How I dealt with gender disappointment during pregnancy when finding out I was having a boy… and how much I love being a mom to boys now.
{5|52}
We were convinced it was a girl. We wanted a girl. We even had chosen a girl’s name while we were still engaged.
So when the sonographer told us “it’s a boy” it came as a big surprise.
But the bigger surprise was how much disappointment came with hearing those three little words.
I was shocked by it in fact.
I genuinely thought I’d be happy either way.
But I wasn’t. I was sad.
(Ok, I was actually happy and sad – you get it, right?)
My husband squeezed my hand. Though I may have been hiding it from everyone else, he could read the look on my face. And he probably knew me better than I even knew myself.
It wasn’t just that the news caught us by surprise; the deeper issue was that I was ashamed at my sadness.
The guilt of it came immediately crushing down.
I was desperate that my baby would feel no sense of rejection over his life from us, even stemming from his time in the womb, and so the fact that I dealt with these emotions made me feel like a failure before he was even in my arms.
But over the next few days the news began to sink in.
I’m having a boy.
I always wanted a boy. It’s just that I always imagined having a girl first.
I had looked forward to tea parties, playing dress-up, dollies, and shopping excursions – all the things my little girl self enjoyed, and all the things I imagined my grown-up self to love all over again with a little in tow.
But as that boy news sunk in – as I gave up my ideas of little cardigans and leg warmers and cute mary jane’s – I began to get excited about having a boy.
Really excited.
So excited that by the time he was born having a girl was the farthest thing from my radar.
And so excited, even, that when we found out our second pregnancy was also a boy, I was over-the-moon about being a mom to brothers!
Now that I have two boys on the outside I’m realizing more and more what a privilege it is to be a mom to boys.
This world is in desperate need of more “good men”. We’ve heard it a thousand times… and it’s true.
I have the privilege—the responsibility—to now raise good men.
And as much as I’d still love a girl to call our own, I’m also now so aware of the part I can play in history by raising wonderful boys… to be men.
I like it.
No, I love it.
I can’t imagine it any other way than to be a boy mom.
And for the record, I still get to have tea parties and play dress up sometimes. Yay.
Pssst… Someone turned two on Sunday. We had a beautiful family day together (just us and a couple special aunties). He got a big box full of cowboy gear from Gigi and Grampy in America… and a new train set. (Such a boy!) His kid party was today (can you guess?? cowboy theme!), but more on that one later this week.
Dear friends, did you experience gender disappointment with your babies? Did it make you feel guilty or ashamed? How did you get over it?
P.S. A little shout out to some of my “boy mom” friends – Roz, Mandy, Rachel, Greta, Courtney, and Rachel! You are great moms!!
cowboy: #5 of my 52 fotos project.
Linking in with other Project 52ers: Styleberry Blog and Courtney Kirkland.
Love this! Everyone thought my boy was a girl too and had even named him “baby Jane” when I was still in the early stages of pregnancy. I had one sole girl name picked out (not Jane), and I wore a pink top to the ultrasound! When I found out he was a boy I was shocked, but I had a huge hunch he was a boy all along so I wasn’t *that* disappointed…but I did feel embarrassed telling all my friends that he was a boy…weird, isn’t it?
I find it funny now, because I absolutely LOVE being mum to a boy, whereas when I was pregnant I thought being a mum to a girl would be way more fun, fulfilling, and pretty (HA!) I would love to have another boy one day, and can’t even imagine having a girl now. So bizarre.
Yeah, weird how we can be so convinced one way or another… and then end up wrong!
For the record, you are an awesome “boy mom” Ashley!! (I didn’t link your blog because I wasn’t sure of the privacy settings now.)
I can still imagine having a girl (and would love to), but I’m not going to keep “trying” until we “get one”. That’s what I think is weird – trying to “get one” as if we have anything to do with the gender! (And I find it bizarre that everyone asks about it!) Even if we do have a third boy, I’ll be happy. Our kidlets are such a gift!
Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos recently posted..dealing with gender disappointment in pregnancy (and raising boys to be men)
This is good for me to read. Knowing that this baby is our last I was really hoping for a girl. So much so that I let myself believe that the sonographers were probably wrong. When he was born I actually checked that he was indeed a boy. I absolutely love having boys and maybe I was just thinking that the ideal family has a little girl but I think now we’re complete with a little boy to tag along with his big brothers!
I completely understand that Tabitha. I think if I was in your shoes, I would have felt the same way. I’d really love to have a girl too, and maybe it would be harder hearing “it’s a boy” for #3 than it was for me for #2. BUT, yes, I do think raising boys is such a huge responsibility and we can do it well! I DO love the thought that if we do it well, the world will be a much, much better place.
And for the record, I just LOVE your little SJ. x
Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos recently posted..getting ready for baby number two | it’s ok to question yourself
Ahhhh – I confess to a small frowny face with Robi. With him we, too, were both convinced it was a girl…Z more than I. and Z was more disappointed both times. I was actually happy the 2nd time because I wanted Robi to have a playmate for life. But, I LOVE having boys. And just think: no bathroom wars, no boyfriends, and no footing the bill for a wedding! lol!!!! There are definite advantages to having boys.
Rosilind recently posted..The Dangers of Comparison
maybe no bathroom wars… but no doubt the bathrooms will often look like a war zone! hahaha. *cringe*
Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos recently posted..the perfect mom? | my practices of parenting (and how my values shape them)
I guessed incorrectly on both of my kids, and am probably wrong with what I think number three is (we’ll find out in two weeks). And I was disappointed both times. Especially with number two (our boy)- I really really wanted him to be a girl. I want my oldest (our girl) to have a sister, and was just very sad when I found out that wasn’t happening right away.
Anyway. I have to say that it took a good long time for me to get over the disappointment. I prayed, I talked about it, I hoped the feelings would change- but it took a while. Like his entire first year of life! Nope- my feelings didn’t shift as soon as I met him, or even as I got to know him more and more outside of the womb. A big part of me still wished he were a she. (Yes, buckets of maternal guilt).
And then things changed. I fell in love with him, for who he is. My sweet little boy. But it took a while.
It is hard to write that out- I feel like such a jerk- but I also want other moms to know that maybe there are others who struggle with this even after their little baby is born.
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Thanks for sharing Katherine. It’s good to hear your perspective, and I can only imagine your bucket loads.
But I think you’re right – women do need to hear that they aren’t alone in how they deal with the gender issue. To some it comes easily, to others it’s much, much harder. And I guess even able to admit that is part of the healing and growing process?? And you’re not a jerk – you’re just honest. The important thing is that your little boy grows up feeling loved and wanted and accepted as he is… and no doubt that’s just how you make him feel. Thanks again for sharing your perspective. I’m so grateful.
Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos recently posted..the perfect mom? | my practices of parenting (and how my values shape them)
It is so nice to know that someone can be that brutally honest. I am devastated because I found out one of my twins is probably going to be a girl and I do not see me just getting over it because I hold her or she is cute. It will take time to get over it I think. If the second twin is also a girl I think I might lose my mind LOL since I never wanted a girl or much less two in the first place. I have an older son and I love little boys. I never wanted the drama and hassle and high maintenance life that is girls.
Thanks for your comment and honesty Tiffany. I guess all I can say is… I’m convinced you’ll get the little ones who are just right for you.
And yes, it’s important to honestly process your REAL feelings in the midst of it all.
I hope your pregnancy is going well. Congratulations on your twins – that’s just wonderful! x
Adriel Booker recently posted..De-clutter your entire house by Christmas in 50 little steps, just a few minutes a day.
This is a late entry but I wrote more about this topic on my blog as well: http://yeoldcollegetry.wordpress.com/2012/11/18/when-you-wanted-a-______-but-you-got-a-_______/
It’s good for moms to have a place to talk about this! Glad you introduced the topic.
Katherine recently posted..When There’s Not Much to Say
First, thanks for the shout out and compliment. Second, this topic is something that I feel is not discussed often enough. To say I understand what you’re talking about here is an understatement. No, not only do I understand it, but I FEEL it…down to the core. So much so that I refused to have a 3rd baby until we were 100% ready to have either a boy or a girl. This topic was actually the original reason I started my motherhood blog (which I haven’t written on it almost a year). When I finally, bravely, admitted my feelings I was shocked to learn that I was not alone. Here’s the blog post I’m referencing…I called it “Gender Envy” http://transparenciesofmotherhood.blogspot.com/search/label/gender%20envy
Thanks for sharing this Adriel. You are truly an amazing mom. An inspiration.
Thanks Greta. I actually remember that post! Maybe I will have to re-read it.
“So much so that I refused to have a 3rd baby until we were 100% ready to have either a boy or a girl.”
This is amazing. Even though I’m so glad to have two boys, I really would like a girl (and so would Ryan). I imagine the 3rd will be the hardest for us because we may not have more than 3 kids so there could be some “finality” about it. I think the fact that you prepared your heart like that is so wonderful and is truly something I will need to consider too. It comes down to surrendering your desires before God, doesn’t it?
Thanks again for sharing. I think you’re a pretty amazing mom too.
Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos recently posted..the perfect mom? | my practices of parenting (and how my values shape them)
Although I can’t relate to the gender disappointment (because I wanted boys and don’t have a real desire to have a girl), I can definitely relate to the rest of this post! After writing my post this week about having 2 boys, I have been noticing more and more all of the great Mother’s out there. I am so delighted that I’m not the only one to realize what a great privileged it is to have boys, and also, the obligation that comes with it. The world really is in desperate need of great men that do great things. And by great things I don’t mean discover something or invent something. I mean the simple things. Like treat their wife kindly and with respect. Show appreciation for those around them. Have a charitable heart… those kinds of things. Okay now I’m babbling. Ha ha. Thanks for being an inspiration
Mandy@ asortafairytale recently posted..week in iphone pics w.23
totally, totally agree. x
Adriel Booker recently posted..De-clutter your entire house by Christmas in 50 little steps, just a few minutes a day.
Yes, a bit. With our first, I felt the same as you. I wanted a boy..but I assumed we’d have a girl first. I really only mourned the cute clothes I wouldn’t be using haha.
I was so excited.
THEN we were having twins and I was sure, there would be one girl in there!
But alas…two boys
My OB asked if I was depressed. Um..no.
I was elated. I was amazed…never did I think I’d be that Mom…the one with 3 boys
And yet, here I am. Totally and completely complete
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that’s so awesome krystle! you have your own little band of boys to keep you on your toes!!
they’re lucky to have you!
Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos recently posted..the cost of motherhood | how much are you willing to pay?
Parenthood is a tremendous responsibility, regardless of the family make up. I think feeling disappointed over the sex of a baby is extremely normal, and not at all something to be ashamed of. We begin every new journey in life with some sort of expectation, whether we realize it or not. And parenthood is nothing different. The important thing is that you (general you) move past the disappointment and see the beauty in what you’ve been given. Boy or Girl, they are all precious children of God, entrusted into our care. I never ever imagined myself as the mother of four children, let alone all one sex. But now I can’t imagine life any other way.
Queenie recently posted..Every Child Deserves Celebration, Not Just The First
I couldn’t agree more.
Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos recently posted..hair, hair | a post-partum rant
I kept saying I didn’t care ether way. Then? Ifht before we entered te sonogram room I started crying. My husband was terrified thinking something was wrong. My problem? I realized I wanted a boy SO badly!
My little man? The biggest blessing ever.
Life As Wife recently posted..How Motherhood Helped Me Get My Swag Back
that’s really, really sweet!
With my first, I really, really wanted a girl, and I got a girl. But with my second, I was open to having a boy or a girl. Since we already had a girl, however, I was kind of secretly hoping for a boy, just because I thought it would make things more interesting. But, as you know, I got a girl. And, I couldn’t be more happier. I know that these things are planned for by God, so I’ve learned to trust His plan. With my next, I think it would be cool if we got a boy, but if not, again, we’ll adjust and learn to not see our reality as being anything but the best one that we could have been given.
Jessica recently posted..52|5: No bon bons for this stay at home mom
yeah, same! i thought it would be fun if our second was a girl too, but i had a hunch he was a he. that excited me and so when we found out i was glad. i think i still had that fraction of disappointment, but it wasn’t deep at all. i was so excited to have brothers. but yes, i think with #3 it might be harder again. we shall see… i’m just so grateful to have kids at all. what a blessing.
Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos recently posted..don’t carpe diem | do you? or don’t you?
This is why I don’t like finding out what the sex is before you have bubs…While obviously this is your own decision, I believe pregnancy is often not a time when you are thinking’clearly’ and hormones are raging…so finding out then allows you to feel all sorts of things that you may or may not really feel. On the day you meet them however – there’s no chance for disappointment! You are so excited to meet bubs that the sex doesn’t even factor in! I’ve met alot of people who are disappointed when they find out during pregnancy but no one who waits till the day!
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Thanks Pez. I’ve never thought of it that way! Love your perspective!!
Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos recently posted..traveling with a baby: the essential list as told by xavier
Obviously this rings true with a lot more people than I ever thought it would! So much so that I’ve never told anyone before (outside of Jason) and I so DESPERATELY wanted a little boy that I didn’t know what I would do if it had been a girl. There were multiple reasons that I choose not to have a scan while pregnant and I felt terribly guilty the whole time that one of the reasons was I didn’t actually want to know if I was having a girl. If it was going to be a girl, I wanted to see her and fall in love with her instantly. I grew up with 4 sisters and always felt more or less forced to be the girliest girl ever (probably it worked) but I wanted adventure! Dirt! Camping! Rambunctiousness (I’m aware that that is possibly not a word but spell check didn’t pick it up). I was so absolutely positive that God was going to give us a girl just to teach me (lovingly) a few things that I actually went into a real state of shock when I saw that penis! I know that I would have loved a little girl just as much but I am truly grateful for my little boy. I want lots of little boys! But I also do want a little girl too. I LOVE being a boy mum! But more than anything, I love being a Mum.
By the way, thanks for the shout out!
Rachel recently posted..rise above it
Wow Rachel – out of the closet. haha! yes, you’re definitely not alone!
I’m so glad you got your little xave. he is just perfect. 
Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos recently posted..the perfect mom? | my practices of parenting (and how my values shape them)
My hubby was bummed when he found out we were having a girl and he too was surprised that he was bummed because he didn’t think he cared either. I was happy because I kinda figured we would have a girl and even now like you I would be happy to have another girl so that D could have a sister. I know it has been really tough for some of my friends who are done having kiddos and they have 3 girls or 3 boys…they always have an ache for the girl they will never have or the boy. yah know. So, we shall see if that is me someday or not. lol. Beautiful post friend!
casey recently posted..22 Months Old
yeah, it’s really hard to presume how we will feel during the “next” pregnancy… and that assumes we are blessed with the “next” one as well!
I always wanted aboy first, because I always wished I had had a big brother. But after being raised with a sister, I admit I was a little scared to have a boy. What do you even do with them? Would they want to sit and cuddle and read books? (Yes to cuddling, no to reading, at least when they were little) Would they think I was boring? I don’t like cars or trucks and I throw like a girl!
Boy number one was followed by boys number two through six. When we went for our ultrasound for baby number seven, I was just sure it would be a boy. But it was a girl . . . what would I do with a girl?! I admit I was more frightened of mothering a girl than I had ever been of mothering boys. She’s so different from me. If I had had her first, I’m afraid I would have spent way too much time trying to make her into the girl I expected (one like me) instead of the girl I was blessed with. Funny how things turn out.
A wonderful post, Adriel. I really enjoy your blog!
Wow Julie – six boys and a girl! Must be a circus around there! A really fun, beautiful circus!
You are well and truly a boy mom expert I’d say, and how cool that by the time your daughter came you knew how to be a great girl-mom too (accepting her for who she is).
And, just for the record, my two year old is obsessed with books and always has been. He plays with books even more than toys, or at least just as much! ha! My rambunctious little megablock-knocking, train-ramming, book lover!
Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos recently posted..the perfect mom? | my practices of parenting (and how my values shape them)
It’s even more of a circus than you might imagine. The first seven fit in with your topic, but we actually have 11 – nine sons and two daughters.
Several of my too-busy-to-sit-still children are now book lovers, including my older daughter. My youngest, who is ten months old today, loves books, too. There’s not much better than crinkly, yummy paper. I’m hoping he’ll one day love what’s ON the pages, too.
Wow! Love it Julie!!
Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos recently posted..the perfect mom? | my practices of parenting (and how my values shape them)
I am constantly amazed at how you can put to words such delicate topics in such an elegant and meaningful way. Thank you for that.
My little loved one is 7 months old and I am loving him so much. I really enjoy him being a boy. He’s just learning to lean in for a kiss and oh my goodness does it melt my heart like no other! That being said, I really wanted my first to be a girl. When I found out I was pregnant, my dreams were filled with frilly, lacy, flowery, pink and purple outfits! When I found out it was a boy I was so sad and immediately felt guilty and ashamed. Would I be able to love a boy the same? I totally hid it from everyone (sometimes flat out lying which brought on more guilt!). Oh why do we do this to ourselves. Then, when a friend of mine found out she was having a boy and expressed the same feelings as me, it was floodgate that opened in my heart. I was able to see that grieving this is okay, and it allows me to open my heart up to be filled with love for the boy that would soon be in my arms!
God is good. He filled this mama’s heart with so much love that somedays I don’t know how I can possibly contain the love I have for my son.
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Beautiful Charissa. I love this: “I was able to see that grieving this is okay, and it allows me to open my heart up to be filled with love for the boy that would soon be in my arms!” So wise and insightful.
And yes, topics like these can be sensitive and embarrassing, but they are so normal and need to be talked about so mommies aren’t buried in guilt! And like you said, so that we can be free to just love our kiddos like they deserve!
Thanks for sharing. x
Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos recently posted..the perfect mom? | my practices of parenting (and how my values shape them)
my husband is the “last male” to carry on his family name so when our first baby turned out to be a girl, i think i was the only one excited!! (although secretly…lol). our 2nd is a boy so everyone was happy then. with our 3rd baby, we didn’t find out until delivery if we were having a boy or a girl (which was SO much fun!). i was convinced it was a boy. in fact, i was sort of hoping for another boy since all the cousins born right at that time were all boys and i was really hoping to take the pressure off of MY son later on in life to have sons to carry on the family name. when my ava girl arrived, i wasn’t so much disappointed…but i was definitely shocked because i’d just convinced myself she was a boy!!
alison recently posted..bedtime {prayers}
Haha, that’s hilarious! I think it would be so much fun to wait until birth to find out. My I might die of the anticipation in the meantime. Not sure that I could do it.
Adriel Booker recently posted..bokoro’s story | giving birth in the mud
I admit…I really do want a little girl when we have a second child. We both wanted a son first and when we found out that Noah was, in fact, a boy I was over the moon. I think that gender preference is really more common than people care to let on. It’s that whole “you should be happy with a baby, no matter the sex” stigma that makes people feel guilty for wanting a boy or a girl. I WILL be happy with either a boy or a girl when the time comes to have baby #2…but I’d be lying if I said that I would choose to have a girl over a boy next time. But that doesn’t mean that I won’t love either gender any more or less.
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Just came to this post to respond to a new comment I got here and noticed a few comments I never responded to including yours. And now… look how far you’ve come! Pregnant with your second child – it’s so wonderful. You are going to love being the mom of brothers.
Adriel Booker recently posted..bokoro’s story | giving birth in the mud
I’ll admit with my first pregnancy i was expecting a girl. My grandmother gave birth to two girls and a boy, my mother has two girls, and my aunt has three girls, so i just assumed I’d follow suit. When I heard “It’s a boy” I couldn’t hide the shock, but once it sunk in I loved the idea of having a boy. Now I couldn’t see my life without him, and fell in love with him instantly after i saw him. I’m currently on my second pregnancy and would love to have a baby girl, but if I was blessed with another boy i would still be excited. Babies are a gift from god and are meant to be treasured.
I’ll admit with my first pregnancy i thought I was expecting a girl. My grandmother gave birth to two girls and a boy, my mother has two girls, and my aunt has three girls, so i just assumed I’d follow suit. When I heard “It’s a boy” I couldn’t hide the shock, but once it sunk in I loved the idea of having a boy. Now I couldn’t see my life without him, and fell in love with him instantly after i saw him. I’m currently on my second pregnancy and would love to have a baby girl, but if I was blessed with another boy i would still be excited. Babies are a gift from god and are meant to be treasured.
Yes, I can very much relate to that! Congrats on your second pregnancy!! I hope it’s all going really well for you.
Adriel Booker recently posted..bokoro’s story | giving birth in the mud
i had never encountered this before and, to be honest, i judged other women who would be disappointed because they were having one or the other (usually a boy). it made me angry. didn’t they appreciate what they had?!? boys are awesome! my tune changed recently. i am expecting baby number 6. i have four boys and one little girl in the middle of them. i thought for SURE this baby was a girl. i had pulled out the clothes from my daughter and started sorting through them. i just KNEW that another girl would complete our family just perfectly. when the ultrasound tech was doing our ultrasound i could tell before she even said anything. since that time i have had a lot of ups and downs. it’s not that i don’t love the baby, it’s just not what i had felt was supposed to happen. i thought to myself, “i have enough boys!” it has been a lot of ups and downs and endless guilt over my feelings but i am so thankful for other moms out there who have been there too. i know that i will love this little man more than i can even imagine but it is still hard to let go of that dream of the little girl i had pictured.
Yes, of course you will be totally smitten with your little man. Like you, I used to think it quite selfish when people were disappointed with baby’s gender. I suppose I just didn’t have enough empathy then. We can’t deny our emotional responses (they just come!!) but we can choose what to then do with them and how to respond to them. (And by no means should we allow those feelings to be projected onto our children. Of course.) Motherhood brings with it enough potential for guilt – unfortunately pregnancy isn’t exempt. Our feelings are what they are, but let’s not let guilt beat us up in the process!! Glad you’ve found support from other moms – you certainly aren’t alone. HUGS. Congrats on your sixth. Wow, that is just wonderful. x
Adriel Booker recently posted..bokoro’s story | giving birth in the mud
I am crying reading these posts. Pregnancy hormones, hello! We didn’t find out the sex of our first son until birth. I was so happy to have a boy. For my entire life, I had imagined having a boy first, and then a girl. I had 2 miscarriages before my next child was born. I wasn’t able to find out the sex of those 2 little ones. I will always wonder about that…. Then I got pregnant again and was worried that I’d be disappointed if we waited until the birth to find out. I really thought that I was having a girl. I felt different; it was just a different pregnancy. I was shocked during the ultrasound when the technician said we were having a boy. I held it together and smiled. Later that day and for the next few days, I cried a LOT. And of course, I felt terribly guilty about my crying, and didn’t even tell my husband about it. We were finally lucky enough to have another healthy baby, so who cares about the gender? Well I did. I was never close with my mother. I have always dreamed of having a daughter who I could love and be close to, and grow to be friends with later on. I felt like that dream was ripped away from me. We always thought we would only have 2 kids…. but after meeting my 2nd son, and falling in love with him, we have decided to go for #3. I have decided to wait until the birth to find out, just because I want that amazing surprise one more time, and I want to prepare myself as much as possible for a life with 3 boys… but I don’t want 20 weeks of knowing that I’m having another boy without being able to hold him. I think it will be better in the long run for me to wait. My motto is, if I am given 3 boys to love and care for, there has got to be a reason for it, and I am meant to be a mom to only boys! One day the reason will be shown to me!
First of all, congrats on your second baby boy Megan – I’m so glad you have two healthy little ones!!
It’s so sad that we sometimes feel we have to hide this stuff – yes, we don’t want our KIDS thinking we were disappointed with them, but we should be able to at least process with our partners!! I’m glad I found out with both because by the time they were born I SO didn’t care what gender they were. With Levi, I needed that time to process, with Judah (my 2nd) I didn’t.
Not sure about #3 for us – if we’ll find out or not. Love the idea of having a surprise… but I’m a planner by nature so will probably want to know. LOL.
Anyway, thanks for your honesty and comment. I’m so happy for you, and glad for a great boy mom out there, cuz it really is true – the world needs more good men!!!
Adriel Booker recently posted..De-clutter your entire house by Christmas in 50 little steps, just a few minutes a day.
Thank you for your response. I am lucky to be the mom of my 2 awesome boys! I had to reply after you did because my youngest is Levi Jude and my oldest is Jonah. So funny! I love Judah as well
I really needed this today. I have three boys and I am pregant with baby number 4. To be honest I have no idea if number 4 is a boy or not… I just have a feeling it is. My heart aches for a little girl. I love my boys but I want a daughter to call my own. Finding out #2 was a boy was not so bad… #3 was much worse… And now I am worried about #4. Don’t get me wrong I am excited about having another baby and I know we are blessed to have so many kids. But I long for that baby girl and wonder why she has not come yet. What is wrong with me that I can’t be blessed with a girl? I think about questions like that and all these feelings of guilt make gender disappointment worse because I know I am really blessed. then I get told things like “well there must be a reason you are a mother to boys. God knows why.” Stuff like that breaks my heart because again it makes me think there is somthing wrong with me that God wouldn’t give us a girl. My heart is aching but your artical made me feel better. Thank you. I love my boys and if #4 is a boy I will love him too. My heart just longs for that pink blanket to wrap around my own baby girl.
oh dear anna, thank you for your honesty. i understand that hope deferred makes the heart grow sick. of course you will love your child either way, but please don’t think there’s something wrong with you because you have a preference. that’s so normal. AND there’s nothing wrong with you because you don’t have a girl yet. God’s not into rewards and with holding that like. he’s just not. there are surely many mysteries of him that we cannot understand, but i’m positive he doesn’t taunt and trick us with a dangling carrot stick just out of reach.
big hugs to you as you wait. i hope you get your pink blanket! but if not, i have no doubt you’ll love that little one just as much. xx
I googled “gender disappointmet boy” and found this blog. I am seven months pregnant with boy no three and I think I will never get ober having three boys. I feel no joy at all for the new baby. Until week 18 I visited sbortion clinics several times but couldn’t go through with it. I feel so ungrateful and I don’ t deserve to have kids at all. But as the only woman in the family, I feel terribly lonely. I have serious suicidal thoughts about this but I can’t get any help for this. I feel like my life is over. I wake up every day facing loneliness and I don’t think I will be able to love my third son. He was supposed to be a girl but instead, he will make me look like a freak mom. Failed three times in a row. I am goong to ask to be sedated/sleeping during the scheduled c-section so I won’t have to see him being born. It’s terrinle to feel this way and I know it’ s so wromg and twisted. But I never wanted three boys and I can’t cope.
Oh dear, Jenny. I’m so sorry that I’m not meeting you in person. How I would love to sit down with you and share a cup of coffee and talk about these issues face-to-face.
You certainly haven’t failed as a mom by conceiving boys!
Do you have someone there with whom you can speak to face-to-face about these issues? If you email me your city perhaps I can help find you someone to connect with in person. I can’t make any promises, but I sure would like to help if I’m able.
Thanks for reaching out here. Please know that I am praying for you and have been since the first day I read this comment!
Adriel xx
Adriel Booker recently posted..Because He never stops giving. Ever.
I too am having my third boy and I do feel very disappointed at times. I know it sounds selfish and childish but I have given so much to my boys but they take all of my energy and I’m so tired. I will love this little boy with all of my heart and when he is born I will probably not think about gender disappointment at all, but I really wanted to experience having a daughter too. It’s hard knowing that this will never happen. The biggest thing in my life is the uncaring and thoughtless comments by almost everyone I know. They are not excited I’m having a baby at all, they are just expecting me to have a girl… Because its so easy to pre order one right? I’ve had it with their silly comments and dumb ideas that if its another boy well then I need to try again, or I have failed somehow. I wish I had a really good one liner to put people in their place and I wish it didn’t get to me so much
Oh Jane, I’m sorry that you are feeling so discouraged. Yes, we all know the right answers (and like you said, when your little one is born you WILL love him to pieces and wouldn’t ever want to replace him), but it makes me sad that people say careless things that have hurt you when you’re already dealing with all of these big emotions. I imagine it’s more grieving the loss of something you won’t have (a daughter) than it is the fact that your little one is a boy. Grief is a process and it can take time to work through – but you will get there! AND that doesn’t have to affect your love and affection for your little dude one bit! Two very different issues inside one mama’s very big heart!! Be encouraged today, Jane! xx
Adriel Booker recently posted..I’ve loved him for three years. But really, I’ve loved him always.
We just turned 6 months yesterday and so off we went to find out the gender. Im a mom to a beautiful sweet little boy, my three year old Keiran. Ever since he learned he’s going to be a big brother soon, he’s been referring to my bump as “baby girl”. He’s so affectionately sweet, thoughtful and protective of the bump he he fondly refers to as baby girl. He kisses, sings, talks to and hugs it every single day and night, and yes he refuses to refer to it as a baby boy. There was no way we could convince him. Every time he sees girly stuff he’ll pick it up and “show” it to my tummy and say “this is for baby girl”, really sweet. And since my cravings, pregnancy hormones and other stuff are very different from when i had Keiran, we were convinced and assumed it’s a girl indeed (didn’t even bother thinking of a boy’s name). With Keiran, I had terrible pimples and all sorts that I don’t normally have when I’m not pregnant and I had that pregmancy glow all throughout. With this 2nd baby, I had no pimples or any weird stuff so I assumed it’s a firl coz my our hormones seem to agree. Alas! Yesterday, the sonologist revealed that it’s another boy. There was deafening silence in the room, no cheers nor smiles, and our little Keiran just suddenly lost excitement, so did hubby and me. Next thing I know as we went out, I couldn’t stop the tears and emotional turmoil. We tried to brush it off since im now safe finally from placenta previa and just tried to entertain ourselves. Tried going into baby shops to distract myself into buying new baby stuff, didn’t work, I just ended up throwing a tantrum (i know, im guilty). So then we tried going to a toy shop where the nightmare started to sink in. Keiran hurried to the pink area, took a Hello Kitty toy and ran to me beaming and thrilled to show the toy to my bump “baby girl this is for you”. Yes, that was my breaking point. I just melted into tears amidst the store and excited kids everywhere. Even after painstakingly convincing Keiran that he’s gonna have a brother and not a sister, he still can’t accept it. How can I go through everyday with his routines of what he does for what he thinks his sib would be? I apologize for the meltdown, but it’s still so fresh and I can’t handle it. My fear in first thing was breaking Keiran’s heart and expectations, but it seems like all three of us are broken hearted over this.
I m mum to two boys and then I had a daughter. I myself am the oldest of 5 I have four younger brothers. When my youngest brother was born I was so disappointed. I wanted a sister . It never really bothered me as I got older but now in my 30 s I wish I had a sister. I m having a fourth child which we had nt planned so j convinced myself it was a girl. Scan revealed it was a boy. I was so upset. Not for me but for my daughter. Like me she will never have a sister. I can t stop thinking about it and feeling sad. It s driving me crazy. I love my brothers and they re great but its not the same. Not the same’chats’ etc.
I just wanted to say what kind-hearted and genuinely thoughtful replies you give Adriel. I came upon this as I am struggling with the same sort of feelings and find it helps reading through other people’s experiences. You are such a good embodiment of Christianity, being so caring and unjudgemental.