply
    • Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos
      4 February 2012 at 9:09 pm

      I completely understand that Tabitha. I think if I was in your shoes, I would have felt the same way. I’d really love to have a girl too, and maybe it would be harder hearing “it’s a boy” for #3 than it was for me for #2. BUT, yes, I do think raising boys is such a huge responsibility and we can do it well! I DO love the thought that if we do it well, the world will be a much, much better place.

      And for the record, I just LOVE your little SJ. x
      Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos recently posted..getting ready for baby number two | it’s ok to question yourselfMy Profile

      Reply
  • Rosilind
    4 February 2012 at 10:31 pm

    Ahhhh – I confess to a small frowny face with Robi. With him we, too, were both convinced it was a girl…Z more than I. and Z was more disappointed both times. I was actually happy the 2nd time because I wanted Robi to have a playmate for life. But, I LOVE having boys. And just think: no bathroom wars, no boyfriends, and no footing the bill for a wedding! lol!!!! There are definite advantages to having boys.
    Rosilind recently posted..The Dangers of ComparisonMy Profile

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  • Katherine
    4 February 2012 at 11:30 pm

    I guessed incorrectly on both of my kids, and am probably wrong with what I think number three is (we’ll find out in two weeks). And I was disappointed both times. Especially with number two (our boy)- I really really wanted him to be a girl. I want my oldest (our girl) to have a sister, and was just very sad when I found out that wasn’t happening right away.

    Anyway. I have to say that it took a good long time for me to get over the disappointment. I prayed, I talked about it, I hoped the feelings would change- but it took a while. Like his entire first year of life! Nope- my feelings didn’t shift as soon as I met him, or even as I got to know him more and more outside of the womb. A big part of me still wished he were a she. (Yes, buckets of maternal guilt).

    And then things changed. I fell in love with him, for who he is. My sweet little boy. But it took a while.

    It is hard to write that out- I feel like such a jerk- but I also want other moms to know that maybe there are others who struggle with this even after their little baby is born.
    Katherine recently posted..Good Clean FunMy Profile

    Reply
    • Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos
      6 February 2012 at 11:12 pm

      Thanks for sharing Katherine. It’s good to hear your perspective, and I can only imagine your bucket loads. 🙁 But I think you’re right – women do need to hear that they aren’t alone in how they deal with the gender issue. To some it comes easily, to others it’s much, much harder. And I guess even able to admit that is part of the healing and growing process?? And you’re not a jerk – you’re just honest. The important thing is that your little boy grows up feeling loved and wanted and accepted as he is… and no doubt that’s just how you make him feel. Thanks again for sharing your perspective. I’m so grateful.
      Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos recently posted..the perfect mom? | my practices of parenting (and how my values shape them)My Profile

      Reply
    • Tiffany Almirola
      28 September 2012 at 1:36 am

      It is so nice to know that someone can be that brutally honest. I am devastated because I found out one of my twins is probably going to be a girl and I do not see me just getting over it because I hold her or she is cute. It will take time to get over it I think. If the second twin is also a girl I think I might lose my mind LOL since I never wanted a girl or much less two in the first place. I have an older son and I love little boys. I never wanted the drama and hassle and high maintenance life that is girls.

      Reply
    • Eve
      20 May 2015 at 1:44 am

      Thank you for your comment. I can only have one child because I met my love of my life and married late in the game. I’m 40 and he’s 48 plus has alimony to pay to an ex so due to age and finances I will not have another child, even though we conceived so easily, fertility is no issue, but age is a concern for me. I deeply wanted a son. I grew up with a vicious, nasty sister and she was a terror to my mother, too, however my three brothers were fine. I do not want a daughter but didn’t realize it until I learned it was a girl two months ago at a DNA test early in the pregnancy. I hoped it was wrong, but two months later at the 20 week ultrasound yesterday it was confirmed and I’m not happy about it. I can’t seem to bond with the baby in my womb the way I always imagined I would. I feel bad about it, but can’t fake it. I was honest with my husband, doctor, close friends and family. I understand my feelings but they haven’t changed and I’m 5 months pregnant. I’m sad and not enjoying my pregnancy fully even though it’s been such a smooth and easy pregnancy, with my wonderful husband, and in perfect health. I don’t know when my feelings will change. I thought they would by now.

      Reply
  • Greta
    5 February 2012 at 1:10 am

    First, thanks for the shout out and compliment. Second, this topic is something that I feel is not discussed often enough. To say I understand what you’re talking about here is an understatement. No, not only do I understand it, but I FEEL it…down to the core. So much so that I refused to have a 3rd baby until we were 100% ready to have either a boy or a girl. This topic was actually the original reason I started my motherhood blog (which I haven’t written on it almost a year). When I finally, bravely, admitted my feelings I was shocked to learn that I was not alone. Here’s the blog post I’m referencing…I called it “Gender Envy” http://transparenciesofmotherhood.blogspot.com/search/label/gender%20envy
    Thanks for sharing this Adriel. You are truly an amazing mom. An inspiration.

    Reply
    • Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos
      6 February 2012 at 11:15 pm

      Thanks Greta. I actually remember that post! Maybe I will have to re-read it.

      “So much so that I refused to have a 3rd baby until we were 100% ready to have either a boy or a girl.”
      This is amazing. Even though I’m so glad to have two boys, I really would like a girl (and so would Ryan). I imagine the 3rd will be the hardest for us because we may not have more than 3 kids so there could be some “finality” about it. I think the fact that you prepared your heart like that is so wonderful and is truly something I will need to consider too. It comes down to surrendering your desires before God, doesn’t it?

      Thanks again for sharing. I think you’re a pretty amazing mom too.
      Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos recently posted..the perfect mom? | my practices of parenting (and how my values shape them)My Profile

      Reply
      • Erica
        17 January 2016 at 9:09 am

        We have 3 handsome, smart and silly boys! Every ultrasound I went into I wanted to hear “it’s a girl” but it was always a boy. We wanted to try for one more and lost a baby this past August. We are pregnant again and I feel so guilty wanting a girl after having a misscarriage. I sit by myself crying and ask myself “what if it’s another boy”?! I feel so guilty thinking this but I always thought I would have a daughter and it breaks my heart if I never get to experience that. I always wanted to see my husband with a daughter, my mom with a granddaughter from me and my boys with a sister. We find out in March what we are having but I kinda don’t want to know, but there is no way I can wait for delivery to find out.

        Reply
        • Mum of 3 boys
          1 April 2016 at 12:36 am

          Fingers crossed for a girl 💗💗 have you found out yet ? Xx

          Reply
  • Mandy@ asortafairytale
    5 February 2012 at 1:39 am

    Although I can’t relate to the gender disappointment (because I wanted boys and don’t have a real desire to have a girl), I can definitely relate to the rest of this post! After writing my post this week about having 2 boys, I have been noticing more and more all of the great Mother’s out there. I am so delighted that I’m not the only one to realize what a great privileged it is to have boys, and also, the obligation that comes with it. The world really is in desperate need of great men that do great things. And by great things I don’t mean discover something or invent something. I mean the simple things. Like treat their wife kindly and with respect. Show appreciation for those around them. Have a charitable heart… those kinds of things. Okay now I’m babbling. Ha ha. Thanks for being an inspiration 🙂
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  • Krystle
    5 February 2012 at 2:11 am

    Yes, a bit. With our first, I felt the same as you. I wanted a boy..but I assumed we’d have a girl first. I really only mourned the cute clothes I wouldn’t be using haha.
    THEN we were having twins and I was sure, there would be one girl in there!
    But alas…two boys 🙂 I was so excited.
    My OB asked if I was depressed. Um..no.
    I was elated. I was amazed…never did I think I’d be that Mom…the one with 3 boys
    And yet, here I am. Totally and completely complete 🙂
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  • Queenie
    5 February 2012 at 5:21 am

    Parenthood is a tremendous responsibility, regardless of the family make up. I think feeling disappointed over the sex of a baby is extremely normal, and not at all something to be ashamed of. We begin every new journey in life with some sort of expectation, whether we realize it or not. And parenthood is nothing different. The important thing is that you (general you) move past the disappointment and see the beauty in what you’ve been given. Boy or Girl, they are all precious children of God, entrusted into our care. I never ever imagined myself as the mother of four children, let alone all one sex. But now I can’t imagine life any other way. 🙂
    Queenie recently posted..Every Child Deserves Celebration, Not Just The FirstMy Profile

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  • Life As Wife
    5 February 2012 at 9:54 am

    I kept saying I didn’t care ether way. Then? Ifht before we entered te sonogram room I started crying. My husband was terrified thinking something was wrong. My problem? I realized I wanted a boy SO badly!

    My little man? The biggest blessing ever.
    Life As Wife recently posted..How Motherhood Helped Me Get My Swag BackMy Profile

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  • Jessica
    5 February 2012 at 12:00 pm

    With my first, I really, really wanted a girl, and I got a girl. But with my second, I was open to having a boy or a girl. Since we already had a girl, however, I was kind of secretly hoping for a boy, just because I thought it would make things more interesting. But, as you know, I got a girl. And, I couldn’t be more happier. I know that these things are planned for by God, so I’ve learned to trust His plan. With my next, I think it would be cool if we got a boy, but if not, again, we’ll adjust and learn to not see our reality as being anything but the best one that we could have been given.
    Jessica recently posted..52|5: No bon bons for this stay at home momMy Profile

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    • Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos
      6 February 2012 at 11:20 pm

      yeah, same! i thought it would be fun if our second was a girl too, but i had a hunch he was a he. that excited me and so when we found out i was glad. i think i still had that fraction of disappointment, but it wasn’t deep at all. i was so excited to have brothers. but yes, i think with #3 it might be harder again. we shall see… i’m just so grateful to have kids at all. what a blessing.
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  • Pez
    5 February 2012 at 12:29 pm

    This is why I don’t like finding out what the sex is before you have bubs…While obviously this is your own decision, I believe pregnancy is often not a time when you are thinking’clearly’ and hormones are raging…so finding out then allows you to feel all sorts of things that you may or may not really feel. On the day you meet them however – there’s no chance for disappointment! You are so excited to meet bubs that the sex doesn’t even factor in! I’ve met alot of people who are disappointed when they find out during pregnancy but no one who waits till the day!
    Pez recently posted..For the grandma’s…My Profile

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  • Rachel
    5 February 2012 at 8:56 pm

    Obviously this rings true with a lot more people than I ever thought it would! So much so that I’ve never told anyone before (outside of Jason) and I so DESPERATELY wanted a little boy that I didn’t know what I would do if it had been a girl. There were multiple reasons that I choose not to have a scan while pregnant and I felt terribly guilty the whole time that one of the reasons was I didn’t actually want to know if I was having a girl. If it was going to be a girl, I wanted to see her and fall in love with her instantly. I grew up with 4 sisters and always felt more or less forced to be the girliest girl ever (probably it worked) but I wanted adventure! Dirt! Camping! Rambunctiousness (I’m aware that that is possibly not a word but spell check didn’t pick it up). I was so absolutely positive that God was going to give us a girl just to teach me (lovingly) a few things that I actually went into a real state of shock when I saw that penis! I know that I would have loved a little girl just as much but I am truly grateful for my little boy. I want lots of little boys! But I also do want a little girl too. I LOVE being a boy mum! But more than anything, I love being a Mum.
    By the way, thanks for the shout out!
    Rachel recently posted..rise above itMy Profile

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  • casey
    6 February 2012 at 5:05 am

    My hubby was bummed when he found out we were having a girl and he too was surprised that he was bummed because he didn’t think he cared either. I was happy because I kinda figured we would have a girl and even now like you I would be happy to have another girl so that D could have a sister. I know it has been really tough for some of my friends who are done having kiddos and they have 3 girls or 3 boys…they always have an ache for the girl they will never have or the boy. yah know. So, we shall see if that is me someday or not. lol. Beautiful post friend!
    casey recently posted..22 Months OldMy Profile

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    • Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos
      6 February 2012 at 11:24 pm

      yeah, it’s really hard to presume how we will feel during the “next” pregnancy… and that assumes we are blessed with the “next” one as well!

      Reply
  • julie
    6 February 2012 at 7:24 am

    I always wanted aboy first, because I always wished I had had a big brother. But after being raised with a sister, I admit I was a little scared to have a boy. What do you even do with them? Would they want to sit and cuddle and read books? (Yes to cuddling, no to reading, at least when they were little) Would they think I was boring? I don’t like cars or trucks and I throw like a girl!

    Boy number one was followed by boys number two through six. When we went for our ultrasound for baby number seven, I was just sure it would be a boy. But it was a girl . . . what would I do with a girl?! I admit I was more frightened of mothering a girl than I had ever been of mothering boys. She’s so different from me. If I had had her first, I’m afraid I would have spent way too much time trying to make her into the girl I expected (one like me) instead of the girl I was blessed with. Funny how things turn out.

    A wonderful post, Adriel. I really enjoy your blog!

    Reply
    • Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos
      6 February 2012 at 11:27 pm

      Wow Julie – six boys and a girl! Must be a circus around there! A really fun, beautiful circus! 🙂 You are well and truly a boy mom expert I’d say, and how cool that by the time your daughter came you knew how to be a great girl-mom too (accepting her for who she is).

      And, just for the record, my two year old is obsessed with books and always has been. He plays with books even more than toys, or at least just as much! ha! My rambunctious little megablock-knocking, train-ramming, book lover! 😉
      Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos recently posted..the perfect mom? | my practices of parenting (and how my values shape them)My Profile

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  • julie
    7 February 2012 at 1:00 am

    It’s even more of a circus than you might imagine. The first seven fit in with your topic, but we actually have 11 – nine sons and two daughters. 🙂

    Several of my too-busy-to-sit-still children are now book lovers, including my older daughter. My youngest, who is ten months old today, loves books, too. There’s not much better than crinkly, yummy paper. I’m hoping he’ll one day love what’s ON the pages, too.

    Reply
  • charissa
    7 February 2012 at 8:16 am

    I am constantly amazed at how you can put to words such delicate topics in such an elegant and meaningful way. Thank you for that.

    My little loved one is 7 months old and I am loving him so much. I really enjoy him being a boy. He’s just learning to lean in for a kiss and oh my goodness does it melt my heart like no other! That being said, I really wanted my first to be a girl. When I found out I was pregnant, my dreams were filled with frilly, lacy, flowery, pink and purple outfits! When I found out it was a boy I was so sad and immediately felt guilty and ashamed. Would I be able to love a boy the same? I totally hid it from everyone (sometimes flat out lying which brought on more guilt!). Oh why do we do this to ourselves. Then, when a friend of mine found out she was having a boy and expressed the same feelings as me, it was floodgate that opened in my heart. I was able to see that grieving this is okay, and it allows me to open my heart up to be filled with love for the boy that would soon be in my arms! 🙂

    God is good. He filled this mama’s heart with so much love that somedays I don’t know how I can possibly contain the love I have for my son.
    charissa recently posted..Catch Up Part 3My Profile

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    • Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos
      7 February 2012 at 1:38 pm

      Beautiful Charissa. I love this: “I was able to see that grieving this is okay, and it allows me to open my heart up to be filled with love for the boy that would soon be in my arms!” So wise and insightful.

      And yes, topics like these can be sensitive and embarrassing, but they are so normal and need to be talked about so mommies aren’t buried in guilt! And like you said, so that we can be free to just love our kiddos like they deserve!

      Thanks for sharing. x
      Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos recently posted..the perfect mom? | my practices of parenting (and how my values shape them)My Profile

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  • Raising boys to be good men | The world needs more good men
    11 February 2012 at 3:43 pm

    […] In case you missed it, this is the follow-up to my post about dealing with gender disappointment during pregnancy when finding out I was having a boy (and why I love being a “boy mom” now). Apparently […]

    Reply
  • alison
    11 February 2012 at 11:55 pm

    my husband is the “last male” to carry on his family name so when our first baby turned out to be a girl, i think i was the only one excited!! (although secretly…lol). our 2nd is a boy so everyone was happy then. with our 3rd baby, we didn’t find out until delivery if we were having a boy or a girl (which was SO much fun!). i was convinced it was a boy. in fact, i was sort of hoping for another boy since all the cousins born right at that time were all boys and i was really hoping to take the pressure off of MY son later on in life to have sons to carry on the family name. when my ava girl arrived, i wasn’t so much disappointed…but i was definitely shocked because i’d just convinced myself she was a boy!!
    alison recently posted..bedtime {prayers}My Profile

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    • Adriel Booker
      15 September 2012 at 12:29 pm

      Haha, that’s hilarious! I think it would be so much fun to wait until birth to find out. My I might die of the anticipation in the meantime. Not sure that I could do it. 😉
      Adriel Booker recently posted..bokoro’s story | giving birth in the mudMy Profile

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  • Courtney Kirkland
    12 February 2012 at 1:12 pm

    I admit…I really do want a little girl when we have a second child. We both wanted a son first and when we found out that Noah was, in fact, a boy I was over the moon. I think that gender preference is really more common than people care to let on. It’s that whole “you should be happy with a baby, no matter the sex” stigma that makes people feel guilty for wanting a boy or a girl. I WILL be happy with either a boy or a girl when the time comes to have baby #2…but I’d be lying if I said that I would choose to have a girl over a boy next time. But that doesn’t mean that I won’t love either gender any more or less.
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    • Adriel Booker
      15 September 2012 at 12:28 pm

      Just came to this post to respond to a new comment I got here and noticed a few comments I never responded to including yours. And now… look how far you’ve come! Pregnant with your second child – it’s so wonderful. You are going to love being the mom of brothers. 🙂
      Adriel Booker recently posted..bokoro’s story | giving birth in the mudMy Profile

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  • Ann
    10 August 2012 at 9:58 am

    I’ll admit with my first pregnancy i was expecting a girl. My grandmother gave birth to two girls and a boy, my mother has two girls, and my aunt has three girls, so i just assumed I’d follow suit. When I heard “It’s a boy” I couldn’t hide the shock, but once it sunk in I loved the idea of having a boy. Now I couldn’t see my life without him, and fell in love with him instantly after i saw him. I’m currently on my second pregnancy and would love to have a baby girl, but if I was blessed with another boy i would still be excited. Babies are a gift from god and are meant to be treasured.

    Reply
  • Ann
    10 August 2012 at 10:00 am

    I’ll admit with my first pregnancy i thought I was expecting a girl. My grandmother gave birth to two girls and a boy, my mother has two girls, and my aunt has three girls, so i just assumed I’d follow suit. When I heard “It’s a boy” I couldn’t hide the shock, but once it sunk in I loved the idea of having a boy. Now I couldn’t see my life without him, and fell in love with him instantly after i saw him. I’m currently on my second pregnancy and would love to have a baby girl, but if I was blessed with another boy i would still be excited. Babies are a gift from god and are meant to be treasured.

    Reply
  • J Ramsey
    21 August 2012 at 6:54 am

    i had never encountered this before and, to be honest, i judged other women who would be disappointed because they were having one or the other (usually a boy). it made me angry. didn’t they appreciate what they had?!? boys are awesome! my tune changed recently. i am expecting baby number 6. i have four boys and one little girl in the middle of them. i thought for SURE this baby was a girl. i had pulled out the clothes from my daughter and started sorting through them. i just KNEW that another girl would complete our family just perfectly. when the ultrasound tech was doing our ultrasound i could tell before she even said anything. since that time i have had a lot of ups and downs. it’s not that i don’t love the baby, it’s just not what i had felt was supposed to happen. i thought to myself, “i have enough boys!” it has been a lot of ups and downs and endless guilt over my feelings but i am so thankful for other moms out there who have been there too. i know that i will love this little man more than i can even imagine but it is still hard to let go of that dream of the little girl i had pictured.

    Reply
    • Adriel Booker
      15 September 2012 at 12:36 pm

      Yes, of course you will be totally smitten with your little man. Like you, I used to think it quite selfish when people were disappointed with baby’s gender. I suppose I just didn’t have enough empathy then. We can’t deny our emotional responses (they just come!!) but we can choose what to then do with them and how to respond to them. (And by no means should we allow those feelings to be projected onto our children. Of course.) Motherhood brings with it enough potential for guilt – unfortunately pregnancy isn’t exempt. Our feelings are what they are, but let’s not let guilt beat us up in the process!! Glad you’ve found support from other moms – you certainly aren’t alone. HUGS. Congrats on your sixth. Wow, that is just wonderful. x
      Adriel Booker recently posted..bokoro’s story | giving birth in the mudMy Profile

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  • Megan
    25 October 2012 at 1:05 pm

    I am crying reading these posts. Pregnancy hormones, hello! We didn’t find out the sex of our first son until birth. I was so happy to have a boy. For my entire life, I had imagined having a boy first, and then a girl. I had 2 miscarriages before my next child was born. I wasn’t able to find out the sex of those 2 little ones. I will always wonder about that…. Then I got pregnant again and was worried that I’d be disappointed if we waited until the birth to find out. I really thought that I was having a girl. I felt different; it was just a different pregnancy. I was shocked during the ultrasound when the technician said we were having a boy. I held it together and smiled. Later that day and for the next few days, I cried a LOT. And of course, I felt terribly guilty about my crying, and didn’t even tell my husband about it. We were finally lucky enough to have another healthy baby, so who cares about the gender? Well I did. I was never close with my mother. I have always dreamed of having a daughter who I could love and be close to, and grow to be friends with later on. I felt like that dream was ripped away from me. We always thought we would only have 2 kids…. but after meeting my 2nd son, and falling in love with him, we have decided to go for #3. I have decided to wait until the birth to find out, just because I want that amazing surprise one more time, and I want to prepare myself as much as possible for a life with 3 boys… but I don’t want 20 weeks of knowing that I’m having another boy without being able to hold him. I think it will be better in the long run for me to wait. My motto is, if I am given 3 boys to love and care for, there has got to be a reason for it, and I am meant to be a mom to only boys! One day the reason will be shown to me!

    Reply
    • Adriel Booker
      4 November 2012 at 4:31 pm

      First of all, congrats on your second baby boy Megan – I’m so glad you have two healthy little ones!!

      It’s so sad that we sometimes feel we have to hide this stuff – yes, we don’t want our KIDS thinking we were disappointed with them, but we should be able to at least process with our partners!! I’m glad I found out with both because by the time they were born I SO didn’t care what gender they were. With Levi, I needed that time to process, with Judah (my 2nd) I didn’t.

      Not sure about #3 for us – if we’ll find out or not. Love the idea of having a surprise… but I’m a planner by nature so will probably want to know. LOL.

      Anyway, thanks for your honesty and comment. I’m so happy for you, and glad for a great boy mom out there, cuz it really is true – the world needs more good men!!!
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      • Megan
        5 November 2012 at 10:02 am

        Thank you for your response. I am lucky to be the mom of my 2 awesome boys! I had to reply after you did because my youngest is Levi Jude and my oldest is Jonah. So funny! I love Judah as well 🙂

        Reply
  • Anna
    27 November 2012 at 11:06 pm

    I really needed this today. I have three boys and I am pregant with baby number 4. To be honest I have no idea if number 4 is a boy or not… I just have a feeling it is. My heart aches for a little girl. I love my boys but I want a daughter to call my own. Finding out #2 was a boy was not so bad… #3 was much worse… And now I am worried about #4. Don’t get me wrong I am excited about having another baby and I know we are blessed to have so many kids. But I long for that baby girl and wonder why she has not come yet. What is wrong with me that I can’t be blessed with a girl? I think about questions like that and all these feelings of guilt make gender disappointment worse because I know I am really blessed. then I get told things like “well there must be a reason you are a mother to boys. God knows why.” Stuff like that breaks my heart because again it makes me think there is somthing wrong with me that God wouldn’t give us a girl. My heart is aching but your artical made me feel better. Thank you. I love my boys and if #4 is a boy I will love him too. My heart just longs for that pink blanket to wrap around my own baby girl.

    Reply
    • Adriel Booker
      29 November 2012 at 7:39 pm

      oh dear anna, thank you for your honesty. i understand that hope deferred makes the heart grow sick. of course you will love your child either way, but please don’t think there’s something wrong with you because you have a preference. that’s so normal. AND there’s nothing wrong with you because you don’t have a girl yet. God’s not into rewards and with holding that like. he’s just not. there are surely many mysteries of him that we cannot understand, but i’m positive he doesn’t taunt and trick us with a dangling carrot stick just out of reach.

      big hugs to you as you wait. i hope you get your pink blanket! but if not, i have no doubt you’ll love that little one just as much. xx

      Reply
  • Jenny
    16 December 2012 at 8:46 pm

    I googled “gender disappointmet boy” and found this blog. I am seven months pregnant with boy no three and I think I will never get ober having three boys. I feel no joy at all for the new baby. Until week 18 I visited sbortion clinics several times but couldn’t go through with it. I feel so ungrateful and I don’ t deserve to have kids at all. But as the only woman in the family, I feel terribly lonely. I have serious suicidal thoughts about this but I can’t get any help for this. I feel like my life is over. I wake up every day facing loneliness and I don’t think I will be able to love my third son. He was supposed to be a girl but instead, he will make me look like a freak mom. Failed three times in a row. I am goong to ask to be sedated/sleeping during the scheduled c-section so I won’t have to see him being born. It’s terrinle to feel this way and I know it’ s so wromg and twisted. But I never wanted three boys and I can’t cope.

    Reply
    • Adriel Booker
      3 January 2013 at 2:15 pm

      Oh dear, Jenny. I’m so sorry that I’m not meeting you in person. How I would love to sit down with you and share a cup of coffee and talk about these issues face-to-face.

      You certainly haven’t failed as a mom by conceiving boys!

      Do you have someone there with whom you can speak to face-to-face about these issues? If you email me your city perhaps I can help find you someone to connect with in person. I can’t make any promises, but I sure would like to help if I’m able.

      Thanks for reaching out here. Please know that I am praying for you and have been since the first day I read this comment!

      Adriel xx
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    • Jessica
      6 July 2014 at 9:25 pm

      Omg I so feel your pain, I’m pregnant with baby #6 I already have 5 Boys and though I don’t know the sex of this one be ause it’s too early I’m convinced 110% it’s another boy and I’m devastated I feel like I wa t to end this pregnancy because I’m sure it’s a boy and I don’t want another boy 🙁 I don’t want to buy boy things I don’t want anymore boy stuff I don’t want to hear people say “omg another boy” or “awwww it’s ok you can always try again” what BS, I feel so guilty I know it’s wrong to feel like this and God forgive me but I can’t help it. I first thought of not finding out the sex until birth but I know I’ll get my hopes up for a girl and my heart will break when Doc says boy again 🙁

      Reply
    • Third Time NOT A Charm
      27 April 2016 at 11:39 am

      I too am expecting boy #3. This comes after a miscarriage and I now wonder if I lost my girl. Anyway, you wrote EXACTLY the way I feel about this pregnancy. I don’t know how I am going to make it through this again. I have enough boys, I feel he’ll just be a third wheel.

      Reply
  • Jane
    27 January 2013 at 9:58 pm

    I too am having my third boy and I do feel very disappointed at times. I know it sounds selfish and childish but I have given so much to my boys but they take all of my energy and I’m so tired. I will love this little boy with all of my heart and when he is born I will probably not think about gender disappointment at all, but I really wanted to experience having a daughter too. It’s hard knowing that this will never happen. The biggest thing in my life is the uncaring and thoughtless comments by almost everyone I know. They are not excited I’m having a baby at all, they are just expecting me to have a girl… Because its so easy to pre order one right? I’ve had it with their silly comments and dumb ideas that if its another boy well then I need to try again, or I have failed somehow. I wish I had a really good one liner to put people in their place and I wish it didn’t get to me so much 🙁

    Reply
    • Adriel Booker
      2 February 2013 at 10:58 pm

      Oh Jane, I’m sorry that you are feeling so discouraged. Yes, we all know the right answers (and like you said, when your little one is born you WILL love him to pieces and wouldn’t ever want to replace him), but it makes me sad that people say careless things that have hurt you when you’re already dealing with all of these big emotions. I imagine it’s more grieving the loss of something you won’t have (a daughter) than it is the fact that your little one is a boy. Grief is a process and it can take time to work through – but you will get there! AND that doesn’t have to affect your love and affection for your little dude one bit! Two very different issues inside one mama’s very big heart!! Be encouraged today, Jane! xx
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    • 4 boys & 1 in utero
      13 July 2013 at 11:10 am

      Jane, I hope you get this comment as I’m curious to know how things are for you and your family -but mainly you. I did a search on this subject as I’m becoming more despondent daily about my future without a daughter. My husband had three boys from a previous marriage and I have one son as well. I was convinced this pregnancy, our first (and likely only: I’m 41 and my husband would like to be done with children after this one) was a girl. We were both ready for a girl. I wanted another child so badly and my husband accommodated me (although he’s happy for this child of ours and so supportive of me); what I didn’t realize was how badly I wanted a daughter. And foolishly how fed up I am becoming of all things boy:the trucks, the sports, even the wrestling. I am so “yearnful” of pink, barbies, and dolls…. makeup and dresses and life lesson talks that I can relate to. This is going on so long… bare with me here. I’m so proud of my son and who he’s become and of the relationship that we have; yet so guilt ridden over the tone that these feelings are taking away from him. (He’s with me summers because he’s 15 and its dad-time for him at this age.) I’m also feeling guilty about the time and compassion that I’m not giving our other 3 who we have the majority of the time. There’s more but just getting this out into the world will gleefully make me feel better somehow and less guilt-ridden. Believe me, I understand what a blessing this little boy is and love him already. .. but this is my last hope for a daughter and I’m having a really hard time coping with that thought. Help?

      Reply
      • Adriel
        15 July 2013 at 3:16 pm

        I’m sorry this has been so hard for you. I know that sometimes there are just no words that will bring the sort of comfort you need. I won’t try and say the “right” thing. I hope that at least during this time you can give yourself the time and space to grieve the “loss” of the dream of having a little girl – there is a legitimate grieving process there. Give yourself permission to feel it and walk into it. Remember that you are also pregnant and full of lovely hormones and give yourself extra grace during this time. Being hard on yourself for struggling will only make it worse. Sending virtual hugs today and praying for you to find peace.
        love, adriel
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      • Jane
        19 July 2013 at 10:05 am

        Thanks so much, I’m doing ok thanks and how are you going? I completely understand your feelings and they are very real and very raw sometimes. I think it is important for us to let ourselves feel what we feel. Trying to supress these feelings and emotions will make us only feel worse and it’s ok to feel a sense of disappointment and loss at the thought of not having a daughter, we are human and we are allowed to feel this way. I posted a very long response down the bottom of this page too, reflecting on my life with 3 boys, one being my very newest edition. I really just wanted to offer my support and to let you know that it is ok to feel what you feel, I totally understand. I know we can’t change things, I just hope and pray for peace and acceptance for both of us. You are a fantastic mum to your boys and they love you for who you are. Much love to you xx

        Reply
  • Rika Roman
    24 February 2013 at 1:36 pm

    We just turned 6 months yesterday and so off we went to find out the gender. Im a mom to a beautiful sweet little boy, my three year old Keiran. Ever since he learned he’s going to be a big brother soon, he’s been referring to my bump as “baby girl”. He’s so affectionately sweet, thoughtful and protective of the bump he he fondly refers to as baby girl. He kisses, sings, talks to and hugs it every single day and night, and yes he refuses to refer to it as a baby boy. There was no way we could convince him. Every time he sees girly stuff he’ll pick it up and “show” it to my tummy and say “this is for baby girl”, really sweet. And since my cravings, pregnancy hormones and other stuff are very different from when i had Keiran, we were convinced and assumed it’s a girl indeed (didn’t even bother thinking of a boy’s name). With Keiran, I had terrible pimples and all sorts that I don’t normally have when I’m not pregnant and I had that pregmancy glow all throughout. With this 2nd baby, I had no pimples or any weird stuff so I assumed it’s a firl coz my our hormones seem to agree. Alas! Yesterday, the sonologist revealed that it’s another boy. There was deafening silence in the room, no cheers nor smiles, and our little Keiran just suddenly lost excitement, so did hubby and me. Next thing I know as we went out, I couldn’t stop the tears and emotional turmoil. We tried to brush it off since im now safe finally from placenta previa and just tried to entertain ourselves. Tried going into baby shops to distract myself into buying new baby stuff, didn’t work, I just ended up throwing a tantrum (i know, im guilty). So then we tried going to a toy shop where the nightmare started to sink in. Keiran hurried to the pink area, took a Hello Kitty toy and ran to me beaming and thrilled to show the toy to my bump “baby girl this is for you”. Yes, that was my breaking point. I just melted into tears amidst the store and excited kids everywhere. Even after painstakingly convincing Keiran that he’s gonna have a brother and not a sister, he still can’t accept it. How can I go through everyday with his routines of what he does for what he thinks his sib would be? I apologize for the meltdown, but it’s still so fresh and I can’t handle it. My fear in first thing was breaking Keiran’s heart and expectations, but it seems like all three of us are broken hearted over this.

    Reply
    • 4 boys & 1 in utero
      13 July 2013 at 11:15 am

      Thanks for sharing your story. It’s reassuring for me to hear I’m not alone in my guilty-feelings and ultimately what I can finally admit to myself is despair. I too, was just cleared of complete previa which has migrated. 🙂

      Reply
    • Adriel
      15 July 2013 at 4:06 pm

      Hi Rika. I was just reading through some of the comments on this post and read yours all over again. I apologize I hadn’t written back sooner – somehow I missed it. I wonder how you’re doing now and how Keiran has adjusted? Grace to you, sweet mama.
      Adriel recently posted..Grace like Scarlett My Profile

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  • jane
    10 March 2013 at 8:03 am

    I m mum to two boys and then I had a daughter. I myself am the oldest of 5 I have four younger brothers. When my youngest brother was born I was so disappointed. I wanted a sister . It never really bothered me as I got older but now in my 30 s I wish I had a sister. I m having a fourth child which we had nt planned so j convinced myself it was a girl. Scan revealed it was a boy. I was so upset. Not for me but for my daughter. Like me she will never have a sister. I can t stop thinking about it and feeling sad. It s driving me crazy. I love my brothers and they re great but its not the same. Not the same’chats’ etc.

    Reply
    • Adriel
      15 July 2013 at 4:08 pm

      Hi Jane. I always envied my girlfriends that had sisters. Like you, I really wanted one too.

      I’m sorry for your disappointment when you found out about baby #4. As you can see, those feelings aren’t uncommon. I hope you and baby are doing well now. Grace to you Jane!!
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    • Eve
      20 May 2015 at 2:13 am

      Having a sister can be a terrible experience. Everyone thinks sisters are best friends. They are frequently bitter rivals. My older sister abused me viciously. I got along great with my brothers. I am pregnant with my first and only child, a girl, and am NOT happy about it. Thankfully I can be honest with my wonderful husband. My doctor didn’t understand. My family sort of did. My friends sort of do. I’m not interested in barbies and lace and pink and make-up and body image insecurities and the commercialized, sexist nightmare society makes of womanhood.
      I am not interested in having a daughter running around in mini skirts and make up obsessing over her looks as a teen. I wanted a boy to share in activities with us. I don’t understand why so many moms are so desperate for daughters when boys can be such a joy, and without that awful mother-daughter conflict that is so common, but which so many moms don’t expect when they wish for girls!

      Reply
  • Dianne
    29 March 2013 at 9:35 pm

    I just wanted to say what kind-hearted and genuinely thoughtful replies you give Adriel. I came upon this as I am struggling with the same sort of feelings and find it helps reading through other people’s experiences. You are such a good embodiment of Christianity, being so caring and unjudgemental.

    Reply
    • Adriel
      15 July 2013 at 4:09 pm

      Thanks Dianne. Have you had your baby now? Blessings to both of you. x
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      • Dianne
        17 July 2013 at 11:45 am

        Hi,
        How lovely of you to check back in. Our wee man is due in 6 weeks. Really looking forward to it and have picked out a name we love-Gus.
        Hope you and your family are well.
        Love Diannexx

        Reply
  • tricia
    14 July 2013 at 12:15 am

    hi, i had 3 boys first and although on each of them i had hoped for a girl i wasnt really disappointed when i found out they were boys. We were sure we were done and then had a surprise pregnancy which i assumed was another boy. We were amazed to find out it was a girl. Then we had another and it was a boy and I was delighted. During this pregnancy we decided that we should give our fertility to God and let him decide how many he would like us to have. I am now pregnant with my 6th and have just found out a couple of weeks ago that it is another boy. I am so so upset and cant stop crying etc. which makes me feel like the worst mother in the world, this little man deserves so much better. How can i say i have surrendered my life to God and what he wills for me and yet get so upset because i didnt get what i wanted? I feel like a fraud and i just dont know what to do to make it go away. I keep praying about it but nothing has changed as of yet. I feel that it is sinful for me not to be content in the circumstances my Lord and Saviour has placed me in and yet although my head has all the answers my heart still aches. I wonder why i never felt like this before. Why now?

    Reply
    • 4 boys & 1 in utero
      15 July 2013 at 12:42 pm

      Tricia~Thank you for sharing. Although I can’t help to give you any answers, wisdom, or advice I want you to know that I appreciate your courage and honesty as I have been feeling so guilty as well. I’ll send prayers for you to find peace just as I hope and pray for myself.

      Reply
    • Adriel
      15 July 2013 at 4:20 pm

      Hi Tricia. Thanks for sharing your struggle here. I can’t give you a “solution” or the “right” answer, but I think God works in layers. Your disappointment doesn’t mean your life wasn’t genuinely surrendered before… but there’s a new level, you know? It’s a new day, a new opportunity.

      I think it’s important that you don’t just wish your feelings away (or deny them), but that you face them and embrace whatever grieving process comes in that letting go process. You’re letting go of the idea of having another girl, and of what life “would have” looked like. Don’t beat yourself up – God doesn’t. Grace is his specialty and he is willing to walk us through all of those difficult twists on our journey. We need to give ourselves grace too.

      You’re a wonderful mom and so loving and accepting your kids won’t be the issue for you. Your stumbling block may have more to do with your own heart and reactions and expectations, but God is gracious to help us in that sanctification process as he allows us to be challenged and gives us the opportunities to grow and mature and be refined. You are not a fraud, you are being stretched and confronted and challenged… but that certainly doesn’t make you a fraud! Repent where there is conviction of course 🙂 but RELAX where there is not. To struggle in and of itself is not to sin. Just keep your heart offered to the Lord and he will walk you through this hard time. Don’t beat yourself up, sister!

      I believe in you, girl! And I believe you’re the perfect mom for your kids!!! Praying for you today.

      love adriel x
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  • Jane
    19 July 2013 at 9:52 am

    Hi all, and thanks to 4 boys and 1 in utero for checking in on me a while ago. Sorry I have only just got the message, as life with a newborn is very hectic at the moment, especially since I have had an enormous gap between kids. My third son was born on the 20th June this year and I have to say that he is the most precious little one and I truly can’t imagine life without him. I had those awful feelings of gender disappointment, I longed for a baby girl so much that it hurt to see other women with their daughters, knowing that this will never be me. I have a number of health issues so I know that there will be no more kids, no attempt at trying for a girl, pregnancy is just too hard and too risky for me. As I sit here and write these words I feel a sense of peace and calm about it all though. I have had to put things into perspective as I suffered terribly with health problems during and after I had him and to be honest I am just so grateful that he is fine and healthy. The guilt I felt for feeling any sense of gender disappointment faded away when I nearly lost him after birth. He wasn’t breathing and I for a very real moment (or minutes) thought that his life was going to be taken from me. At that point I realised that I didn’t care whether it was a girl or boy, just that my baby who I had nurtured for 9 months was going to survive and thrive. Gender disappointment is something that is very hard to explain to women who have both genders and the guilt that I felt for even being disappointment was eating me up inside. Do we ever stop feeling guilty as mothers?? I brought my beautiful blue bundle of joy home from the hospital and felt only warmth and love and his little face just melts my heart. I can honestly say that life with him is so much richer and rewarding, he is my little miracle and he brings so much joy to our lives. I have thought very distantly about how nice it would be to have a daughter, but I have a real sense of peace about it all. Life is a blessing, each baby is unique and an absolute blessing and I am going to be the best mother to three boys that I can be. I want them to grow up and be strong, supportive men and to learn to treat people with respect. My role is huge but I feel blessed that I have the responsibility of raising my boys into respectful and kind -hearted men who will be father’s themselves one day. What would it be like with a girl… I’ll never know, but life with my boys is pretty amazing and awe inspiring and that is enough for me. I do hope that others can find peace and find an inner strength to accept the things we cannot change. Be proud of what we have and what we have achieved as beautiful strong women who have given life to amazing little human beings. Much love to you all xx

    Reply
  • tricia
    23 July 2013 at 9:26 am

    thank you for the kind comments. I have to say i truly believe that some of the emotions are caused by hormones, on the saturday that i shared my feelings i felt really low, i had a good night sleep that night and woke up the next morning feeling quite silly. I havent felt like that since, I just cant wait to meet this little man now, i had one little wobble when a friend of mine found out that her baby is a girl but in fairness she had been through alot ttc and im just delighted she has a healthy baby. My husband and i had a long talk and he feels that God does have another girl for us somewhere along the way. I think i mentioned before that we are quite young at 28 and 32 so hopefully that is true but if not i am sure my Lord and Saviour will help me to work through whatever feelings are thrown up. Thanks again guys.

    Reply
    • Adriel
      4 August 2013 at 9:50 pm

      no need to feel silly tricia. as you can see from the comments here this is real life! 🙂 but i’m so glad that you’re at peace now.

      and yes, hormones are not to be underestimated! yeesh! 😉
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  • Adriel
    4 August 2013 at 9:56 pm

    oh mel, i’m sorry you are feeling so devastated. that doesn’t make you a terrible mother by any means. no labels!! but if you must, just call yourself a NORMAL mother! you are pumped full of crazy hormones right now and dealing with a lot of life change all within the space of a few years. grace, mama, grace. i suspect that as you give yourself the permission and space to grieve, you’ll go through lots of different emotions – like any grieving process. and the good news? that will eventually lead you to a place of peace. don’t beat yourself up. that’s just not going to get you anywhere. you’re in shock right now and it’s ok to cry and then cry about the crying 😉 LOL.

    and here’s a faith statement that i believe with all my heart – you do not have to repeat the broken relationship cycle. NO. your relationship with your mom doesn’t need to have bearing on your relationship with your daughter. may she (your daughter) even be an instrument of healing and understanding in your life as you work through your own issues.

    hugs, mama. you’ve got this. xx
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  • Maria
    9 August 2013 at 3:24 am

    Just stumbled upon this blogpost, and tears are filling my eyes as I read through your post and all the comments. I’m having a sonogram next week, and I am so hoping for a little girl. But my biggest concern is that I will be dissapointed if it turns out that it’s a baby boy. My best friend is having her baby just a week before me, and she just found out it’s a girl. She and everyone else keep telling me that they think it’s a boy, and that only makes me even more worried. I am so concerned that I’ll be both dissapointed AND jealous of my friend. And my husband doesn’t understand, so I’m keeping all this to myself. Thank you for making me feel normal. This post helped more than you know. And all these comments actually got me thinking that having a baby boy wouldn’t be so bad after all…:)

    Reply
    • Adriel
      18 August 2013 at 8:54 pm

      hi there sweet maria. i suppose you’ve found out your baby’s gender by now. i hope you are at peace. your anxiety (and potential disappointment) IS normal, but it’s so hard because this sort of thing is so taboo to talk about. i’m glad you could find some encouragement here. as you’ve seen, you are not alone! all the best for you in the latter half of your pregnancy. xx
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  • Marya
    18 September 2013 at 6:13 am

    I realize this is an old post, and I’m in the USA so you are probably all sleeping now 🙂 but I need a safe comfortable place to share my feelings. Websites here in the US are so judgmental!
    I was gonna do the “girl gender diet” that claims a 97% success starting in Oct & we were going to start TTC in Dec. Instead, we DTD once 4 days before I O’d & that’s all it took. Oops! I’m 39. My last pregnancy was an “Oops” also at the age of 37 when I had been told I was infertile. The 1st time we wanted a boy (no boys in my family) & were happy to get a boy. This time, however, he was not happy I got pregnant (for financial reasons) & we argued a lot about the pregnancy in the first few weeks, and also about how he didn’t want another boy he wanted a girl. So, he didn’t really want this pregnancy right now I thought the least I could do was tell him it’s a girl. It’s not. It’s another boy. I do CVS testing because of my age, and they found a Y chromosome. Baby is looking healthy so far.
    I feel like such a selfish ungrateful jerk because while so many women my age struggle to get pregnant & have to undergo so much medical intervention, here I am getting pregnant w/o even trying AND having healthy pregnancies! Yet, I want a girl! We talked about only wanting 2 kids & after Baby #2 I was gonna get my tubes tied. But now he says “well maybe you don’t want to get your tubes tied & keep the option open to try for a girl”? I don’t know, a 3rd baby would mean I’d be TTC at 41. Less likely, and more risky. 1 minute I’m excited to think about dressing the 2 boys in matching outfits & the next minute I’m crying again thinking about how I’ll never be the MOB & watch my daughter try on wedding dresses or go get mani/pedis together. I’m a perfectionist & that’s my “perfect life”. I’m hoping one of two things will happen either:
    A) I’ll accept the fact I only get 2 kids & they are both boys & learn to live with it or
    B) I’ll warm up to the idea of wanting 3 children & decide to try that ‘girl diet’ and plan it right next time!
    We’re announcing the pregnancy this week & I feel ashamed to tell people it’s another boy like I’m letting them down. Like the perfect family is 1 of each. It’s making me not want to announce the new baby. I’m hoping you can tell it’s going to get better. I really need a ray of hope 🙁

    Reply
    • Adriel
      19 September 2013 at 12:44 pm

      Hi Marya. (Great name, btw!) I’m sorry you are feeling so badly about all of this. I think you are well and truly not alone when you say you feel like a “selfish ungrateful jerk” for experiencing the disappointment you have. Honestly, there’s just no magic formula to change things around for you, but if you’re willing, I do believe that your heart can change. You need to give yourself a little time to walk through the process of letting go of what you had imagined would be the “perfect life” and open your heart to a “perfection” that you may not have considered before. I think once those babies are in our arms it’s darn near impossible not to fall madly in love with them! Mother after mother from the beginning of time will attest to that! BUT it doesn’t mean there won’t be twinges of sadness when you’re reminded of those things you longed for (being mother of the bride etc) that will be unfulfilled. Really, it’s a grieving of sorts. And as for having more children or not… you don’t need to be certain of that just yet. You already have one growing baby to worry about for goodness sakes! I’m sorry things are a bit strained with your husband. Just remember that he’s going through his own grieving process as well. Sometimes grief is messy. (Always, in fact!) I hope you two can continue to talk openly and learn how to support each other better. Parenting is not for the faint of heart! But together we are so much stronger! Anyway dear mama, I’m praying for you today – peace and hope and joy. And yes, I can say with certainly that it will get better! (Perhaps even announcing your pregnancy will help bring the joy you hope for as others celebrate with congratulations?) And let me be the first: CONGRATULATIONS for another beautiful boy!!!! I just love boys and think they are hilarious and amazing and fun. Oh, and one more thing to throw in there – before and during my pregnancies I thought much more about what I wanted in my children and less about what they might love. And you know what? Giving each of the gift of a brother to pal around with and bump heads with and grow up together with? Best. Gift. Ever. I always wanted a sister and never got one… my husband always wanted a brother and never got one… but we’ve been able to give that to our children and it’s SO precious and brings this mama (and their daddy) so much JOY!!! 🙂
      Adriel recently posted..Stories to tell: Life and loss, joy and mourning in Papua New GuineaMy Profile

      Reply
  • Marya
    20 September 2013 at 6:04 am

    Thank you SOOOO much Ariel for sharing that perspective! I never thought of it that way. I’ve been so caught up in thinking about what I wanted (a Mini-me) that I never thought about what my son might want (a playmate)! I always longed for a sister to play with growing up – and now I get to give that gift to my son – or better yet – to BOTH of my sons! Thanks again I’m truly glad I found you and your blog 🙂

    Reply
  • Marya
    20 September 2013 at 6:05 am

    Whoops sorry about the typo on your name (which is a really cool name btw)

    Reply
  • 35+ Resources and Encouragement for New Moms
    31 October 2013 at 3:51 pm

    […] Dealing with Gender Disappointment in Pregnancy […]

    Reply
  • 100 Little Things About Pregnancy, Birth, and Being a First Time Mom
    15 December 2013 at 9:53 am

    […] (And you will be so happy about your little boy or girl that you’ll forget about it anyway.) Many women struggle with gender disappointment during pregnancy, so don’t let it rob you of your pregnancy […]

    Reply
  • Trista
    18 December 2013 at 4:08 am

    I just found your blog and I LOVE everything about it! I am winding down my first trimester with my first baby and reading your stories gets me so excited to experience this amazing miracle. My husband had a daughter, who is almost 4, from a previous relationship. We have her full time and I have been in her life since she was 9 months old. She even calls me mom. I have been so dead set on our new addition to be a boy since we have a girl in the house and well, she is quite dramatic (about EVERYTHING)!! Lately, I seem to have major mixed emotions about it. Some days I feel like I would be content with either and some days I want a girl more than anything to have a “mini-me”. Even though we already have a girl, she isn’t “mine”. She doesn’t have any of my features, my characteristics, etc. I am excited about every bit of this pregnancy regardless and I really hope to go into my ultrasound with an open mind and to try to not be dissapointed if it is not the results I was hoping for. That just means we can always try again, right? 🙂
    Thank you so much for your wonderful posts!
    Trista recently posted..Creating Christmas Magic Through Simple Family TraditionsMy Profile

    Reply
    • Adriel
      18 December 2013 at 10:14 pm

      you’re welcome trista. i think it’s important to remember that our desires are very real… and yet very amplified due to crazy levels of hormones as well! 😉 i hope you will have peace as you find out baby’s gender. and congrats on your pregnancy. it really is wonderful. xx
      Adriel recently posted..Are You a Leader or a Manager? | How Leadership Changes Our ParentingMy Profile

      Reply
  • C
    18 December 2013 at 4:26 am

    I have two boys now, the youngest is almost 2. The first was a surprise and the second we found out after the ultra sound. I couldn’t help but be disappointed when I found out the first was a boy at birth and had to do the fake smile “I’m so happy” face. It felt horrible. But I thought it wouldn’t be so bad because the second would be a girl! I cried for days and months secretly to myself after I found out about the second boy. Of course I love my boys and I always will. My husband does not want anymore children because he is happy with his boys and resents me for feeling this way. I feel like I have a huge hole in my heart and it aches. All of my friends have girls and to top it off my sister just had her second little girl the other day. Might as well have put I knife through my heart. Happy for her but it just doesn’t seem fair. I have no one to talk to. Not a friend, not my husband, not my mother or sister. It’s just me with these guilty tears. I can not afford a therapist. Please tell me there is someone out there in the same boat?….
    Love how other moms (with girls) tell me to just get over it and be happy I was able to have children at all. They don’t understand.

    Reply
    • Kristi
      19 December 2013 at 3:00 pm

      C, I can relate. I have two living children, a daughter and a son. Between them, I lost three babies. The first baby we lost, at 18 weeks, was a girl, our daughter Naomi, and she would have been just eighteen months younger than our first-born daughter if she had lived. I mourned not only losing her, but also losing the experience of raising two close-in-age daughters. When I got pregnant for the fifth time and found out we were having a boy, I really struggled. I didn’t want to replace Naomi, but I suddenly realized how much I had been counting on having another daughter. My son is now 20 months old, and of course I adore him and wouldn’t trade him for anything. But I would still like another daughter. I recently shared some things I have been learning about raising my son on The MOB Society (http://www.themobsociety.com/2013/11/20/how-do-i-raise-a-son/). Maybe it will encourage you?

      Reply
    • Adriel Booker
      23 December 2013 at 2:48 pm

      Hi C. I think this is so tough, and you certainly need to find safe places to process all of your emotions surrounding this issue. I posted your comment on facebook and there were several women wanting to respond. You can read them here: https://www.facebook.com/AdrielBooker/posts/565094233579014

      Also, have you googled a mothers help line? Surely there would be some 1-800 numbers that you can call and speak to someone personally. Even a post partum blues helpline might be good as I’m sure they wold have experience talking through this sort of thing.
      Adriel Booker recently posted..Are You a Leader or a Manager? | How Leadership Changes Our ParentingMy Profile

      Reply
  • Rochelle
    22 December 2013 at 7:26 am

    Thank you for this. I mean, THANK YOU. That is all. Will write more later. Xo

    Reply
    • Rochelle
      22 December 2013 at 4:34 pm

      Continuation of my prior comment: Hello again! I am so so happy I stumbled upon your blog and even happier that you posted your experience. Tears were seriously pouring down my face while I read your words because it just felt that you were describing my story. I’m 21 weeks pregnant today… My husband and I, too, had chosen a girl’s name long before we were married…not sure why we envisioned having a baby girl first, but we just did. Something in my gut told me I was having a boy before we found out, but I kept secretly telling myself, “There’s still a chance!” Why the heck would I do that?! So anyway, of course, when the ultrasound technician told us we were having a boy, I mustered up as much excitement as I could and half-smiled while I tightly clenched my jaw and hubby squeezed my hand hard because he absolutely knew what I was feeling. We left with me in a daze, but as soon as the door to our doctor’s office closed behind us, I completely fell apart. It scared me. It was this overwhelming sense of grief and sadness and disappointment mixed with happy. So bizarro. I was beyond surprised with my reaction… My husband kept saying, “Please please don’t cry! I’m so happy! We’re going to have a beautiful baby boy!!” And I kept sobbing and sobbing uncontrollably “I know…I know…I don’t know why I’m so sad!”. And then the guilt, oh the guilt. Guilt of having failed that poor little baby boy bouncing around in my tummy before I even had a chance to show him that I could maybe be a mommy deserving of his love. Sigh. I just found out about a week ago but am loving the idea of having a son more and more. And I know I’m going to love him until my heart bursts when he’s here… But it was just so nice of you to share your story because I experienced the same exact strange pain. So, thank you. Again. You’ve picked up another dedicated follower. 🙂 Merry merry Christmas to you and your beautiful family!! Xoxo

      Reply
      • Adriel Booker
        23 December 2013 at 2:56 pm

        Hi Rochelle. Thanks for taking the time to leave your story. I think as hard as the disappointment can sometimes be, you describe the disappointment that is even more acute: “And then the guilt, oh the guilt. Guilt of having failed that poor little baby boy bouncing around in my tummy before I even had a chance to show him that I could maybe be a mommy deserving of his love.” I hope you’re able to let go of that and show yourself grace. Being a mother of grace is the best gift you can ever give that little darling boy of yours. Our kids learn so much from the way we treat ourselves. I can tell, just by your note, that you WILL be a great mom to your baby. Many blessings for the rest of your pregnancy as you begin your motherhood journey. The best is yet to come!

        Merry Christmas to you, too. x
        Adriel Booker recently posted..Creating Christmas Magic Through Simple Family TraditionsMy Profile

        Reply
  • Goodbye, hello: The year before and the one ahead (including the 'best of' for 2013 and why we're now homeless) - Adriel Booker
    13 February 2014 at 8:31 pm

    […] Dealing with gender disappointment in pregnancy […]

    Reply
  • Sam
    24 March 2014 at 6:23 pm

    Thank you SO much for posting this (so glad I stumbled upon it!)

    I thought I was odd and selfish for really wanting a girl, especially when you hear other mums to be say “Aw I’m not too fussed on the sex, as long as they’re healthy”…. I feel like “why can’t I be like that?..” We’re about to find out in two days the “flavour”. My husband wants a boy, but I know he’s happy with either. I’ve thought since the start I have a boy growing in there but think i may be preparing myself so I’m not disappointed… I’d be able to say “Well, I knew that all along!”

    but thank you!! Now I know that if we find out we’re buying blue, and I get upset, I’m not alone and I’m not crazy…. 🙂 I can’t even describe how much more relaxed I am now… thank you!

    (Still hoping for my girl though…) 😀

    Reply
  • Apryl
    5 April 2014 at 5:44 pm

    I am 19 weeks pregnant and just found out 5 days ago that we are having a little boy. I hate to admit that I am even crying right now, but I am. I was raised being told that in our family all first born children have always been girls. Well when my husband and I experienced 2 miscarriages I was pretty confident that we still would be blessed with a little girl. Though we had our top boy and girl names picked out, and I thought I was mentally prepared for either gender, when we heard that it was a boy, I was in complete shock. I was smiling on the outside, but so shocked and upset on the inside. I can’t get excited about shopping for boy things, or thinking about having a baby. I am just sad and I hate that I am. I know I will love our son (even the word son is hard to type) dearly, but I always hoped to have the close mother daughter bond like I do with my mom. The worst is all the people telling me that they totally thought I was having a little girl, I just have to put a smile on and say nope, it’s a boy. I just really hope I can get excited about being pregnant and having a boy because we are not sure if we want any more children and I want to be able to cherish this time in my life.

    Reply
    • Adriel
      11 April 2014 at 11:05 am

      Hi Apryl. I want to tread lightly here because, yes, it’s such a difficult and sensitive subject and there are no easy answers. Your feelings are totally valid and you’re so not alone! I hope you find peace as you wade through the confusion and process these emotions. I also hope that you’ll be able to lean into the pregnancy and find a way to cherish it like you hope to. It’s the only time you don’t have to share your little one with the entire world – he’s yours and yours alone to hold. xo
      Adriel recently posted..Selah: Pause and ListenMy Profile

      Reply
  • Rose
    30 May 2014 at 3:23 am

    Dear Adriel,

    I’m a mom of two children. A daughter and a son. I’m pregnant with our third and last child. We had lots of doubts wether we should or should’nt have a third child. Call me stupid but I was a 1000% sure of having another baby-girl. Thats why I said “Ok it’s worth the difficult pregnancy and all the practical disadvantages, let’s do this”

    I just found out that our baby is’nt a girl 🙁 I’m terribly upset, been in bed and crying for days. My beautiful baby-girl name, the little sister that my daughter wanted so badly. It’s breaking my heart. I feel terrible and I’m very confused.
    I was shocked when I learned our 2nd was a boy. Now I know from experience that I love him oh so dearly. But one boy is enough, it feels like I’ve lost my little girl. I had a miscarriage in december and cant help thinking “That was my baby girl” I dont want anything to do with my growing belly, the stupid boy-clothes, the boy-names. I feel trapped cause there is no way out. I feel like this child is going to mess up my beautiful family. I’m a girly girl very much so, I realy dont want another boy to wrestle with.

    My heart feels so ashamed and I believe that I’m a terrible mom, never ever would have thought that I would feeling like this towards my own baby. God bless him he deserves so much more than me.

    I really dont know how to cope with all this.

    Reply
    • Adriel
      31 May 2014 at 9:27 pm

      Hello sweet Rose. Thank you for sharing your story here – I’m glad you felt it a safe place to lay open your heart. As you can see from the other comments, many women share similar stories to you – you are not alone! I want to offer two things for you in this vulnerable time: 1) Shame will rob you of life, my friend. You can feel all the negative emotions you need to in order to process this news, but please, please, please don’t let shame eat away at your soul. It’s a silent killer. You can drown in that awful stuff! Give yourself grace, just as you would a dear friend if she was sharing her biggest struggles with you. And 2) I’d like to consider you talking to someone professionally about how you feel. Perhaps you only go once or twice, and yes, I know it can be expensive, but I can think of no more worthy investment at this period in your life – much more important than new onsies and baby gear. Talk to someone face-to-face that can help you wade through your emotions, deal with the shame, and find peace. Please, consider that – for yourself and for your baby. Again, you have nothing to be ashamed of. I’m quite sure you’re not a terrible mom (I can tell just by what you’ve already shared), but I believe it would be so helpful for you to seek help in person – someone that can sit with you face-to-face and help give you the tools you need to cope right now. You are powerful enough to handle this, but perhaps not without the right tools. Please consider? I’ll be praying for you every time you come to mind.
      Adriel x

      Reply
      • Rose
        3 June 2014 at 1:22 pm

        Thank you so much for your oh so kind words. Im trying to forgive myself but I’m struggling. For sure I’m gonna feel so guilty towards my son even more when he’s born. I’ve made an appointment with a psychologist later this week. In daily life I help others but this time I realize I need help myself. Again thank you so much for finding the time and right words to show me compassion.

        Reply
        • Adriel
          4 June 2014 at 8:58 pm

          This is great news Rose! Thank you for coming back to let me know. I am certain you won’t regret speaking to a professional about this. Just wonderful. This is a special time in your life, and even you grappling with the gender of your baby is all part of it. Good for you for not short-circuiting the process. xo

          Reply
  • Amilea
    7 June 2014 at 1:20 pm

    Hi I’ve just found out I’m having baby no2 I’ve already got a little boy who’s 3 but I so badley want this baby to be a girl what makes me feel awful is I was told I had two blocked tubes and ivf was my only hope but by some acted of god I fell pregnant naturally I’m so happy words can’t exspess so why do I feel I want a girl I’m worried il be disappointed and I don’t want to feel that way I’m so blessed to be be having another baby what makes it worse is a close friend is also having baby no2 like me already has a little boy and due roughly the same time I no I will feel jealous if she has a girl and I hate myself for that do I find out at the scan so I can get my head round it I wasn’t going to but I just can’t imagine going 9 months without knowing x

    Reply
    • Adriel
      7 June 2014 at 11:50 pm

      Hi Amilea, first of all CONGRATULATIONS on your miracle baby!!! Wow, that is simply wonderful, just wonderful!

      I think finding out the gender is a highly personal decision (especially when you’re feeling strongly about the gender). For me, I like knowing so I have time to process and dream a little more specifically about baby (and call baby a “he” or “she” rather than “it”). But I have a few friends that like to leave it as a surprise and they love that, too!

      I can see why you’d feel guilty about potential gender disappointment – as you can see by all of these comments, it’s a pretty “normal” thing. And yet you know how blessed you are to be having a baby on a completely different level than most of us do, and so I can see why the guilt would feel even heavier as you process all of your emotions. (And remember – you’re pregnant! Hormones! Emotions!) 😉 I hope you’re able to come to a decision and find peace with whatever you decide – knowing or waiting to find out – AND that you find peace with whatever baby’s gender is. No doubt s/he will be so loved – that much is clear.

      Again, HUGE congratulations. Your story is so encouraging – a TRUE miracle!!!

      Reply
  • Ashley
    14 June 2014 at 4:54 am

    Thank you for your very compassionate and thoughtful article. The honesty you’ve shared as well as all the moms who’ve posted has helped me tonight as I just found out today at 19 weeks I’m having boy #3. I feel very disappointed at the loss of my dream pregnancy, shopping for a baby girl planning a beautiful baby shower and day dreaming of having a daughter to bond with. I feel sadness and guilt for not being happy my baby is healthy and happily moving inside me. I feel horrible that I’m not excited for my two sons having a baby brother. With this pregnancy feeling completely different than the first, I was convinced it was a girl. My husband and boys wanted a baby sister too. Being 31, I had my first son at 24 and second son at 28, I didn’t conceive as quickly this time. We began trying to conceive in September and finally saw a positive result in December. Then a week later lost my pregnancy. Like Rose posted above, I feel I’m also grieving that loss all over again because I think that was my baby girl. I was silent and showed no emotion during the ultrasound and that makes me feel even worse for not caring about this blessing growing inside of me. I am having a hard time struggling with my emotions alone as I feel my husband doesn’t understand. I’m mourning a huge loss as I don’t believe I can go through this again in hopes of conceiving a girl. I believe this will be my final baby. This really hurts and makes me feel ungrateful for what God has planned. I love my boys with all my heart and they love their mom like no other. I hate that I’m not happy about my baby to come, I just can’t stop crying. I know I am a great mother and I will love my third son. Just praying it’s soon. I too don’t want to think about boy names or shop for boy things. I’m wanted a whole new experience. I feel awful that I don’t even want a baby shower. I have only told my mom and a close cousin how I feel right now. I’m not looking forward to sharing the news and hearing any comments at all. Sorry for such a long post. I’m really thankful I’m not the only mom to feel like this. (Adriel, I just read you have a daughter in heaven? Sorry for your loss)

    Reply
    • Adriel
      16 June 2014 at 3:04 pm

      Oh Ashley, I’m sorry for your loss. I think it’s very discerning that you realized that you have a double dose of grief as you mourn the loss of your dream of having a daughter as well as the loss of your baby (and the dream that she also gave you). I can relate to that so much. I’m now pregnant again and am grappling with these issues as well – though to a lesser extent than I did with my first gender reveal. We don’t yet know the gender, but I feel much more peace about having a third boy if that’s the case. (However, I know I will also be sad about not having a daughter if that’s the case.) I think these feelings are so normal, but not when it is all-consuming. I hope you can find someone in person to confide in and ask to pray with you. And I don’t know if this brings you comfort, but knowing that I will be with my daughter in heaven one day brings me immense comfort. Bless you as you process all these big emotions and life changes. AND… give yourself a little grace. Remind yourself that you are PREGNANT and thus, a little hormonal. 😉 LOL!!!
      Adriel recently posted..12 Reasons you should travel with kids (even internationally)My Profile

      Reply
  • Amilea
    19 June 2014 at 12:30 pm

    Thank you so much for your reply and thank you for writing your original article It was so reassuring to find other mums feeling the same I must say saying how I felt out loud or rather writing it I felt so much better about the chance of having another boy we’ve chosen our boy or girl name and I’m going to find out at the next scan but keep it a secret from everybody else I think I need to know like you said to dream about him or her and to enjoy shopping this baby I truly think I’m having another boy and if I’m right we’ve decided to call him Noah as this Baby is my mirical from god, without finding your article I might have never of addressed how I felt and carried the negative feeling I had a put a dampner on my preganacy so thank you so much for writing how you felt and showing other mums it’s ok to feel this way and not to be judged by it, I have also learnt not to ask mums having another baby if they want an opposite gender to what they already have but just to simple say congratulations what wonderful news
    Xxxx

    Reply
    • Adriel
      20 June 2014 at 6:05 am

      I’m so glad to hear that Amilea – wonderful! (And thanks for the follow-up.)

      I also think your insight who asking other women about the gender of their babies is a very good one. I’m constantly getting comments like “hope your next one is a girl!” or “you must really want a girl” etc. and it’s definitely not helpful. I’ve learned to let it roll off my back, but I’m glad that it’s helped me to be more sensitive about what I say to other moms. A good take-away lesson, I think. 😉

      Reply
  • Crystal
    19 June 2014 at 9:17 pm

    Im pregnant with #4 (my last baby) and I am so scared to find out the gender! I have three beautiful and healthy boys that I love to pieces and I know that regardless of what this baby is I will love them the same. I just think it’s hard knowing that if I hear “it’s a boy” this time that it is the last time and I will never have a girl. I always just assume that each one is a boy so that I dont get dissapointed, but this time I actually have hope for a girl and that scares me. :/

    Reply
  • Jennifer
    23 December 2014 at 6:33 pm

    I just had my 20 week ultrasound today. I already have a son who will turn 11 on Christmas, so I really wanted a girl. This pregnancy had many signs they say point to a girl. Everyone I know, husband,friends, family, coworkers…everyone said they thought it was a girl or they hoped it was a girl. We picked out only girl names. I tried to tell myself that it was probably a boy so it would reduce any disappointment. Lo and behold, when the ultrasound tech announced it was another boy I bawled my eyes out. Then I felt like a horrible person for feeling this way. Everyone I know has at least 1 of each so they will never understand how it feels and I will never get to experience being a mom to a baby girl :’-(

    But my son will be ecstatic that he is having a baby brother since he has 6 sisters from his dad.

    Reply
    • Mel
      24 December 2014 at 8:43 pm

      I just saw your comment come through to my emails since I subscribed to this post a while ago. I want you to know that I’m praying for you right now. I went through gender disappointment about 1.5 years ago and the pain is still palpable. The moment I met my baby, it all made so much sense and I was so thankful to know that God had me in His hands and knew the exact baby that was meant for me. But I think back to the painful time in my life. I still have a LOT of guilt because of my disappointment, and I hope one day I forgive myself. I’m also so grateful I found Adriel’s blog — this post (and so many of her other writings) helped me immensely. It was such a lonely journey and it was so difficult to talk about. Please know that you’re in my prayers right now. I’m praying that God gives you a peace that surpasses all understanding.

      Reply
      • Adriel
        31 December 2014 at 10:11 pm

        Thanks for your response Mel (and your encouragement). Jennifer, I really don’t have much to add other than to reassure you that your feelings aren’t absurd and also that the guilt associated with them can paralyze you if you let them. My belief and experience is that you need to allow yourself to grieve the loss (or perceived loss) and feel all the Feels 🙂 and then you need to let go (forgive yourself) where your feelings have caused guilt. It’s one thing to feel sad and disappointed, it’s quite another to let yourself be buried by the guilt that can come along with that. Let your guilt spur you to remind yourself of truth – motherhood (parenting) is hard, it often doesn’t go as planned, and yet you are ABSOLUTELY the right person for the job. Although you’re not perfect, you’re the “perfect” mom for your kids and that’s the important thing. And this little boy? He’s going to grow up knowing that he’s dearly loved. x
        Adriel recently posted..Under the Olive Tree (A letter to my baby)My Profile

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  • CAL
    28 January 2015 at 9:51 am

    I’ve been looking up forums to help me deal with gender disappointment. We are on baby #3 our last baby. I have 2 wonderful boys ages 4 and 1. I told myself it would be a boy again cause my husband seems to take after his dad who had 7 boys. But his brothers all had girls first so I had a little hit of hope maybe just one would be a girl. We found out last week no doubt it’s another boy. Some days I’m ok and some days I could cry all day. Every time I go to the baby section for something my boys need clothes, food ect I can’t help but look at all the girl stuff I will never be able to purchase. It breaks my heart and takes everything I have to not bust out of the store in utter tears. Even if this wasn’t our final baby it’s not my desire for a large family and I don’t think I could emotionally handle the disappointment of baby possibly turning out being a boy again and again. A lady with 2 boys, one in my son’s preschool class, just had her 3rd baby and she got a girl. I don’t know her personally but she seems nice yet all I want to do is hate her. Why does she get a girl after 2 boys. It seems so unfair. I see people post all they want is boys and they get a girl and they are upset. I wish I could switch them. Yet I love my baby and pray dearly that he’ll be healthy and that I won’t lose this pregnancy since I’ve had so many issues with my hypothyroidism this pregnancy. I pray the Lord won’t take this baby away cause of my guilt and feelings about having another boy. Yet there’s so many wonderful women out there that can’t have children at all and I’m crying over another boy seems so selfish. I just want this craziness to stop. I know once he’s here things will even out but it’s some time off yet. My husband tries to understand but he’s never put a huge deal on gender so he’s not really understanding my grief either. I’m just afraid to have these feelings for the rest of my life for a daughter that will never be. I was happy about this pregnancy til this point. Rather regretting finding out the gender. Hinsite is a wonderful thing.

    Reply
  • Jessica
    8 February 2015 at 11:31 am

    Thank you so much for this article. I have one son now and am pregnant with another. With my first, I WANTED a boy- I always pictured that “oldest brother.” I was so excited when we found out with him. With this one, I desperately wanted a girl. There were/are so many things I had hoped to share about my childhood (as an only child and a girly girl) and I am having a hard time letting go of those dreams. And like you, and so many others, have touched on- the guilt for being disappointed is HUGE. I want this baby, and I know he is truly a blessing. But I really am grieving the loss of a girl. It really helps to know that I am not alone in my feelings. I have wondered if feeling this way makes a horrible mother, or a selfish person. I wonder if other people knew about my disappointment, they would think that I am being ungrateful…

    Reply
  • Sarah
    23 April 2015 at 2:26 pm

    Hi, thanks so much for this post, it has helped me a lot. Reading all the comments makes me feel like I am not alone in feeling like this. I just found out that I am expecting boy #3. It’s funny as before I found out I was becoming more and more convinced that this baby was a girl, was even starting to look at girl things. I never expected to feel quite this sad at the thought of never having a girl. As this is probably our last bubba I guess I am grieving all the girly things I will never get to do. I always pictured myself having a little girl and I guess I do feel a little jealous that nearly all my friends have a little girl (and my bestie is having a girl and due a week or so after me) Makes me feel like a bad mum. But I’m glad I’m not alone in feeling like this. I plan to go shopping for a cute boy outfit soon and hoping I can get over this soon…

    Reply
  • CAL
    24 April 2015 at 3:19 am

    I wanted to post again since I’ve come a bit further since my last post. I’m now 6 weeks from my due date for our last baby boy #3. I just wanted to let all the moms know that the grief and guilt and tears do pass and you will find the joy again in your heart about being pregnant and expecting another miracle. It helped me greatly when I decided on a theme for his room which is teddy bears and then I have found a whole bunch of outfits w/teddy bears on them. We also finally decided on lil man’s name which has my dad and grandpa honored has helped immensely to put the joy back. Now I can’t wait to meet my lil Isaac. I also found a wonderfully uplifting article about a mom w/all boys listed below. http://familynewsandstuff.com/parenting/to-the-mother-of-all-boys/
    Allow yourself to grieve your loss and give it time. Eventually the joy will return. I have 2 adorable boys who absolutely adore their mama and now I can’t wait to add a 3rd. Hang in there moms! My heart goes out to each of you through your grieving process.

    Reply
    • Adriel Booker
      25 May 2015 at 7:35 pm

      Beautiful Cal. Thank you so much for sharing your continued experience.
      Adriel Booker recently posted..Why I believe in early pregnancy announcements despite the risk (and fear) of miscarriageMy Profile

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    • Jennifer
      26 July 2015 at 4:31 am

      Thank you so much for the update. This is so reassuring to hear. I hope by now you are enjoying your newest baby boy!

      Reply
      • CAL
        29 July 2015 at 1:09 am

        He has arrived! In fact he even surprised us and came 2 weeks early. I can say I fell head over heels in love with him. He loves to snuggle and be held just like my first son. My middle son is lovey except it’s always been on his terms since he was a baby. However with a baby that needs lots of mommy time both my older boys have become a lot more kissey huggy lovey with me which swells my heart. I still become a bit misty eyed when I see really cute girl stuff or mom’s w/a daughter(s) but I’ve made it ok to feel that and then look at my boys and I’m thankful for my babies. I’ve made peace w/myself and my feelings. My new outlook is hopefully each of my boys will meet a nice girl someday and she will be able to open her heart and life with me even though I’m only mom in law. And maybe an added bonus that my boys will give me granddaughters. It took some time but I’m in a good spot. It also helped the midwife that works with my OB also has 3 boys so I got to discuss some of my feelings with her during my postpartum checks. She very sweet and she could sympathize. She too would have liked one girl and had disappointment when her last was a boy. Her boys are older than mine so she shared some of her experiences and how her boys take good care of their mom and she’s loving having all boys. Giving a voice to my feelings helped me deal with them. I hope all the moms out there realize how amazing and awesome it is to have kids no matter the gender. Next hurtle kindergarten for my oldest this year. I might need a forum for that. Lol.

        Reply
  • Momof3boys
    8 May 2015 at 7:54 am

    Thank you so much for writing this. I had no idea there was such a thing. I am now 22 weeks pregnant with my 3rd boy. My husband was so sweet and surprised me with a gender reveal and I burst into tears. I always thought I wanted boys but hearing that this time we were having another I realized how much I wanted a girl. I’m so incredibly sad and don’t know how to deal with my feelings. My husband doesn’t understand and isn’t responding well to me. These feelings surprised me so much and I’m overwhelmed by the grief I feel. I don’t want to look at boy stuff, don’t want to plan a nursery, I even find myself frustrated with my two current boys (and I love them and cherish them so much). I think about missing out on mother/daughter things that I will never get to do with my boys. We had always thought about having 4 kids but I’m scared to even think about that and possibly having a 4th boy, it makes me not want to even have anymore after this one. I know I will love this baby, I just feel so angry, then ashamed and guilty for feeling like this. I feel like a horrible person and mom. I just feel like I’m the worst.

    Reply
    • Adriel Booker
      25 May 2015 at 7:42 pm

      Oh goodness! I can totally relate! Be kind to yourself. You probably just need some time to get used to it and let your emotions run their course. As long as they’re not absolutely ruling your life, I think it’s pretty normal. (My non-expert opinion!) You will find peace eventually… and that will turn to excitement as you meet your little boy (or sooner). I think it’s valid to “miss” all those mother-daughter experiences you won’t have though. That IS sad. I feel that too, and I think that’s okay. It doesn’t change how GLAD I am for my beloved sons. 🙂 All the best to you in your pregnancy. x
      Adriel Booker recently posted..Why I believe in early pregnancy announcements despite the risk (and fear) of miscarriageMy Profile

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  • Marie
    26 May 2015 at 10:50 pm

    Thanks for this post! I know it’s old, but apparently still very relevant! I have a little girl and found out two days ago that my second is a boy…and I felt really disappointed. In front of everyone at the gender reveal party…I was sure I was having another little girl, and I was really looking forward to that. I don’t know why – I have a brother and we’ve been close our whole lives. I guess I enjoy mothering my daughter so much that I wanted that again, but I’m sure I’ll adjust to having a boy eventually. So much guilt about those feelings, though. It’s so strange – when I was younger I always imagined having boys, maybe all boys, but now that I have a girl I just wanted more girly-ness I guess! It’s good to hear that boys are just as much fun 🙂 Thanks again for your honesty and encouragement!

    Reply
  • Jennifer
    26 July 2015 at 4:50 am

    Adriel,
    Thank you so much for your original post and all of the follow-up comments. I have carefully read each one. I am seeking comfort and peace. I am 16 weeks pregnant with my first baby. It took my husband and me 10 months to conceive, so we were especially thrilled to finally see those two lines. During that trying time, I prayed a lot that God would grant us the miracle of a baby, but during that time I also prayed that our miracle would be a baby girl. I feel so selfish to actually type that out. So many times during those 10 months, I cried and said out loud, “This will all be worth it if my baby is a girl.” Then every night when I was throwing up over the last 16 weeks, I said the same thing. I have been overly obsessed with knowing the gender of our baby the last 16 weeks. I have never wanted anything more than a precious baby girl to call my own. When I see children and peruse stores, I can only see the girls and girly things. I have no interest whatsoever in the boys and boy things, but something in the pit of me had doubts that I was, in fact, carrying my girl. My worst fears were realized yesterday when the ultrasound tech said, “And those are your little man’s parts.” My amazingly patient and sympathetic husband squeezed my hand tightly and kept whispering, “Are you okay?” I simply nodded and somehow managed to keep it together in the room, albeit asking, “Are you sure?” more than once. The minute the door closed behind us as we left, I lost it. I have not stopped crying since. I keep wondering if this is all a bad dream. I went from feeling ecstatic and so very grateful to be pregnant to feeling hopeless and depressed. I am sick to my stomach (although I pretty much have been this whole pregnancy) and have now lost my appetite. I am fortunate to have family and friends who have been, for the most part, supportive and understanding. And everyone keeps telling me that I will be fine as soon as I hold my baby boy for the first time. I want to believe this so badly. I would love to hear follow-ups from more of these posts to know how mom’s are doing post-delivery. But I thank you for your original post and allowing this to be a safe place for mom-to-be’s to divulge our true feelings on this somewhat controversial subject. I will continue to follow along and pray morning and night that God help me heal and move forward and begin to feel excited again about this precious baby boy inside of me.

    Reply
    • Mishell
      2 October 2015 at 10:43 pm

      Hey there my I have four boys and ever sense I can think I thought I would have a girl. Pregnant now with my fifth child and just found out yesterday. We are having another Boy. My heart is broken. I just don’t understand. I feel inadequate as a women. I feel as if God is saying I can handle or don’t deserve a girl . I know I am grieving dreams and what not. I am believing that when I see my son I will fall in love all over again. But for now I walking it out. Cant stop crying. All the things I bought for her I don’t want to see them anymore. I gave away so many clothes and items. Because I really believe it was a girl. I gotta get over this it not right . I know this is our last . My body can’t take any more pregnancy nor or wallet.

      Reply
      • Cal
        15 October 2015 at 2:14 pm

        Your post brought me to tears. I have 3 boys. Just had my 3rd in May. I too thought I was finally getting my girl. The pregnancy was so different that I bought quite a few outfits and girly things. I was absolutely devestated when the tech said It’s a Boy! I cried for days. Please be easy on yourself. It really is the hormones talking too. Give yourself the time to grieve. Your are no where near an inadequate women or mother. It’s our job as boy mom’s to raise these precious babies to be wonderful men. The love for your 5th baby will come. My 3rd lil man does these small things that my other 2 never did that make him so special and endearing. He just has this sweetness about him that has totally stolen my heart. It takes a strong confident women to raise boys. You can do this! For some reason God has chosen us to raise baby boys to young men. I hope as things unfold he’ll reveal more of his plan. It took me some time but I’ve mad peace with how my life has turned out. I hope you kept some of the things you bought. I did keep mine in the hopes that my boys will give me a granddaughter. Let your tears flow and your heart ache it’s all part of the healing process. Then try small steps and maybe plan his room theme or start picking out names. Something simple. I promise promise things will get better. One day at a time. My 3rd is our last and I’m learning to savor every moment with my boys. Girls make cards/pictures for daddy. Boys make cards/pictures for their mommies. I’ve gotten ten fold pictures from my oldest. Dad’s gotten enough to still count on one hand. Hang in there mama.

        Reply
      • Adriel Booker
        6 November 2015 at 12:43 am

        I’m sorry for the intense disappointment Mishell. There’s no way around it, but to walk through—as hard as that is. Have you considered going to speak with a therapist for a session or two? Sometimes being able to share with someone objectively can be really helpful. I’ve found that in regards to grief n general (and I’d call what you’re experiencing a type of grief). All the best to you. May you find hope and healing as you prepare to welcome this little one.
        Adriel Booker recently posted..Why I believe in early pregnancy announcements despite the risk (and fear) of miscarriageMy Profile

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    • Adriel Booker
      6 November 2015 at 12:39 am

      Hi Jennifer. Thanks for sharing your story here. It’s hard to admit the things we feel ashamed by, isn’t it? And yet there’s also some release in being vulnerable and hearing “me too,” which many here have done. How is your heart now? Have you found peace?
      Adriel Booker recently posted..When your kids teach you about hearing God’s voiceMy Profile

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      • Jennifer
        16 November 2015 at 12:30 pm

        Thanks for your reply and checking on me! I am definitely better but still have times of sadness. He isn’t here yet, so I am hoping the sadness will fade once I meet him! I am also praying for peace should #2 (down the road) be a boy as well. I guess this whole thing is a journey for us!

        Reply
  • leaah
    17 October 2015 at 9:16 pm

    Omgoodness! After reading through these posts, it kinda goes to show that these feelings that we as women have are really natural and perfectly normal, although it may not feel that wa at the time. I think also, the fact that we would fee soo bad about gender preference makes us feel even worse for even thinking and or feeling such ways. I have 3 boys and was not a happy bunny when told my last one was a boy especially as I was soo sure I was having a girl (pregnancy being complety different). I’m now 11 weeks pregnant with my 4th and am trying to mentally prepare myself for another boy cause I really do want a girl but just don’t see it happening. I love how brave you all are for admitting your thoughts and feelings. Ive come to the conclusion that in some cases you just can’t get what you want. We’re going to go through those motions just because we are human and we have to learn the best ways to deal with it. This forum is one of them. I think it’s fantastic!! Thank you Adriel

    Reply
    • Adriel Booker
      5 November 2015 at 6:11 pm

      All the best to you as you grapple with your emotions, Leaah. Thanks for sharing some of your story here. x

      Reply
  • Rebecca
    19 November 2015 at 5:24 am

    I am also very down in the dumps about having a girl. I don’t want to have a girl. My dream was to have all boys, or 2 boys and maybe a girl. My father-in-law has already stated he doesn’t want granddaughters and they won’t matter to him. Plus my husband is the only son left (he lost both his brothers fairly young) to carry on the family name. I honestly believe that he could lose everything he’s worked for on the family place because we aren’t having a boy. That’s the way his father is. Plus, I was a not wanted child by my mother or my dad’s family because of being a girl. I was 10 or so before people finally started to accept me. Plus, I have no excitement or desire to go shopping for a girl. I had always imagined little Wrangler jeans, boots, button down shirts and so on (we’re ranchers). My husband still has his tractors and toys from when he was little and I was so excited to watch our little man play with them. I don’t want things like dolls or Barbie’s around the house. I am a tomboy and HATE shopping for girl stuff. Plus, females on both sides of our families have major mental issues and are FULL OF DRAMA. My husband and I both hate drama and are very laid back people, and don’t go around family much because that’s what they are wrapped up in. It also doesn’t help that my husband’s cousin is having a boy at the same time we are due. Everyone is so excited for her to carry on her husband’s family name. It will also be the first boy to be born in her family, as she only has a sister. I feel like I’m being consumed by all these feelings and I can’t stand it. I haven’t had any mood swings during my pregnancy, I’ve been very happy and upbeat. That is, until I found out I’m having a girl. My mood has done a complete 180, and I can’t seem to pull myself up. So to sum it all up, everything equates to, I don’t want a daughter. I even don’t like saying the word ‘daughter’. It make me suck to my stomach to even think about giving birth and having them hand me a girl. I feel like I’m being completely negative, but I have to get it all out. Your post has really opened some things up for me, and I’m grateful for that.

    Reply
    • Adriel Booker
      16 December 2015 at 5:40 pm

      Hi Rebecca. Sometimes those unspoken pressures and expectations can catch us off guard with their strength. I’m sorry for your experience as a child—that is really awful. On top of that, if my FIL had said something like that to me about granddaughters not mattering, I’d be deeply offended. Selective “love” shouldn’t be a family precedent.

      I hope as you prepare to have your baby you’re able to continue talking out your feelings and processing your grief. Have you ever considered speaking to a counselor about this issue? I’ve found having someone objective and confidential to talk to about sensitive issues has been really helpful in my life. All the best for you. I’m glad you felt safe to enter into the conversation and share your story and feelings here.
      Adriel Booker recently posted..Coming Clean: We’re all drunk on somethingMy Profile

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  • Tamela
    13 January 2016 at 5:42 am

    Reading these comments have been so wonderful! I just recently found out baby#3 is another boy . Whew the entire time I was focusing on not bursting out in tears , I have just lost all interest in this pregnancy and I feel awful , my heart just feels empty . This baby was supposed to be the last one and I’m just split whether or not to have #4 , I mean I’m not sure I could deal with hearing it’s a boy for the 4th time …

    Reply
    • Adriel Booker
      31 March 2016 at 12:29 pm

      Gosh, those moments can be so emotional, can’t they? We also just found out we’re having another boy. My perspective has changed a bit because of a string of miscarriages and the fact that we’ve made it half way through the pregnancy and the baby measures perfectly brings me a lot of joy. At this point, I find it very appealing to have all boys. But, there’s that little part of me that still wishes and hopes for a daughter. We’re not sure if we’ll have another baby or not. One at a time in this house. 🙂 I hope you’re settling into the idea a little more now Tamela. I’ve found that we have to let our emotions do their thing, even though it’s uncomfortable as we’re in the thick of it. x
      Adriel Booker recently posted..Why I believe in early pregnancy announcements despite the risk (and fear) of miscarriageMy Profile

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      • expatinmilan
        31 May 2016 at 5:48 pm

        Hi
        thanks for sharing and creating this website… it is reassuring to know we are not alone with these complicated emotions… although I dont wish it on anyone…. I suffered a loss too so it makes me feel even worse about having these feelings… I truly want them to disappear so I can go back to being happy and excited about the pregnancy as I know that I will regret it if I dont… How are you feeling now about your 3rd boy? When are you due?

        Reply
        • Adriel Booker
          7 June 2016 at 9:15 am

          I’m glad you can be reassured you are not alone. I’m honestly excited to have another boy. I sometimes get nervous about how loud the house might become (I never realized how quiet of a person I was until I had kids!!) and I sometimes wonder how we’ll ever feed them all as they grow LOL. But I know those are things I’ll just have to grow into as a mom; the grace will be there when I need it. I do still raise a daughter, but I’m also at peace knowing that life simply doesn’t operate according to our desires. Hard pill to swallow, but I have. 🙂 I think the fact that I’ve also lost three babies to miscarriage helps put things into perspective for me. (One of those was confirmed a girl through genetic testing, and I’m almost certain one of the others was a girl as well, though I could totally be wrong.) It really does help to realize how precious life is. I’m currently 28 weeks pregnant, due in August with boy #3. 🙂

          Reply
  • Marci
    24 February 2016 at 4:37 pm

    Ok so this is the first gender disappointment forum I have felt safe enough to post in, I am over 35 & have 2 children already (10 years apart daughter is the oldest son is 10) well just found out today it’s a girl (had the CVS blood test thing & among other genetic questions gender was able to be answered) I didn’t think I would be AS upset as I was but as soon as the dr said you’re having a girl I felt like I’d been punched in the gut my husband doesn’t care he was leaning more towards a boy but he said he’s happy either way since we have a son together already (daughter is from previous relationship & was raised by my husband from 8 yrs) anyhow I was so upset I barely listened to anything in the rest of the appt & when I got to my car I cried, I believe it has a lot to do with my experiences & the women in both sides of our families as I’m not dreading the early part of a daughter’s life as much as the 12+ years my daughter was a beautiful very good baby as was my son but I just felt different with my son I had always wanted a boy I feel horrible I have already been researching abortion clinics in my area & am seriously thinking that’s what I want to do (I have had them before) I know it sounds awful but I just don’t want to invest so much time & energy on a baby & it still knows it’s not what mommy wanted, I’ve never been terribly nurturing or easy to show many emotions other than anger or sadness (probably a defense mechanism from my daughter’s original father) but I feel so disconnected & like I don’t care about this one already I’m so torn the dr said “that will change” but I don’t see that happening I feel myself slipping further into a dark place & even though my husband assures me he’s in it 100% & that he has my back I just don’t know if I can go through with this & bring a child into this world who won’t be wanted from the beginning I hate feeling like this when I know there are lots of people struggling to conceive and/or have healthy children at all but it’s just the way I feel & I don’t know if I should wait to see if things change & risk it being too late to change my mind or not have the baby & get my tubes tied

    Reply
    • Adriel Booker
      31 March 2016 at 12:35 pm

      Hi Marci. It sounds like you’re in a tough spot emotionally with all of this. I’m so glad you felt safe here on my little corner of the internet. (I might be bias, but I think my readers are the best on the web.) 🙂 I’m hoping you spent some time reading through allllll the comments and realize how normal it is to feel disappointment when you’ve had an idea about gender in your head—it’s important to give yourself permission to feel, grieve, and explore those emotions as you need to.. Obviously we all have our different reasons for being disappointed by whatever gender and it’s good that you’ve been able to pinpoint some of yours. I guess my encouragement to you would be to gently remind you that every child is different and you don’t have to duplicate the past in the future. Perhaps that sounds cliche but I hope it helps bring possibility and hope to your situation with your newest daughter. I’m so glad you have a supportive and loving husband alongside you. All the best as you decide how to move forward. Please feel free to write again or check back in here anytime you need to. Much love. xx
      Adriel Booker recently posted..Wings and roots: Of mixed metaphor and the search for homeMy Profile

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  • Jaime Gibson
    4 March 2016 at 11:59 am

    It’s such a relief to be able to share something so honest and personal and not be completely judged. I lost my baby girl at 16 weeks in April 2015 due to a tumor that grew on her spine. I got pregnant again in October 2015. I found out at my 16 week ultrasound that this baby is a boy. I wasn’t utterly in despair but I knew I felt disappointed. I did google gender disappointment back then and haven’t been excited over a lot of things due to this one being a boy. I am just over 20 weeks now and I’m still wrestling with the idea that this baby isn’t a girl like my first one I lost. My best friend and sister in law has the same due date as me and just found out today that her baby is a girl (and she already has a daughter) and I absolutely bawled my eyes out. I cannot get over it. I’m scared because how will I ever get over it? This is permanent. This baby will always be boy and hers will always be a girl. I just don’t understand why if I have always wanted a girl, why did God give me one only to take it away? And then bless us with another baby, only to make it a boy? I have the worst guilt and shame in feeling this way but I can’t stop feeling it and I don’t know how I’ll stop..

    Reply
    • Adriel Booker
      31 March 2016 at 12:42 pm

      Hi Jaime and thank you for trusting us with some of your story. I’m glad you feel safe here.

      As you can tell from all the women who have commented, you’re not alone in feeling a bit disillusioned. More than anything I want to say I’m incredibly sorry for your loss. To lose a child is the most heartbreaking thing. I lost my last baby as well—a girl we named Ruby. I’m now 18 weeks pregnant with my third boy. I guess we all travel this stuff differently but in some ways I’m glad it’s a boy so I don’t inadvertently view this baby as a “replacement” for Ruby. No one will ever replace her, nor should they. Like you, I still want a daughter (that I can raise, not just meet one day in heaven), and I can’t explain why things happen the way they do. What I’m confident of, though, is that in the midst of it all God has a way of bringing beauty out of the pain. Sometimes I can see that straight away and other times it takes a little longer… but always he is faithful to do that.

      I hope you have a good support system around you to process these feelings with. Most of all, don’t be ashamed to take your guilt and anger (or whatever else) to God. He can handle all of us—the best and worst—and he loves us regardless. I hope you experience and feel that—his love and comfort and peace that comes despite our own confusion and personal storms.

      Big hugs to you as you move forward, and please feel free to come back and check in or write again at any time. No judgement here, only love and concern. Xx
      Adriel Booker recently posted..Why I believe in early pregnancy announcements despite the risk (and fear) of miscarriageMy Profile

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  • CAL
    7 March 2016 at 9:52 am

    Thank you so much for this site Adriel. Reading all these ladies thoughts and feelings really helped me come to terms with having 3 wonderful little boys. My youngest is now 9 mths old and he’s just the sweetest lil baby boy. I don’t know what I’d do without him. My biggest challenge came dec/Jan when my little (not so much any more) cousin announced she was pregnant. I was ecstatic for her and her hubby. But I’ve been afraid of having feelings of anger and resentment for any of my friends or family if they had a girl. I would never want that since I love my friends and family dearly and I want to be happy for them in their time of excitement for a new baby. My cousin text me after her mom ofcourse after the ultrasound “Your not gonna believe this. It’s a girl!” I felt such joy for them I almost cried. I had a blast shopping for her baby shower and she had her baby beginning of march. I can’t wait to meet her. Then another one of our friends who has 2 boys is pregnant with her third which turned out to be a girl. I felt a little sad cause I kinda wanted a kindred spirit but happy for her. I just enjoyed shopping for her too. Because of your thoughtful comments and telling women it’s ok to have these feelings it helped me deal with my anger and sadness. Just knowing there were women like me with these feelings made me feel less alone. I really hope all the ladies that have posted find peace and joy with the gifts they have been presented with. My 3rd is my last baby and I’m loving my little boys.

    Reply
    • Adriel Booker
      31 March 2016 at 12:46 pm

      Beautiful story, Cal. Thanks for taking the time to share some of your journey and how things panned out for you as you continued to process the disappointment. I’m now half way through pregnancy with my third boy (after experiencing three miscarriages after the first two), and although I still love the thought of having a daughter to raise, I’ve grown really excited that I have this little band of brothers and what that means for me as a mom. Children truly are a gift, but sometimes it takes a little getting used to the gift when our idea told us it was going to be something else. 🙂
      Adriel Booker recently posted..Coming Clean: We’re all drunk on somethingMy Profile

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  • MomofPrincesses
    15 March 2016 at 6:01 am

    We had our 3rd princess and I was so dissapointed . We decided not to find out the gender ,my husband saw her and fell in love with her right away. But I am struggling…I’m struggling so much it has made my post partum a lot worse. I am so envious of those who have a boy and think about all I will miss out on by not having a boy.

    Reply
    • Adriel Booker
      31 March 2016 at 12:51 pm

      Hey there mama. As you can see from this huge string of comments, the disappointment is real and actually quite common. Please remember that after birth (as you know!) our hormones go crazy and can really exacerbate things. I’d encourage you to speak with your doctor about post partum depression as this is likely all tied in together. You just may need a little extra support in these early days and as you process the grief of life looking different to what you had hoped/expected. There’s absolutely no shame in that! None at all! I’m so glad you felt safe enough to outwardly process/share here, but I hope you can also find good support around you to talk things through with. You are not alone! And if you are, you don’t have to be!

      Please do feel freedom to come back and check in here if you’d like or write again. No judgement here Mom of Princesses, only empathy and love and concern. Xo
      Adriel Booker recently posted..Tiny house, big love: Our life in a renovated vintage caravanMy Profile

      Reply
    • CAL
      1 April 2016 at 6:40 am

      I actually find this refreshing. I have always wondered if mom’s with all daughters get as disappointed as boy moms. I saw a mom with 3 girls at the grocery store and seriously wanted to strike up this conversation but figured since I was a complete stranger she’d think I was nuts. It’s comforting to know that even mom’s with all girls go through this. Guess as all moms we all have a lot in common no matter if we have all one gender or one of each gender.

      Reply
  • Jessica
    6 April 2016 at 8:48 pm

    I have a beautiful boy and am pregnant with my second – only a few weeks in.
    I don’t know how I will cope if I find out it’s another boy. I fear I will resent my husband and myself as we messed up on the shettles method and did it on a ‘boy day’. I really wanted to try anything to have a girl and we couldn’t even do that right.

    Reply
  • Mike
    28 May 2016 at 7:55 am

    I need help please…

    I’m really worried and scared, We are waiting for our 2nd boy, but my wife is really upset, mad and depressed since she knew that we will have another boy (2 days ago). She dreamed with a girl, but now that the doctor confirmed that is a boy she is craying all day and night.
    Im so scared because in the first night that she knew is a boy she had a craying attack and said that don’t want him, she wont give breast milk, she said she want to abort or give it to adoption, also said that my 2nd boy will be all day in kindergarten and she wont take care of him, that everything is my fault because I don’t make girls.

    I tried to cheer her but she is simply not in the mood. I don’t know how to make her to feel better, I Cannot!

    I don´t know, I think we need professional help, Am I correct? Or should I be patient and wait she get better?

    She is very attached to his parents, Should I talk to them and ask for help?

    Mike

    Reply
    • Cecilia Robinson
      30 May 2016 at 5:32 pm

      OMG! My sincerest apologies but I think its ridiculous that someone could suggest giving up their child for a adoption or having an abortion because according to them they don’t have the right gender.

      Think of all the women, couples who can not have kids or have been trying for 5,10,15 or 20 years. There are women who have been trying so long that they are now past child bearing age.

      Your wife, fiance, whatever she is to you needs to get a strong grip of her self and fast. If she’s pregnant her baby is going through the motions of what’s she’s feeling. That’s not good at all.

      I’m really sorry but you need to put your foot down. Sure we want boys or girls and we become sad or disappointed if we don’t get what we want but we have to get over it. Your partner is taking this thing too far. If you love her please give her a reality check.

      Reply
    • Adriel Booker
      30 May 2016 at 6:06 pm

      Hi Mike, and thanks for writing. You must feel very scared and concerned for your wife and your baby right now. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. Your wife sounds like she’s in a lot of shock and pain if she’s threatening termination or adoption. That must be horrible to hear as the father. Hopefully the dust is settle a little now as it’s been a few days. It could absolutely be helpful for her to speak to someone professionally. Are you able to encourage her in that direction or does she have a strong stigma against professional mental health care? It might be helpful to enlist some help from a close family member or trusted friend, but only if you’re able to do it sensitively so she doesn’t feel ganged up on. Right now your wife needs a lot of love (even if she’s not acting like it). That’s my (non-professional) assessment at least. Ultimately, it’s your baby too so I hope she will let you in and accept your support and care. You probably also need to find a trusted person to talk to. If you haven’t already, please google “pregnancy help line” or “crisis pregnancy center” plus your city name and ask to speak to someone for yourself. They can not only help you process your wife’s reactions, but perhaps can advise how to help care for her as she’s obviously been blindsided by disappointment and grief.

      Hope that helps Mike. Thanks for your email and for reaching out. I’m praying for you as I write and hit ‘post comment’.
      Adriel Booker recently posted..Coming Clean: We’re all drunk on somethingMy Profile

      Reply
      • Cecilia
        30 May 2016 at 6:16 pm

        Also Mike,

        Not to mention the children that a born disabled etc…

        Sorry I know your probably upset but take your feelings out and think with your head.

        We take life for granted too much. I wish I could be more sensitive to your situation but that’s not realistic.

        Maybe your partner should visit a children’s ward where there are sick children, then she might appreciate what she has more.

        Reply
      • Mike
        31 May 2016 at 3:58 am

        Dear Adriel and Cecilia
        Thanks for your comments and advices…

        Fortunately my wife feels much better now and feels guilty of what she said..
        I will keep an eye on her and wishing she don’t feel the same way again.

        Reply
        • Adriel Booker
          7 June 2016 at 9:16 am

          All the best to you Mike. Pregnancy can be fraught with emotional issues. I wish you and your wife peace and joy as you move forward together.

          Reply
          • Cecilia
            7 June 2016 at 2:19 pm

            Good luck to both you and your wife Mike, my sincerest apologies if you thought I was hard on you but life’s too short. None of us can say we will live to see tomorrow. We must make the best of what we have with what we have. Also if it makes your wife feel better, I have 4 boys aged 11,6,5 and 5weeks old loooool. They’re all so different in their own away. It’s amazing. I definitely hoped for a girl and 4th time round was sure it had to be a girl but clearly my partner is a boy making machine loooool. I promise you both will enjoy every moment when baby arrives and that’s what life’s about… moments….. take care

    • CAL
      9 June 2016 at 1:23 pm

      Glad to hear your wife is feeling better. I totally feel her heartbreak. I had my 3rd little boy last May. He just had his first birthday on the 16th. Hopefully your 2nd little boy will just steal her heart. All my boys have but there’s just something extra sweet and special about my 3rd. He’s a mama’s boy through and through. As much as I wanted a little girl myself, I don’t know what I’d do without my little man. Hoping and praying for your family. Good luck.

      Reply
      • Adriel Booker
        15 June 2016 at 1:49 pm

        So sweet Cal. Thanks for sharing your experience. 🙂

        Reply
  • Jackie
    15 June 2016 at 12:23 am

    Just found out yesterday we are having boy#3. I was convinced we were finally going to have a girl. The ultrasound tech had barely gotten situated and I think before she could even open her mouth I said, “it’s a boy..” And she smiled and said “yep. He’s very clearly got boy parts!” My heart sank, and I held back tears until I got to my car. I so badly wanted a little girl! And the mourning and realization that I will probably never get to raise a daughter (I always wanted 3, never gave much thought to having a 4th… It could happen, but I would never do it just on hopes of having a girl) is overwhelming. Everything you wrote just spoke to me… I have so much I wanted to pass to my daughter, and now I never will have that opportunity. I’m still so depressed, but it’s not even been 24 hours since we found out so I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. I know it’s ok to be upset and mourn that loss of what I will never have. But my guilt comes from feeling unexcited about this pregnancy now. It’s not this baby’s fault he’s not a girl! Or that I wanted a girl more than a boy! He’s so innocent in all this and it makes me feel even more guilty. I love my sons, but since we decided to start having kids I’ve dreamt of frilly dresses and pearls and curling hair… Of picking out wedding dresses and helping her with her babies. It’s so comforting to know other people feel disappointed sometimes and it fades away with time. It eases my guilt and sadness:/

    Reply
    • Adriel Booker
      15 June 2016 at 1:48 pm

      Hugs to you, Jackie. I hear you. I really do. Thanks for feeling safe enough to share your disappointment here. Pregnancy is fraught with emotion, isn’t it? I hope as time goes on your excitement will grow. That’s been my experience at least, and I suspect it will be yours, too. In the meantime, give yourself a little grace to feel what you feel. Much love to you and bubs. And congratulations of course. x

      Reply
  • Ally
    28 December 2016 at 12:09 am

    I realise this is an old post but really hoping someone reads this…

    I just found out we’re having a boy and I’m so shocked. My whole life I’ve imagined having a daughter, although I tried to put that aside and be open when I became pregnant. However a few weeks ago I was praying and I felt God say to me “I have been preparing you and equipping you all your life to be a mother to this little girl.” It felt so special and over the next few days I felt this was reinforced in my prayer time. I’m not one to constantly be thinking God is telling me stuff about my life or predictions about the future, but now and then I really feel like I hear from him through words or images and usually this has held to be true and such a source of encouragement.

    So the other day my husband and I opened the email revealing the sex, me fully expecting it to confirm the baby’s a girl. I was not in any way prepared to read it’s a boy although probably I should have been. I tried to be positive but couldn’t hide my disappointment and confusion from my husband, who’s now very upset with me and says I have ruined a special moment for him and questions if I’ll love the baby.

    It feels like a triple whammy – my confusion over hearing from God and it turning out to be wrong, my grief for the little girl I won’t have and my distress at my husband’s reaction towards me. I feel so sad and ashamed and confused. How did I get it so wrong? I feel like now I don’t trust anything I hear from God and I’m finding it very hard to pray about this.

    I felt like I knew how to be a good mother to a little girl. In a way I wanted to recreate the special time I had with my mum when I was little, and had all these ideas of all the fun stuff we’d do together, like stories and crafts and imaginary play and enjoying nature. Maybe I wanted to restore that time in some way. The little boys I know seem to enjoy bashing around and pretending to shoot each other, I know this is a massive stereotype, but I just can’t imagine being able to relate to or connect with that.

    I so want to be happy and joyful about this pregnancy and I feel like I’ve veered into a parallel universe. I’m 39 and not necessarily thinking we’ll have more children. I also have a background of depression and anxiety and it’s taken so much to get me here, I really wanted to enjoy it. Any advice appreciated!

    Reply
    • Adriel Booker
      2 January 2017 at 3:27 pm

      Hi Ally,

      Thanks so much for your email and for sharing some of your story. I wish I had the magic words for you to make it all feel better. I can totally understand your triple disappointment there——makes perfect sense to me. We just had our third little boy after our first two and then three consecutive miscarriages. (I’m also 39.) I was similarly convinced this last baby was a girl and it wasn’t. I was so shocked at the ultrasound appointment I asked her to check it three times. It’s not the first time I’ve had an experience where I thought God spoke something to my heart and it didn’t come to pass. Those moments are hard to reconcile. I guess I’ve just come to the conclusion that I’ve somehow misunderstood and that’s okay. The difficult thing in the midst of it all is not then projecting onto the other times you feel like you’ve “heard” from God and discount them as somehow being inaccurate too. I hope this helps.

      I’m sorry that things are strained with your husband. I can understand why he felt disappointed by your reaction. It’s not a right or wrong issue between you (neither responses are “right” or “wrong”), but you both experienced genuine feelings (subjective) in reaction to what happened (objective). Have you been able to offer a heart-felt apology for how your reaction made him feel? Asking for forgiveness can be powerful. It doesn’t erase how you feel (or even mean that your reaction was somehow “wrong”) but hopefully can release him to more easily forgive. (“I’m sorry that my own disappointment affected your special moment too. Although I can’t change the way I felt when I found out, I wish I could have a re-do of how I reacted in the moment. Will you forgive me?”) And then maybe there is something you can do to create a moment together to mark having a boy. (Go buy a little outfit together or pick out a special, timeless toy or book that will start your collection for him.) It won’t replace what’s happened, but perhaps you can create a new memory?

      As for your disappointment about having a boy, give yourself a little time to grieve the loss of what you imagined your future to look like. That’s a real thing and it’s ok to feel sad about it. Then start asking the Lord to give you anticipation for having a little boy. I promise you that you’ll learn how to mother little boy and you’ll love him with your whole heart. Dealing with mixed emotions now doesn’t mean you don’t love your baby. Take care not to get those two things confused.

      Finally, I would suggest speaking to our GP or psychologist since you already have a history of depression and anxiety. I think your feelings are normal, but talking that through with a professional can only help.

      All the best to you Ally. I hope this helps. And please know you’re not alone.

      love adriel

      Reply
      • Ally
        2 January 2017 at 10:16 pm

        Hi Adriel,

        Thank you SO much for your thoughtful and kind reply, it really means a lot. I’m sure that was especially hard for you to hear the news of another boy after your losses and two boys in a row.

        I definitely feel better about things than I did a week ago, I was so in shock. Things seem to be restored between me and my husband and we’re getting on great, although I do feel slightly wary of the destructiveness of our emotions when they’re unleashed… I did apologise at the time but accompanied by “I’m an awful person, I hate myself for ruining this for you” etc. I now think it was understandable to feel as I did so I might try and genuinely apologise to him without throwing myself to the dogs… guess I’m nervous of opening it all up again.

        I’m trying to think about all the good, kind, funny men I know and imagine the sort of man this little baby might grow up into – as well as what those men might have been like as little boys. I know little boys are awesome and I don’t want to project negativity onto them. I also know it’s an amazing responsibility to help him develop into a healthy, happy person who understands himself – the same as what I’d want if I had a daughter.

        My husband and I are starting to look for cute boys’ clothes which is fun. Every now and then I see some adorable little girly dungarees and get a twinge, but I’m trying to accept that it’s ok to feel sadness.

        I do have an amazing therapist, thank goodness – I’ve not been able to see her over the holidays which has been hard, but I have been able to email her. Poor lady, we’ll have a lot to talk about when I see her!!

        I’m trying to pray about it… I just feel so hurt, I guess I must have misunderstood what God was saying but I feel angry that he let me misunderstand! Which is probably a bit childish. Trying to be honest in my prayers so I can get past this. I do know that God can’t have made a mistake in giving me a little boy, so I guess I have to try and trust his purposes even if it makes no sense to me.

        So glad I stumbled across this post and all the comments when I did! It’s a hard thing to talk about, and as my husband and most of my friends aren’t Christians, it’s so great to hear from ladies of faith who understand 🙂

        Much love to all the ladies going through something similar, really helps to know it’s not just me. Thanks again Adriel x

        Reply
  • Sneha
    16 February 2017 at 8:24 pm

    Hello ,

    I have been preparing to have a baby girl all my life . But I found out recently Iam having a boy . My need to have agirl stems from the fact that I think I understand my oarents more than my brother . I have to spell somethings out to him so he can understand the emotional side of things . We dont really plan to have another child , we always just wanted one so I have to bury all my instincts and be happy with this boy .
    I am now only 17 weeks so not even half way through . Every one in our close family knows I wanted a girl , I feel like I failed myself . I wonder if I will ever be able to be as happy about my son .
    I am planning to go shopping for boy clothes etc. to see if the retail therapy may help me convince it may be okay to have a boy .
    What can I do to get me out of this depressing mental state . I dont want to harm my baby or scar it mentally with my mental state . I need some advice . May be brief pointers of steps I could take would be great . Please help me , I even dream about how disappointed I am …

    Reply
    • Adriel Booker
      27 February 2017 at 4:18 pm

      Hi Sneha, thanks for your note. I’m sorry that you’re feeling so disappointed. Honestly, I just don’t think there’s a 1-2-3 solution for you. I firmly believe that grief surrounding this type of loss or disappointment is real and you need to let the grief run it’s course. It’s possible to be simultaneously joyful about your child and pregnancy while also being sad about the gender being different to what you thought. My best “advice” is to talk to a trust friend, partner, or counselor and be kind to yourself in the meantime while also allowing your love for your baby to continue to grow. Congratulations on the gift of a child. I pray you’ll find peace in your heart as you continue to nurture him. x

      Reply
  • Jeffrey Manley
    28 February 2017 at 7:30 pm

    Many parents who feel disappointment when they first learn their baby’s gender are happy to have that disappointment wash away once they first set eyes on their new baby. In fact, many experts advise against learning your baby’s gender for this reason. If you wait until your baby is born before finding out if it is a boy or a girl, the theory goes, you will be more likely to focus on your baby as an individual than on whether you got the gender you “wanted.” Plus, remember that parenting throws you all kinds of curve balls, and the better ou are at adjusting to the unexpected, the better you will deal with the challenges ahead.

    Reply
  • Kim
    5 May 2017 at 5:17 pm

    We struggled to get pregnant for 5 years. Many times i just wanted to give up. We were finally able to get pregnant this February. My entire life I have dreamed of having a little baby girl. I’m adopted and didn’t have a great relationship with my parents growing up and I have yearned for that connection of the mother/daughter relationship that I have never had. I found out yesterday that I’m having a boy. It feels like a cruel punishment. I suffered for years of not being able to conceive to then be given another trial of having a boy. I am angry at God. I feel like I am constantly being thrown one trial after another and don’t get time to be happy. My mother in law passed away a month ago and so the news of our pregnancy was overshadowed by her passing. I felt like I couldn’t celebrate since we were grieving. Not that I know I’m having a boy, I don’t want to celebrate or tell anyone. My best friend is pregnant with a little girl and I don’t want to tell her that I’m having a boy because I resent her for having what I want so desperately. I feel completely detached from this child and am dreading the next 6 months. I don’t want to have another child at this point because I don’t want to deal with these feelings again. I don’t know what to do to make myself want this pregnancy. The whole situation feels very hopeless.

    Reply
  • Katrina
    27 January 2021 at 7:26 am

    I found out today that my second is another boy. I’ve loved being a boy mom so much that I really thought I would be fine either way… but it’s been a rough day. My son is a huge mamas boy and I know it’s hard for my husband sometimes to take it personally- sometimes my son cries or yells when he comes near. It’s just really hard and I’m afraid that this little boy will be the same.

    Reply
  • Gina
    1 July 2021 at 6:16 am

    I found out yesterday that we are having a boy. I always said as long as the baby is healthy, it’ll be ok, but I really, really want a girl. I always envisioned myself having girls. I want to do a better job than my mother did raising me; the way she would speak to me, so dismissively. Many of the boys in my family (dad, brother, uncle) are actually real jerks. I don’t want that to become this baby. I understand it’s not genetic but I can’t help but feeling this way. I’ve ruined my husband’s mood (he’s always wanted a boy but is pointing out that he unlike me genuinely doesn’t care what it is…can’t help but wonder how he would’ve reacted if it had been a girl). We had one miscarriage just prior to this pregnancy. I’m 40. I’ve waited a long time to get married and start a family…something I was coming to terms with might never happen prior to meeting my husband…just at the start of the pandemic and lockdown! I know we are blessed (and I know women who can’t have children). I’m happy this baby is healthy. I just hope I get over this soon and start being excited again. I don’t want to give birth and have an emotionless reaction to this little boy. That would be the worst – if I never feel anything for our son. I hope that’s an unlikely scenario. I also am uncertain about having a second child now if we get so lucky to conceive again. I’m convinced it will be a boy again. I’m at work and can’t stop crying since yesterday evening. This feeling sucks!

    Reply
    • Adriel Booker
      19 July 2021 at 11:49 am

      I’m sorry you are feeling so stressed and disappointed. I think you can give yourself some grace to grieve the loss of what you hoped for and separate that from the love you can (and WILL) feel for your little boy. You can see your negative emotions to be about you, not about him, and process that way. As you give yourself some space to process your big reaction to your own grief about this news, then you can also begin to think about what kind of a little boy you’d like to raise. There is no reason he has to grow up to become like those who have hurt you. And you will fall in love with your little boy as you let your heart go there. Congratulations on your pregnancy. I’m so glad to hear all is progressing as it should be.

      Reply

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