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Dealing with gender disappointment in pregnancy

The taboo topic of gender dissapointment in pregnancy - a much more common issue than most of us like to admit.

How I dealt with gender disappointment during pregnancy when finding out I was having a boy.

We were convinced it was a girl. We wanted a girl. We even had chosen a girl’s name while we were still engaged.

So when the sonographer told us “it’s a boy” it came as a big surprise.

But the bigger surprise was how much disappointment came with hearing those three little words.

I was shocked by it in fact.

I genuinely thought I’d be happy either way.

But I wasn’t. I was sad.

(Ok, I was actually happy and sad – you get it, right?)

My husband squeezed my hand. Though I may have been hiding it from everyone else, he could read the look on my face. And he probably knew me better than I even knew myself.

It wasn’t just that the news caught us by surprise; the deeper issue was that I was ashamed at my sadness.

The guilt of feeling the way I did came crashing down immediately.

Experiencing gender disappointment made me feel like a failure as a mother.

I was desperate that my baby would feel no sense of rejection over his life from us, even stemming from his time in the womb, and so the fact that I dealt with these emotions made me feel like a failure before he was even in my arms.

But over the next few days the news began to sink in.

I’m having a boy.

little boy in a cowboy hat

I always wanted a boy. It’s just that I always imagined having a girl first.

I had looked forward to tea parties, playing dress-up, dolls, and shopping excursions – all the things my little girl self enjoyed, and all the things I imagined my grown-up self to love all over again with a little girl in tow. (And even that is a little silly, considering not all girls like that kind of stuff. I’m learning these gender stereotypes don’t actually do our boys or girls any favors.)

But as that boy news sunk in – as I gave up my ideas of little cardigans and leg warmers and cute Mary Jane shoes – I began to get excited about having a boy.

Really excited.

So excited that by the time he was born, having a girl was the farthest thing from my radar.

And so excited, even, that when we found out our second pregnancy was also a boy, I was over-the-moon about being a mom to brothers.

Now that I have two boys on the outside I’m realizing more and more what a privilege it is to be a mom to boys.

This world is in desperate need of more “good men”. We’ve heard it a thousand times… and it’s true.

I have the privilege—the responsibility—to raise good men.

And as much as I’d still love a girl to call our own, I’m also now aware of the part I can play in shaping history by raising wonderful boys to be men. (I love that.)

I’m a “boy mom” and proud to be one.

(And for the record, I still get to have tea parties, play dolls, and play dress up sometimes. Yay!)

Are you dealing with gender disappointment in pregnancy?

Maybe you have experienced gender disappointment, too. Or perhaps you’re experiencing it now. My best advice to you is to not let the guilt of your feelings consume you. Find someone you trust with whom you can confide. If you are a spiritual person, you can also take your concerns to the Lord and ask Him to help you process your big emotions. Find tools that help you deal with your guilt and shame, and battle those things with vulnerability and self-acceptance. Realize that you may be grieving the loss of a dream, and allow yourself to walk through the process of accepting that reality.

If you find your emotions extreme and suspect you might be battling depression over this issue, please seek professional help. There is no shame in seeking help – only the hope of healing and wholeness that will positively affect your own heart and bring health to the way you relate to your baby and your family!

And remember – you are pregnant! Hormonal! Dealing with mood swings! Everything probably seems a little bit more amplified because of that… so give yourself some grace and some time to let the dust settle.

You are not alone.

Dear friends, did you experience gender disappointment with your babies? Did it make you feel guilty or ashamed? How did you work through your emotions?

two year old boy in a big cowboy hat

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About Adriel

Adriel Booker is a writer, speaker, and difference-maker living Down Under with her Aussie love and littles where they serve in full-time ministry (and full-time parenting) together. She writes about celebrating motherhood, building families, strengthening faith, enjoying life, empowering women, changing the world, and telling the story.

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107 Responses to Dealing with gender disappointment in pregnancy

  1. Ashley February 4, 2012 at 6:21 pm #

    Love this! Everyone thought my boy was a girl too and had even named him “baby Jane” when I was still in the early stages of pregnancy. I had one sole girl name picked out (not Jane), and I wore a pink top to the ultrasound! When I found out he was a boy I was shocked, but I had a huge hunch he was a boy all along so I wasn’t *that* disappointed…but I did feel embarrassed telling all my friends that he was a boy…weird, isn’t it?

    I find it funny now, because I absolutely LOVE being mum to a boy, whereas when I was pregnant I thought being a mum to a girl would be way more fun, fulfilling, and pretty (HA!) I would love to have another boy one day, and can’t even imagine having a girl now. So bizarre.

    • Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos February 4, 2012 at 8:52 pm #

      Yeah, weird how we can be so convinced one way or another… and then end up wrong!

      For the record, you are an awesome “boy mom” Ashley!! (I didn’t link your blog because I wasn’t sure of the privacy settings now.)

      I can still imagine having a girl (and would love to), but I’m not going to keep “trying” until we “get one”. That’s what I think is weird – trying to “get one” as if we have anything to do with the gender! (And I find it bizarre that everyone asks about it!) Even if we do have a third boy, I’ll be happy. Our kidlets are such a gift! :)
      Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos recently posted..dealing with gender disappointment in pregnancy (and raising boys to be men)My Profile

  2. Tabitha February 4, 2012 at 8:56 pm #

    This is good for me to read. Knowing that this baby is our last I was really hoping for a girl. So much so that I let myself believe that the sonographers were probably wrong. When he was born I actually checked that he was indeed a boy. I absolutely love having boys and maybe I was just thinking that the ideal family has a little girl but I think now we’re complete with a little boy to tag along with his big brothers!

    • Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos February 4, 2012 at 9:09 pm #

      I completely understand that Tabitha. I think if I was in your shoes, I would have felt the same way. I’d really love to have a girl too, and maybe it would be harder hearing “it’s a boy” for #3 than it was for me for #2. BUT, yes, I do think raising boys is such a huge responsibility and we can do it well! I DO love the thought that if we do it well, the world will be a much, much better place.

      And for the record, I just LOVE your little SJ. x
      Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos recently posted..getting ready for baby number two | it’s ok to question yourselfMy Profile

  3. Rosilind February 4, 2012 at 10:31 pm #

    Ahhhh – I confess to a small frowny face with Robi. With him we, too, were both convinced it was a girl…Z more than I. and Z was more disappointed both times. I was actually happy the 2nd time because I wanted Robi to have a playmate for life. But, I LOVE having boys. And just think: no bathroom wars, no boyfriends, and no footing the bill for a wedding! lol!!!! There are definite advantages to having boys.
    Rosilind recently posted..The Dangers of ComparisonMy Profile

  4. Katherine February 4, 2012 at 11:30 pm #

    I guessed incorrectly on both of my kids, and am probably wrong with what I think number three is (we’ll find out in two weeks). And I was disappointed both times. Especially with number two (our boy)- I really really wanted him to be a girl. I want my oldest (our girl) to have a sister, and was just very sad when I found out that wasn’t happening right away.

    Anyway. I have to say that it took a good long time for me to get over the disappointment. I prayed, I talked about it, I hoped the feelings would change- but it took a while. Like his entire first year of life! Nope- my feelings didn’t shift as soon as I met him, or even as I got to know him more and more outside of the womb. A big part of me still wished he were a she. (Yes, buckets of maternal guilt).

    And then things changed. I fell in love with him, for who he is. My sweet little boy. But it took a while.

    It is hard to write that out- I feel like such a jerk- but I also want other moms to know that maybe there are others who struggle with this even after their little baby is born.
    Katherine recently posted..Good Clean FunMy Profile

    • Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos February 6, 2012 at 11:12 pm #

      Thanks for sharing Katherine. It’s good to hear your perspective, and I can only imagine your bucket loads. :( But I think you’re right – women do need to hear that they aren’t alone in how they deal with the gender issue. To some it comes easily, to others it’s much, much harder. And I guess even able to admit that is part of the healing and growing process?? And you’re not a jerk – you’re just honest. The important thing is that your little boy grows up feeling loved and wanted and accepted as he is… and no doubt that’s just how you make him feel. Thanks again for sharing your perspective. I’m so grateful.
      Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos recently posted..the perfect mom? | my practices of parenting (and how my values shape them)My Profile

    • Tiffany Almirola September 28, 2012 at 1:36 am #

      It is so nice to know that someone can be that brutally honest. I am devastated because I found out one of my twins is probably going to be a girl and I do not see me just getting over it because I hold her or she is cute. It will take time to get over it I think. If the second twin is also a girl I think I might lose my mind LOL since I never wanted a girl or much less two in the first place. I have an older son and I love little boys. I never wanted the drama and hassle and high maintenance life that is girls.

  5. Greta February 5, 2012 at 1:10 am #

    First, thanks for the shout out and compliment. Second, this topic is something that I feel is not discussed often enough. To say I understand what you’re talking about here is an understatement. No, not only do I understand it, but I FEEL it…down to the core. So much so that I refused to have a 3rd baby until we were 100% ready to have either a boy or a girl. This topic was actually the original reason I started my motherhood blog (which I haven’t written on it almost a year). When I finally, bravely, admitted my feelings I was shocked to learn that I was not alone. Here’s the blog post I’m referencing…I called it “Gender Envy” http://transparenciesofmotherhood.blogspot.com/search/label/gender%20envy
    Thanks for sharing this Adriel. You are truly an amazing mom. An inspiration.

    • Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos February 6, 2012 at 11:15 pm #

      Thanks Greta. I actually remember that post! Maybe I will have to re-read it.

      “So much so that I refused to have a 3rd baby until we were 100% ready to have either a boy or a girl.”
      This is amazing. Even though I’m so glad to have two boys, I really would like a girl (and so would Ryan). I imagine the 3rd will be the hardest for us because we may not have more than 3 kids so there could be some “finality” about it. I think the fact that you prepared your heart like that is so wonderful and is truly something I will need to consider too. It comes down to surrendering your desires before God, doesn’t it?

      Thanks again for sharing. I think you’re a pretty amazing mom too.
      Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos recently posted..the perfect mom? | my practices of parenting (and how my values shape them)My Profile

  6. Mandy@ asortafairytale February 5, 2012 at 1:39 am #

    Although I can’t relate to the gender disappointment (because I wanted boys and don’t have a real desire to have a girl), I can definitely relate to the rest of this post! After writing my post this week about having 2 boys, I have been noticing more and more all of the great Mother’s out there. I am so delighted that I’m not the only one to realize what a great privileged it is to have boys, and also, the obligation that comes with it. The world really is in desperate need of great men that do great things. And by great things I don’t mean discover something or invent something. I mean the simple things. Like treat their wife kindly and with respect. Show appreciation for those around them. Have a charitable heart… those kinds of things. Okay now I’m babbling. Ha ha. Thanks for being an inspiration :)
    Mandy@ asortafairytale recently posted..week in iphone pics w.23My Profile

  7. Krystle February 5, 2012 at 2:11 am #

    Yes, a bit. With our first, I felt the same as you. I wanted a boy..but I assumed we’d have a girl first. I really only mourned the cute clothes I wouldn’t be using haha.
    THEN we were having twins and I was sure, there would be one girl in there!
    But alas…two boys :) I was so excited.
    My OB asked if I was depressed. Um..no.
    I was elated. I was amazed…never did I think I’d be that Mom…the one with 3 boys
    And yet, here I am. Totally and completely complete :)
    Krystle recently posted..Guest Blogger and Giveaway!My Profile

  8. Queenie February 5, 2012 at 5:21 am #

    Parenthood is a tremendous responsibility, regardless of the family make up. I think feeling disappointed over the sex of a baby is extremely normal, and not at all something to be ashamed of. We begin every new journey in life with some sort of expectation, whether we realize it or not. And parenthood is nothing different. The important thing is that you (general you) move past the disappointment and see the beauty in what you’ve been given. Boy or Girl, they are all precious children of God, entrusted into our care. I never ever imagined myself as the mother of four children, let alone all one sex. But now I can’t imagine life any other way. :)
    Queenie recently posted..Every Child Deserves Celebration, Not Just The FirstMy Profile

  9. Life As Wife February 5, 2012 at 9:54 am #

    I kept saying I didn’t care ether way. Then? Ifht before we entered te sonogram room I started crying. My husband was terrified thinking something was wrong. My problem? I realized I wanted a boy SO badly!

    My little man? The biggest blessing ever.
    Life As Wife recently posted..How Motherhood Helped Me Get My Swag BackMy Profile

  10. Jessica February 5, 2012 at 12:00 pm #

    With my first, I really, really wanted a girl, and I got a girl. But with my second, I was open to having a boy or a girl. Since we already had a girl, however, I was kind of secretly hoping for a boy, just because I thought it would make things more interesting. But, as you know, I got a girl. And, I couldn’t be more happier. I know that these things are planned for by God, so I’ve learned to trust His plan. With my next, I think it would be cool if we got a boy, but if not, again, we’ll adjust and learn to not see our reality as being anything but the best one that we could have been given.
    Jessica recently posted..52|5: No bon bons for this stay at home momMy Profile

    • Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos February 6, 2012 at 11:20 pm #

      yeah, same! i thought it would be fun if our second was a girl too, but i had a hunch he was a he. that excited me and so when we found out i was glad. i think i still had that fraction of disappointment, but it wasn’t deep at all. i was so excited to have brothers. but yes, i think with #3 it might be harder again. we shall see… i’m just so grateful to have kids at all. what a blessing.
      Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos recently posted..don’t carpe diem | do you? or don’t you?My Profile

  11. Pez February 5, 2012 at 12:29 pm #

    This is why I don’t like finding out what the sex is before you have bubs…While obviously this is your own decision, I believe pregnancy is often not a time when you are thinking’clearly’ and hormones are raging…so finding out then allows you to feel all sorts of things that you may or may not really feel. On the day you meet them however – there’s no chance for disappointment! You are so excited to meet bubs that the sex doesn’t even factor in! I’ve met alot of people who are disappointed when they find out during pregnancy but no one who waits till the day!
    Pez recently posted..For the grandma’s…My Profile

  12. Rachel February 5, 2012 at 8:56 pm #

    Obviously this rings true with a lot more people than I ever thought it would! So much so that I’ve never told anyone before (outside of Jason) and I so DESPERATELY wanted a little boy that I didn’t know what I would do if it had been a girl. There were multiple reasons that I choose not to have a scan while pregnant and I felt terribly guilty the whole time that one of the reasons was I didn’t actually want to know if I was having a girl. If it was going to be a girl, I wanted to see her and fall in love with her instantly. I grew up with 4 sisters and always felt more or less forced to be the girliest girl ever (probably it worked) but I wanted adventure! Dirt! Camping! Rambunctiousness (I’m aware that that is possibly not a word but spell check didn’t pick it up). I was so absolutely positive that God was going to give us a girl just to teach me (lovingly) a few things that I actually went into a real state of shock when I saw that penis! I know that I would have loved a little girl just as much but I am truly grateful for my little boy. I want lots of little boys! But I also do want a little girl too. I LOVE being a boy mum! But more than anything, I love being a Mum.
    By the way, thanks for the shout out!
    Rachel recently posted..rise above itMy Profile

  13. casey February 6, 2012 at 5:05 am #

    My hubby was bummed when he found out we were having a girl and he too was surprised that he was bummed because he didn’t think he cared either. I was happy because I kinda figured we would have a girl and even now like you I would be happy to have another girl so that D could have a sister. I know it has been really tough for some of my friends who are done having kiddos and they have 3 girls or 3 boys…they always have an ache for the girl they will never have or the boy. yah know. So, we shall see if that is me someday or not. lol. Beautiful post friend!
    casey recently posted..22 Months OldMy Profile

    • Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos February 6, 2012 at 11:24 pm #

      yeah, it’s really hard to presume how we will feel during the “next” pregnancy… and that assumes we are blessed with the “next” one as well!

  14. julie February 6, 2012 at 7:24 am #

    I always wanted aboy first, because I always wished I had had a big brother. But after being raised with a sister, I admit I was a little scared to have a boy. What do you even do with them? Would they want to sit and cuddle and read books? (Yes to cuddling, no to reading, at least when they were little) Would they think I was boring? I don’t like cars or trucks and I throw like a girl!

    Boy number one was followed by boys number two through six. When we went for our ultrasound for baby number seven, I was just sure it would be a boy. But it was a girl . . . what would I do with a girl?! I admit I was more frightened of mothering a girl than I had ever been of mothering boys. She’s so different from me. If I had had her first, I’m afraid I would have spent way too much time trying to make her into the girl I expected (one like me) instead of the girl I was blessed with. Funny how things turn out.

    A wonderful post, Adriel. I really enjoy your blog!

    • Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos February 6, 2012 at 11:27 pm #

      Wow Julie – six boys and a girl! Must be a circus around there! A really fun, beautiful circus! :) You are well and truly a boy mom expert I’d say, and how cool that by the time your daughter came you knew how to be a great girl-mom too (accepting her for who she is).

      And, just for the record, my two year old is obsessed with books and always has been. He plays with books even more than toys, or at least just as much! ha! My rambunctious little megablock-knocking, train-ramming, book lover! ;)
      Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos recently posted..the perfect mom? | my practices of parenting (and how my values shape them)My Profile

  15. julie February 7, 2012 at 1:00 am #

    It’s even more of a circus than you might imagine. The first seven fit in with your topic, but we actually have 11 – nine sons and two daughters. :)

    Several of my too-busy-to-sit-still children are now book lovers, including my older daughter. My youngest, who is ten months old today, loves books, too. There’s not much better than crinkly, yummy paper. I’m hoping he’ll one day love what’s ON the pages, too.

  16. charissa February 7, 2012 at 8:16 am #

    I am constantly amazed at how you can put to words such delicate topics in such an elegant and meaningful way. Thank you for that.

    My little loved one is 7 months old and I am loving him so much. I really enjoy him being a boy. He’s just learning to lean in for a kiss and oh my goodness does it melt my heart like no other! That being said, I really wanted my first to be a girl. When I found out I was pregnant, my dreams were filled with frilly, lacy, flowery, pink and purple outfits! When I found out it was a boy I was so sad and immediately felt guilty and ashamed. Would I be able to love a boy the same? I totally hid it from everyone (sometimes flat out lying which brought on more guilt!). Oh why do we do this to ourselves. Then, when a friend of mine found out she was having a boy and expressed the same feelings as me, it was floodgate that opened in my heart. I was able to see that grieving this is okay, and it allows me to open my heart up to be filled with love for the boy that would soon be in my arms! :)

    God is good. He filled this mama’s heart with so much love that somedays I don’t know how I can possibly contain the love I have for my son.
    charissa recently posted..Catch Up Part 3My Profile

    • Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos February 7, 2012 at 1:38 pm #

      Beautiful Charissa. I love this: “I was able to see that grieving this is okay, and it allows me to open my heart up to be filled with love for the boy that would soon be in my arms!” So wise and insightful.

      And yes, topics like these can be sensitive and embarrassing, but they are so normal and need to be talked about so mommies aren’t buried in guilt! And like you said, so that we can be free to just love our kiddos like they deserve!

      Thanks for sharing. x
      Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos recently posted..the perfect mom? | my practices of parenting (and how my values shape them)My Profile

  17. alison February 11, 2012 at 11:55 pm #

    my husband is the “last male” to carry on his family name so when our first baby turned out to be a girl, i think i was the only one excited!! (although secretly…lol). our 2nd is a boy so everyone was happy then. with our 3rd baby, we didn’t find out until delivery if we were having a boy or a girl (which was SO much fun!). i was convinced it was a boy. in fact, i was sort of hoping for another boy since all the cousins born right at that time were all boys and i was really hoping to take the pressure off of MY son later on in life to have sons to carry on the family name. when my ava girl arrived, i wasn’t so much disappointed…but i was definitely shocked because i’d just convinced myself she was a boy!!
    alison recently posted..bedtime {prayers}My Profile

  18. Courtney Kirkland February 12, 2012 at 1:12 pm #

    I admit…I really do want a little girl when we have a second child. We both wanted a son first and when we found out that Noah was, in fact, a boy I was over the moon. I think that gender preference is really more common than people care to let on. It’s that whole “you should be happy with a baby, no matter the sex” stigma that makes people feel guilty for wanting a boy or a girl. I WILL be happy with either a boy or a girl when the time comes to have baby #2…but I’d be lying if I said that I would choose to have a girl over a boy next time. But that doesn’t mean that I won’t love either gender any more or less.
    Courtney Kirkland recently posted..January’s Custom WordPress DesignsMy Profile

    • Adriel Booker September 15, 2012 at 12:28 pm #

      Just came to this post to respond to a new comment I got here and noticed a few comments I never responded to including yours. And now… look how far you’ve come! Pregnant with your second child – it’s so wonderful. You are going to love being the mom of brothers. :)
      Adriel Booker recently posted..bokoro’s story | giving birth in the mudMy Profile

  19. Ann August 10, 2012 at 9:58 am #

    I’ll admit with my first pregnancy i was expecting a girl. My grandmother gave birth to two girls and a boy, my mother has two girls, and my aunt has three girls, so i just assumed I’d follow suit. When I heard “It’s a boy” I couldn’t hide the shock, but once it sunk in I loved the idea of having a boy. Now I couldn’t see my life without him, and fell in love with him instantly after i saw him. I’m currently on my second pregnancy and would love to have a baby girl, but if I was blessed with another boy i would still be excited. Babies are a gift from god and are meant to be treasured.

  20. Ann August 10, 2012 at 10:00 am #

    I’ll admit with my first pregnancy i thought I was expecting a girl. My grandmother gave birth to two girls and a boy, my mother has two girls, and my aunt has three girls, so i just assumed I’d follow suit. When I heard “It’s a boy” I couldn’t hide the shock, but once it sunk in I loved the idea of having a boy. Now I couldn’t see my life without him, and fell in love with him instantly after i saw him. I’m currently on my second pregnancy and would love to have a baby girl, but if I was blessed with another boy i would still be excited. Babies are a gift from god and are meant to be treasured.

  21. J Ramsey August 21, 2012 at 6:54 am #

    i had never encountered this before and, to be honest, i judged other women who would be disappointed because they were having one or the other (usually a boy). it made me angry. didn’t they appreciate what they had?!? boys are awesome! my tune changed recently. i am expecting baby number 6. i have four boys and one little girl in the middle of them. i thought for SURE this baby was a girl. i had pulled out the clothes from my daughter and started sorting through them. i just KNEW that another girl would complete our family just perfectly. when the ultrasound tech was doing our ultrasound i could tell before she even said anything. since that time i have had a lot of ups and downs. it’s not that i don’t love the baby, it’s just not what i had felt was supposed to happen. i thought to myself, “i have enough boys!” it has been a lot of ups and downs and endless guilt over my feelings but i am so thankful for other moms out there who have been there too. i know that i will love this little man more than i can even imagine but it is still hard to let go of that dream of the little girl i had pictured.

    • Adriel Booker September 15, 2012 at 12:36 pm #

      Yes, of course you will be totally smitten with your little man. Like you, I used to think it quite selfish when people were disappointed with baby’s gender. I suppose I just didn’t have enough empathy then. We can’t deny our emotional responses (they just come!!) but we can choose what to then do with them and how to respond to them. (And by no means should we allow those feelings to be projected onto our children. Of course.) Motherhood brings with it enough potential for guilt – unfortunately pregnancy isn’t exempt. Our feelings are what they are, but let’s not let guilt beat us up in the process!! Glad you’ve found support from other moms – you certainly aren’t alone. HUGS. Congrats on your sixth. Wow, that is just wonderful. x
      Adriel Booker recently posted..bokoro’s story | giving birth in the mudMy Profile

  22. Megan October 25, 2012 at 1:05 pm #

    I am crying reading these posts. Pregnancy hormones, hello! We didn’t find out the sex of our first son until birth. I was so happy to have a boy. For my entire life, I had imagined having a boy first, and then a girl. I had 2 miscarriages before my next child was born. I wasn’t able to find out the sex of those 2 little ones. I will always wonder about that…. Then I got pregnant again and was worried that I’d be disappointed if we waited until the birth to find out. I really thought that I was having a girl. I felt different; it was just a different pregnancy. I was shocked during the ultrasound when the technician said we were having a boy. I held it together and smiled. Later that day and for the next few days, I cried a LOT. And of course, I felt terribly guilty about my crying, and didn’t even tell my husband about it. We were finally lucky enough to have another healthy baby, so who cares about the gender? Well I did. I was never close with my mother. I have always dreamed of having a daughter who I could love and be close to, and grow to be friends with later on. I felt like that dream was ripped away from me. We always thought we would only have 2 kids…. but after meeting my 2nd son, and falling in love with him, we have decided to go for #3. I have decided to wait until the birth to find out, just because I want that amazing surprise one more time, and I want to prepare myself as much as possible for a life with 3 boys… but I don’t want 20 weeks of knowing that I’m having another boy without being able to hold him. I think it will be better in the long run for me to wait. My motto is, if I am given 3 boys to love and care for, there has got to be a reason for it, and I am meant to be a mom to only boys! One day the reason will be shown to me!

    • Adriel Booker November 4, 2012 at 4:31 pm #

      First of all, congrats on your second baby boy Megan – I’m so glad you have two healthy little ones!!

      It’s so sad that we sometimes feel we have to hide this stuff – yes, we don’t want our KIDS thinking we were disappointed with them, but we should be able to at least process with our partners!! I’m glad I found out with both because by the time they were born I SO didn’t care what gender they were. With Levi, I needed that time to process, with Judah (my 2nd) I didn’t.

      Not sure about #3 for us – if we’ll find out or not. Love the idea of having a surprise… but I’m a planner by nature so will probably want to know. LOL.

      Anyway, thanks for your honesty and comment. I’m so happy for you, and glad for a great boy mom out there, cuz it really is true – the world needs more good men!!!
      Adriel Booker recently posted..De-clutter your entire house by Christmas in 50 little steps, just a few minutes a day.My Profile

      • Megan November 5, 2012 at 10:02 am #

        Thank you for your response. I am lucky to be the mom of my 2 awesome boys! I had to reply after you did because my youngest is Levi Jude and my oldest is Jonah. So funny! I love Judah as well :)

  23. Anna November 27, 2012 at 11:06 pm #

    I really needed this today. I have three boys and I am pregant with baby number 4. To be honest I have no idea if number 4 is a boy or not… I just have a feeling it is. My heart aches for a little girl. I love my boys but I want a daughter to call my own. Finding out #2 was a boy was not so bad… #3 was much worse… And now I am worried about #4. Don’t get me wrong I am excited about having another baby and I know we are blessed to have so many kids. But I long for that baby girl and wonder why she has not come yet. What is wrong with me that I can’t be blessed with a girl? I think about questions like that and all these feelings of guilt make gender disappointment worse because I know I am really blessed. then I get told things like “well there must be a reason you are a mother to boys. God knows why.” Stuff like that breaks my heart because again it makes me think there is somthing wrong with me that God wouldn’t give us a girl. My heart is aching but your artical made me feel better. Thank you. I love my boys and if #4 is a boy I will love him too. My heart just longs for that pink blanket to wrap around my own baby girl.

    • Adriel Booker November 29, 2012 at 7:39 pm #

      oh dear anna, thank you for your honesty. i understand that hope deferred makes the heart grow sick. of course you will love your child either way, but please don’t think there’s something wrong with you because you have a preference. that’s so normal. AND there’s nothing wrong with you because you don’t have a girl yet. God’s not into rewards and with holding that like. he’s just not. there are surely many mysteries of him that we cannot understand, but i’m positive he doesn’t taunt and trick us with a dangling carrot stick just out of reach.

      big hugs to you as you wait. i hope you get your pink blanket! but if not, i have no doubt you’ll love that little one just as much. xx

  24. Jenny December 16, 2012 at 8:46 pm #

    I googled “gender disappointmet boy” and found this blog. I am seven months pregnant with boy no three and I think I will never get ober having three boys. I feel no joy at all for the new baby. Until week 18 I visited sbortion clinics several times but couldn’t go through with it. I feel so ungrateful and I don’ t deserve to have kids at all. But as the only woman in the family, I feel terribly lonely. I have serious suicidal thoughts about this but I can’t get any help for this. I feel like my life is over. I wake up every day facing loneliness and I don’t think I will be able to love my third son. He was supposed to be a girl but instead, he will make me look like a freak mom. Failed three times in a row. I am goong to ask to be sedated/sleeping during the scheduled c-section so I won’t have to see him being born. It’s terrinle to feel this way and I know it’ s so wromg and twisted. But I never wanted three boys and I can’t cope.

    • Adriel Booker January 3, 2013 at 2:15 pm #

      Oh dear, Jenny. I’m so sorry that I’m not meeting you in person. How I would love to sit down with you and share a cup of coffee and talk about these issues face-to-face.

      You certainly haven’t failed as a mom by conceiving boys!

      Do you have someone there with whom you can speak to face-to-face about these issues? If you email me your city perhaps I can help find you someone to connect with in person. I can’t make any promises, but I sure would like to help if I’m able.

      Thanks for reaching out here. Please know that I am praying for you and have been since the first day I read this comment!

      Adriel xx
      Adriel Booker recently posted..Because He never stops giving. Ever.My Profile

    • Jessica July 6, 2014 at 9:25 pm #

      Omg I so feel your pain, I’m pregnant with baby #6 I already have 5 Boys and though I don’t know the sex of this one be ause it’s too early I’m convinced 110% it’s another boy and I’m devastated I feel like I wa t to end this pregnancy because I’m sure it’s a boy and I don’t want another boy :( I don’t want to buy boy things I don’t want anymore boy stuff I don’t want to hear people say “omg another boy” or “awwww it’s ok you can always try again” what BS, I feel so guilty I know it’s wrong to feel like this and God forgive me but I can’t help it. I first thought of not finding out the sex until birth but I know I’ll get my hopes up for a girl and my heart will break when Doc says boy again :(

  25. Jane January 27, 2013 at 9:58 pm #

    I too am having my third boy and I do feel very disappointed at times. I know it sounds selfish and childish but I have given so much to my boys but they take all of my energy and I’m so tired. I will love this little boy with all of my heart and when he is born I will probably not think about gender disappointment at all, but I really wanted to experience having a daughter too. It’s hard knowing that this will never happen. The biggest thing in my life is the uncaring and thoughtless comments by almost everyone I know. They are not excited I’m having a baby at all, they are just expecting me to have a girl… Because its so easy to pre order one right? I’ve had it with their silly comments and dumb ideas that if its another boy well then I need to try again, or I have failed somehow. I wish I had a really good one liner to put people in their place and I wish it didn’t get to me so much :(

    • Adriel Booker February 2, 2013 at 10:58 pm #

      Oh Jane, I’m sorry that you are feeling so discouraged. Yes, we all know the right answers (and like you said, when your little one is born you WILL love him to pieces and wouldn’t ever want to replace him), but it makes me sad that people say careless things that have hurt you when you’re already dealing with all of these big emotions. I imagine it’s more grieving the loss of something you won’t have (a daughter) than it is the fact that your little one is a boy. Grief is a process and it can take time to work through – but you will get there! AND that doesn’t have to affect your love and affection for your little dude one bit! Two very different issues inside one mama’s very big heart!! Be encouraged today, Jane! xx
      Adriel Booker recently posted..I’ve loved him for three years. But really, I’ve loved him always.My Profile

    • 4 boys & 1 in utero July 13, 2013 at 11:10 am #

      Jane, I hope you get this comment as I’m curious to know how things are for you and your family -but mainly you. I did a search on this subject as I’m becoming more despondent daily about my future without a daughter. My husband had three boys from a previous marriage and I have one son as well. I was convinced this pregnancy, our first (and likely only: I’m 41 and my husband would like to be done with children after this one) was a girl. We were both ready for a girl. I wanted another child so badly and my husband accommodated me (although he’s happy for this child of ours and so supportive of me); what I didn’t realize was how badly I wanted a daughter. And foolishly how fed up I am becoming of all things boy:the trucks, the sports, even the wrestling. I am so “yearnful” of pink, barbies, and dolls…. makeup and dresses and life lesson talks that I can relate to. This is going on so long… bare with me here. I’m so proud of my son and who he’s become and of the relationship that we have; yet so guilt ridden over the tone that these feelings are taking away from him. (He’s with me summers because he’s 15 and its dad-time for him at this age.) I’m also feeling guilty about the time and compassion that I’m not giving our other 3 who we have the majority of the time. There’s more but just getting this out into the world will gleefully make me feel better somehow and less guilt-ridden. Believe me, I understand what a blessing this little boy is and love him already. .. but this is my last hope for a daughter and I’m having a really hard time coping with that thought. Help?

      • Adriel July 15, 2013 at 3:16 pm #

        I’m sorry this has been so hard for you. I know that sometimes there are just no words that will bring the sort of comfort you need. I won’t try and say the “right” thing. I hope that at least during this time you can give yourself the time and space to grieve the “loss” of the dream of having a little girl – there is a legitimate grieving process there. Give yourself permission to feel it and walk into it. Remember that you are also pregnant and full of lovely hormones and give yourself extra grace during this time. Being hard on yourself for struggling will only make it worse. Sending virtual hugs today and praying for you to find peace.
        love, adriel
        Adriel recently posted..Grace like Scarlett My Profile

      • Jane July 19, 2013 at 10:05 am #

        Thanks so much, I’m doing ok thanks and how are you going? I completely understand your feelings and they are very real and very raw sometimes. I think it is important for us to let ourselves feel what we feel. Trying to supress these feelings and emotions will make us only feel worse and it’s ok to feel a sense of disappointment and loss at the thought of not having a daughter, we are human and we are allowed to feel this way. I posted a very long response down the bottom of this page too, reflecting on my life with 3 boys, one being my very newest edition. I really just wanted to offer my support and to let you know that it is ok to feel what you feel, I totally understand. I know we can’t change things, I just hope and pray for peace and acceptance for both of us. You are a fantastic mum to your boys and they love you for who you are. Much love to you xx

  26. Rika Roman February 24, 2013 at 1:36 pm #

    We just turned 6 months yesterday and so off we went to find out the gender. Im a mom to a beautiful sweet little boy, my three year old Keiran. Ever since he learned he’s going to be a big brother soon, he’s been referring to my bump as “baby girl”. He’s so affectionately sweet, thoughtful and protective of the bump he he fondly refers to as baby girl. He kisses, sings, talks to and hugs it every single day and night, and yes he refuses to refer to it as a baby boy. There was no way we could convince him. Every time he sees girly stuff he’ll pick it up and “show” it to my tummy and say “this is for baby girl”, really sweet. And since my cravings, pregnancy hormones and other stuff are very different from when i had Keiran, we were convinced and assumed it’s a girl indeed (didn’t even bother thinking of a boy’s name). With Keiran, I had terrible pimples and all sorts that I don’t normally have when I’m not pregnant and I had that pregmancy glow all throughout. With this 2nd baby, I had no pimples or any weird stuff so I assumed it’s a firl coz my our hormones seem to agree. Alas! Yesterday, the sonologist revealed that it’s another boy. There was deafening silence in the room, no cheers nor smiles, and our little Keiran just suddenly lost excitement, so did hubby and me. Next thing I know as we went out, I couldn’t stop the tears and emotional turmoil. We tried to brush it off since im now safe finally from placenta previa and just tried to entertain ourselves. Tried going into baby shops to distract myself into buying new baby stuff, didn’t work, I just ended up throwing a tantrum (i know, im guilty). So then we tried going to a toy shop where the nightmare started to sink in. Keiran hurried to the pink area, took a Hello Kitty toy and ran to me beaming and thrilled to show the toy to my bump “baby girl this is for you”. Yes, that was my breaking point. I just melted into tears amidst the store and excited kids everywhere. Even after painstakingly convincing Keiran that he’s gonna have a brother and not a sister, he still can’t accept it. How can I go through everyday with his routines of what he does for what he thinks his sib would be? I apologize for the meltdown, but it’s still so fresh and I can’t handle it. My fear in first thing was breaking Keiran’s heart and expectations, but it seems like all three of us are broken hearted over this.

    • 4 boys & 1 in utero July 13, 2013 at 11:15 am #

      Thanks for sharing your story. It’s reassuring for me to hear I’m not alone in my guilty-feelings and ultimately what I can finally admit to myself is despair. I too, was just cleared of complete previa which has migrated. :)

    • Adriel July 15, 2013 at 4:06 pm #

      Hi Rika. I was just reading through some of the comments on this post and read yours all over again. I apologize I hadn’t written back sooner – somehow I missed it. I wonder how you’re doing now and how Keiran has adjusted? Grace to you, sweet mama.
      Adriel recently posted..Grace like Scarlett My Profile

  27. jane March 10, 2013 at 8:03 am #

    I m mum to two boys and then I had a daughter. I myself am the oldest of 5 I have four younger brothers. When my youngest brother was born I was so disappointed. I wanted a sister . It never really bothered me as I got older but now in my 30 s I wish I had a sister. I m having a fourth child which we had nt planned so j convinced myself it was a girl. Scan revealed it was a boy. I was so upset. Not for me but for my daughter. Like me she will never have a sister. I can t stop thinking about it and feeling sad. It s driving me crazy. I love my brothers and they re great but its not the same. Not the same’chats’ etc.

    • Adriel July 15, 2013 at 4:08 pm #

      Hi Jane. I always envied my girlfriends that had sisters. Like you, I really wanted one too.

      I’m sorry for your disappointment when you found out about baby #4. As you can see, those feelings aren’t uncommon. I hope you and baby are doing well now. Grace to you Jane!!
      Adriel recently posted..Dear Cairo, how I have loved you. (Writing to remember.)My Profile

  28. Dianne March 29, 2013 at 9:35 pm #

    I just wanted to say what kind-hearted and genuinely thoughtful replies you give Adriel. I came upon this as I am struggling with the same sort of feelings and find it helps reading through other people’s experiences. You are such a good embodiment of Christianity, being so caring and unjudgemental.

    • Adriel July 15, 2013 at 4:09 pm #

      Thanks Dianne. Have you had your baby now? Blessings to both of you. x
      Adriel recently posted..Ladies, I’m reclaiming naptime. Will you join me? My Profile

      • Dianne July 17, 2013 at 11:45 am #

        Hi,
        How lovely of you to check back in. Our wee man is due in 6 weeks. Really looking forward to it and have picked out a name we love-Gus.
        Hope you and your family are well.
        Love Diannexx

  29. tricia July 14, 2013 at 12:15 am #

    hi, i had 3 boys first and although on each of them i had hoped for a girl i wasnt really disappointed when i found out they were boys. We were sure we were done and then had a surprise pregnancy which i assumed was another boy. We were amazed to find out it was a girl. Then we had another and it was a boy and I was delighted. During this pregnancy we decided that we should give our fertility to God and let him decide how many he would like us to have. I am now pregnant with my 6th and have just found out a couple of weeks ago that it is another boy. I am so so upset and cant stop crying etc. which makes me feel like the worst mother in the world, this little man deserves so much better. How can i say i have surrendered my life to God and what he wills for me and yet get so upset because i didnt get what i wanted? I feel like a fraud and i just dont know what to do to make it go away. I keep praying about it but nothing has changed as of yet. I feel that it is sinful for me not to be content in the circumstances my Lord and Saviour has placed me in and yet although my head has all the answers my heart still aches. I wonder why i never felt like this before. Why now?

    • 4 boys & 1 in utero July 15, 2013 at 12:42 pm #

      Tricia~Thank you for sharing. Although I can’t help to give you any answers, wisdom, or advice I want you to know that I appreciate your courage and honesty as I have been feeling so guilty as well. I’ll send prayers for you to find peace just as I hope and pray for myself.

    • Adriel July 15, 2013 at 4:20 pm #

      Hi Tricia. Thanks for sharing your struggle here. I can’t give you a “solution” or the “right” answer, but I think God works in layers. Your disappointment doesn’t mean your life wasn’t genuinely surrendered before… but there’s a new level, you know? It’s a new day, a new opportunity.

      I think it’s important that you don’t just wish your feelings away (or deny them), but that you face them and embrace whatever grieving process comes in that letting go process. You’re letting go of the idea of having another girl, and of what life “would have” looked like. Don’t beat yourself up – God doesn’t. Grace is his specialty and he is willing to walk us through all of those difficult twists on our journey. We need to give ourselves grace too.

      You’re a wonderful mom and so loving and accepting your kids won’t be the issue for you. Your stumbling block may have more to do with your own heart and reactions and expectations, but God is gracious to help us in that sanctification process as he allows us to be challenged and gives us the opportunities to grow and mature and be refined. You are not a fraud, you are being stretched and confronted and challenged… but that certainly doesn’t make you a fraud! Repent where there is conviction of course :) but RELAX where there is not. To struggle in and of itself is not to sin. Just keep your heart offered to the Lord and he will walk you through this hard time. Don’t beat yourself up, sister!

      I believe in you, girl! And I believe you’re the perfect mom for your kids!!! Praying for you today.

      love adriel x
      Adriel recently posted..Church on the beach and a (rewritten) Psalm for youMy Profile

  30. Jane July 19, 2013 at 9:52 am #

    Hi all, and thanks to 4 boys and 1 in utero for checking in on me a while ago. Sorry I have only just got the message, as life with a newborn is very hectic at the moment, especially since I have had an enormous gap between kids. My third son was born on the 20th June this year and I have to say that he is the most precious little one and I truly can’t imagine life without him. I had those awful feelings of gender disappointment, I longed for a baby girl so much that it hurt to see other women with their daughters, knowing that this will never be me. I have a number of health issues so I know that there will be no more kids, no attempt at trying for a girl, pregnancy is just too hard and too risky for me. As I sit here and write these words I feel a sense of peace and calm about it all though. I have had to put things into perspective as I suffered terribly with health problems during and after I had him and to be honest I am just so grateful that he is fine and healthy. The guilt I felt for feeling any sense of gender disappointment faded away when I nearly lost him after birth. He wasn’t breathing and I for a very real moment (or minutes) thought that his life was going to be taken from me. At that point I realised that I didn’t care whether it was a girl or boy, just that my baby who I had nurtured for 9 months was going to survive and thrive. Gender disappointment is something that is very hard to explain to women who have both genders and the guilt that I felt for even being disappointment was eating me up inside. Do we ever stop feeling guilty as mothers?? I brought my beautiful blue bundle of joy home from the hospital and felt only warmth and love and his little face just melts my heart. I can honestly say that life with him is so much richer and rewarding, he is my little miracle and he brings so much joy to our lives. I have thought very distantly about how nice it would be to have a daughter, but I have a real sense of peace about it all. Life is a blessing, each baby is unique and an absolute blessing and I am going to be the best mother to three boys that I can be. I want them to grow up and be strong, supportive men and to learn to treat people with respect. My role is huge but I feel blessed that I have the responsibility of raising my boys into respectful and kind -hearted men who will be father’s themselves one day. What would it be like with a girl… I’ll never know, but life with my boys is pretty amazing and awe inspiring and that is enough for me. I do hope that others can find peace and find an inner strength to accept the things we cannot change. Be proud of what we have and what we have achieved as beautiful strong women who have given life to amazing little human beings. Much love to you all xx

  31. tricia July 23, 2013 at 9:26 am #

    thank you for the kind comments. I have to say i truly believe that some of the emotions are caused by hormones, on the saturday that i shared my feelings i felt really low, i had a good night sleep that night and woke up the next morning feeling quite silly. I havent felt like that since, I just cant wait to meet this little man now, i had one little wobble when a friend of mine found out that her baby is a girl but in fairness she had been through alot ttc and im just delighted she has a healthy baby. My husband and i had a long talk and he feels that God does have another girl for us somewhere along the way. I think i mentioned before that we are quite young at 28 and 32 so hopefully that is true but if not i am sure my Lord and Saviour will help me to work through whatever feelings are thrown up. Thanks again guys.

  32. Mel August 4, 2013 at 12:07 pm #

    I have been CRUSHED for the last two days, crying uncontrollably. I have a boy and I’m pregnant with my second. I’ve always thought of myself as a boy mom, although a small part of me has wanted a girl at some point. But I really wanted #2 to be a boy for a few reasons — (1) so my son would have a close friend for life, and (2) so we would definitely try for baby #3. I have always wanted three kids, but I really only want, at the most, one girl.

    I’ve had a feeling this entire pregnancy that I was pregnant with a girl because I’m so much more tired this time around. We nearly opted to not find out the gender because I didn’t want to be disappointed for the rest of my pregnancy. Well yesterday we found out that we’re having a girl. I started sobbing in the ultrasound room, and I have been sobbing ever since, hardly able to eat and get out of bed.

    Of course this makes me feel like a terrible mother. I know God has the perfect plans for my life and for this little one. But I’m just not accepting her right now. There’s another piece to this whole story…..I have a very broken relationship with my mom that I have been trying to heal for years, but to no avail. I worry that the brokenness I have from that relationship will somehow be passed down to my relationship with my daughter. A part of me thought that maybe God would never give me daughters so this cycle wouldn’t continue itself. But now it’s obvious that He has different plans.

    I’m devastated to think that because we definitely don’t want two daughters that we won’t have baby #3. If I knew baby #3 was going to be a boy, I would be much happier now, knowing that I will have a daughter and that my son will have a brother.

    Thank you so much for creating this space for healing. I feel completely broken which makes me feel incredibly guilty. I have so many friends who are struggling to just get pregnant, and yet it comes easy for me but I’m unhappy with the results. Please pray that I will be washed over with God’s peace, that He will change my heart, and that I will be filled with His love and grace.

    • Adriel August 4, 2013 at 9:56 pm #

      oh mel, i’m sorry you are feeling so devastated. that doesn’t make you a terrible mother by any means. no labels!! but if you must, just call yourself a NORMAL mother! you are pumped full of crazy hormones right now and dealing with a lot of life change all within the space of a few years. grace, mama, grace. i suspect that as you give yourself the permission and space to grieve, you’ll go through lots of different emotions – like any grieving process. and the good news? that will eventually lead you to a place of peace. don’t beat yourself up. that’s just not going to get you anywhere. you’re in shock right now and it’s ok to cry and then cry about the crying ;) LOL.

      and here’s a faith statement that i believe with all my heart – you do not have to repeat the broken relationship cycle. NO. your relationship with your mom doesn’t need to have bearing on your relationship with your daughter. may she (your daughter) even be an instrument of healing and understanding in your life as you work through your own issues.

      hugs, mama. you’ve got this. xx
      Adriel recently posted..A mother’s confessional (This might get a little ugly.)My Profile

  33. Maria August 9, 2013 at 3:24 am #

    Just stumbled upon this blogpost, and tears are filling my eyes as I read through your post and all the comments. I’m having a sonogram next week, and I am so hoping for a little girl. But my biggest concern is that I will be dissapointed if it turns out that it’s a baby boy. My best friend is having her baby just a week before me, and she just found out it’s a girl. She and everyone else keep telling me that they think it’s a boy, and that only makes me even more worried. I am so concerned that I’ll be both dissapointed AND jealous of my friend. And my husband doesn’t understand, so I’m keeping all this to myself. Thank you for making me feel normal. This post helped more than you know. And all these comments actually got me thinking that having a baby boy wouldn’t be so bad after all…:)

    • Adriel August 18, 2013 at 8:54 pm #

      hi there sweet maria. i suppose you’ve found out your baby’s gender by now. i hope you are at peace. your anxiety (and potential disappointment) IS normal, but it’s so hard because this sort of thing is so taboo to talk about. i’m glad you could find some encouragement here. as you’ve seen, you are not alone! all the best for you in the latter half of your pregnancy. xx
      Adriel recently posted..Dear pregnant woman on the playground (With love from a baby-loss mom)My Profile

  34. Marya September 18, 2013 at 6:13 am #

    I realize this is an old post, and I’m in the USA so you are probably all sleeping now :) but I need a safe comfortable place to share my feelings. Websites here in the US are so judgmental!
    I was gonna do the “girl gender diet” that claims a 97% success starting in Oct & we were going to start TTC in Dec. Instead, we DTD once 4 days before I O’d & that’s all it took. Oops! I’m 39. My last pregnancy was an “Oops” also at the age of 37 when I had been told I was infertile. The 1st time we wanted a boy (no boys in my family) & were happy to get a boy. This time, however, he was not happy I got pregnant (for financial reasons) & we argued a lot about the pregnancy in the first few weeks, and also about how he didn’t want another boy he wanted a girl. So, he didn’t really want this pregnancy right now I thought the least I could do was tell him it’s a girl. It’s not. It’s another boy. I do CVS testing because of my age, and they found a Y chromosome. Baby is looking healthy so far.
    I feel like such a selfish ungrateful jerk because while so many women my age struggle to get pregnant & have to undergo so much medical intervention, here I am getting pregnant w/o even trying AND having healthy pregnancies! Yet, I want a girl! We talked about only wanting 2 kids & after Baby #2 I was gonna get my tubes tied. But now he says “well maybe you don’t want to get your tubes tied & keep the option open to try for a girl”? I don’t know, a 3rd baby would mean I’d be TTC at 41. Less likely, and more risky. 1 minute I’m excited to think about dressing the 2 boys in matching outfits & the next minute I’m crying again thinking about how I’ll never be the MOB & watch my daughter try on wedding dresses or go get mani/pedis together. I’m a perfectionist & that’s my “perfect life”. I’m hoping one of two things will happen either:
    A) I’ll accept the fact I only get 2 kids & they are both boys & learn to live with it or
    B) I’ll warm up to the idea of wanting 3 children & decide to try that ‘girl diet’ and plan it right next time!
    We’re announcing the pregnancy this week & I feel ashamed to tell people it’s another boy like I’m letting them down. Like the perfect family is 1 of each. It’s making me not want to announce the new baby. I’m hoping you can tell it’s going to get better. I really need a ray of hope :(

    • Adriel September 19, 2013 at 12:44 pm #

      Hi Marya. (Great name, btw!) I’m sorry you are feeling so badly about all of this. I think you are well and truly not alone when you say you feel like a “selfish ungrateful jerk” for experiencing the disappointment you have. Honestly, there’s just no magic formula to change things around for you, but if you’re willing, I do believe that your heart can change. You need to give yourself a little time to walk through the process of letting go of what you had imagined would be the “perfect life” and open your heart to a “perfection” that you may not have considered before. I think once those babies are in our arms it’s darn near impossible not to fall madly in love with them! Mother after mother from the beginning of time will attest to that! BUT it doesn’t mean there won’t be twinges of sadness when you’re reminded of those things you longed for (being mother of the bride etc) that will be unfulfilled. Really, it’s a grieving of sorts. And as for having more children or not… you don’t need to be certain of that just yet. You already have one growing baby to worry about for goodness sakes! I’m sorry things are a bit strained with your husband. Just remember that he’s going through his own grieving process as well. Sometimes grief is messy. (Always, in fact!) I hope you two can continue to talk openly and learn how to support each other better. Parenting is not for the faint of heart! But together we are so much stronger! Anyway dear mama, I’m praying for you today – peace and hope and joy. And yes, I can say with certainly that it will get better! (Perhaps even announcing your pregnancy will help bring the joy you hope for as others celebrate with congratulations?) And let me be the first: CONGRATULATIONS for another beautiful boy!!!! I just love boys and think they are hilarious and amazing and fun. Oh, and one more thing to throw in there – before and during my pregnancies I thought much more about what I wanted in my children and less about what they might love. And you know what? Giving each of the gift of a brother to pal around with and bump heads with and grow up together with? Best. Gift. Ever. I always wanted a sister and never got one… my husband always wanted a brother and never got one… but we’ve been able to give that to our children and it’s SO precious and brings this mama (and their daddy) so much JOY!!! :)
      Adriel recently posted..Stories to tell: Life and loss, joy and mourning in Papua New GuineaMy Profile

  35. Marya September 20, 2013 at 6:04 am #

    Thank you SOOOO much Ariel for sharing that perspective! I never thought of it that way. I’ve been so caught up in thinking about what I wanted (a Mini-me) that I never thought about what my son might want (a playmate)! I always longed for a sister to play with growing up – and now I get to give that gift to my son – or better yet – to BOTH of my sons! Thanks again I’m truly glad I found you and your blog :)

  36. Marya September 20, 2013 at 6:05 am #

    Whoops sorry about the typo on your name (which is a really cool name btw)

  37. Trista December 18, 2013 at 4:08 am #

    I just found your blog and I LOVE everything about it! I am winding down my first trimester with my first baby and reading your stories gets me so excited to experience this amazing miracle. My husband had a daughter, who is almost 4, from a previous relationship. We have her full time and I have been in her life since she was 9 months old. She even calls me mom. I have been so dead set on our new addition to be a boy since we have a girl in the house and well, she is quite dramatic (about EVERYTHING)!! Lately, I seem to have major mixed emotions about it. Some days I feel like I would be content with either and some days I want a girl more than anything to have a “mini-me”. Even though we already have a girl, she isn’t “mine”. She doesn’t have any of my features, my characteristics, etc. I am excited about every bit of this pregnancy regardless and I really hope to go into my ultrasound with an open mind and to try to not be dissapointed if it is not the results I was hoping for. That just means we can always try again, right? :)
    Thank you so much for your wonderful posts!
    Trista recently posted..Creating Christmas Magic Through Simple Family TraditionsMy Profile

    • Adriel December 18, 2013 at 10:14 pm #

      you’re welcome trista. i think it’s important to remember that our desires are very real… and yet very amplified due to crazy levels of hormones as well! ;) i hope you will have peace as you find out baby’s gender. and congrats on your pregnancy. it really is wonderful. xx
      Adriel recently posted..Are You a Leader or a Manager? | How Leadership Changes Our ParentingMy Profile

  38. C December 18, 2013 at 4:26 am #

    I have two boys now, the youngest is almost 2. The first was a surprise and the second we found out after the ultra sound. I couldn’t help but be disappointed when I found out the first was a boy at birth and had to do the fake smile “I’m so happy” face. It felt horrible. But I thought it wouldn’t be so bad because the second would be a girl! I cried for days and months secretly to myself after I found out about the second boy. Of course I love my boys and I always will. My husband does not want anymore children because he is happy with his boys and resents me for feeling this way. I feel like I have a huge hole in my heart and it aches. All of my friends have girls and to top it off my sister just had her second little girl the other day. Might as well have put I knife through my heart. Happy for her but it just doesn’t seem fair. I have no one to talk to. Not a friend, not my husband, not my mother or sister. It’s just me with these guilty tears. I can not afford a therapist. Please tell me there is someone out there in the same boat?….
    Love how other moms (with girls) tell me to just get over it and be happy I was able to have children at all. They don’t understand.

    • Kristi December 19, 2013 at 3:00 pm #

      C, I can relate. I have two living children, a daughter and a son. Between them, I lost three babies. The first baby we lost, at 18 weeks, was a girl, our daughter Naomi, and she would have been just eighteen months younger than our first-born daughter if she had lived. I mourned not only losing her, but also losing the experience of raising two close-in-age daughters. When I got pregnant for the fifth time and found out we were having a boy, I really struggled. I didn’t want to replace Naomi, but I suddenly realized how much I had been counting on having another daughter. My son is now 20 months old, and of course I adore him and wouldn’t trade him for anything. But I would still like another daughter. I recently shared some things I have been learning about raising my son on The MOB Society (http://www.themobsociety.com/2013/11/20/how-do-i-raise-a-son/). Maybe it will encourage you?

    • Adriel Booker December 23, 2013 at 2:48 pm #

      Hi C. I think this is so tough, and you certainly need to find safe places to process all of your emotions surrounding this issue. I posted your comment on facebook and there were several women wanting to respond. You can read them here: https://www.facebook.com/AdrielBooker/posts/565094233579014

      Also, have you googled a mothers help line? Surely there would be some 1-800 numbers that you can call and speak to someone personally. Even a post partum blues helpline might be good as I’m sure they wold have experience talking through this sort of thing.
      Adriel Booker recently posted..Are You a Leader or a Manager? | How Leadership Changes Our ParentingMy Profile

  39. Rochelle December 22, 2013 at 7:26 am #

    Thank you for this. I mean, THANK YOU. That is all. Will write more later. Xo

    • Rochelle December 22, 2013 at 4:34 pm #

      Continuation of my prior comment: Hello again! I am so so happy I stumbled upon your blog and even happier that you posted your experience. Tears were seriously pouring down my face while I read your words because it just felt that you were describing my story. I’m 21 weeks pregnant today… My husband and I, too, had chosen a girl’s name long before we were married…not sure why we envisioned having a baby girl first, but we just did. Something in my gut told me I was having a boy before we found out, but I kept secretly telling myself, “There’s still a chance!” Why the heck would I do that?! So anyway, of course, when the ultrasound technician told us we were having a boy, I mustered up as much excitement as I could and half-smiled while I tightly clenched my jaw and hubby squeezed my hand hard because he absolutely knew what I was feeling. We left with me in a daze, but as soon as the door to our doctor’s office closed behind us, I completely fell apart. It scared me. It was this overwhelming sense of grief and sadness and disappointment mixed with happy. So bizarro. I was beyond surprised with my reaction… My husband kept saying, “Please please don’t cry! I’m so happy! We’re going to have a beautiful baby boy!!” And I kept sobbing and sobbing uncontrollably “I know…I know…I don’t know why I’m so sad!”. And then the guilt, oh the guilt. Guilt of having failed that poor little baby boy bouncing around in my tummy before I even had a chance to show him that I could maybe be a mommy deserving of his love. Sigh. I just found out about a week ago but am loving the idea of having a son more and more. And I know I’m going to love him until my heart bursts when he’s here… But it was just so nice of you to share your story because I experienced the same exact strange pain. So, thank you. Again. You’ve picked up another dedicated follower. :) Merry merry Christmas to you and your beautiful family!! Xoxo

      • Adriel Booker December 23, 2013 at 2:56 pm #

        Hi Rochelle. Thanks for taking the time to leave your story. I think as hard as the disappointment can sometimes be, you describe the disappointment that is even more acute: “And then the guilt, oh the guilt. Guilt of having failed that poor little baby boy bouncing around in my tummy before I even had a chance to show him that I could maybe be a mommy deserving of his love.” I hope you’re able to let go of that and show yourself grace. Being a mother of grace is the best gift you can ever give that little darling boy of yours. Our kids learn so much from the way we treat ourselves. I can tell, just by your note, that you WILL be a great mom to your baby. Many blessings for the rest of your pregnancy as you begin your motherhood journey. The best is yet to come!

        Merry Christmas to you, too. x
        Adriel Booker recently posted..Creating Christmas Magic Through Simple Family TraditionsMy Profile

  40. Sam March 24, 2014 at 6:23 pm #

    Thank you SO much for posting this (so glad I stumbled upon it!)

    I thought I was odd and selfish for really wanting a girl, especially when you hear other mums to be say “Aw I’m not too fussed on the sex, as long as they’re healthy”…. I feel like “why can’t I be like that?..” We’re about to find out in two days the “flavour”. My husband wants a boy, but I know he’s happy with either. I’ve thought since the start I have a boy growing in there but think i may be preparing myself so I’m not disappointed… I’d be able to say “Well, I knew that all along!”

    but thank you!! Now I know that if we find out we’re buying blue, and I get upset, I’m not alone and I’m not crazy…. :) I can’t even describe how much more relaxed I am now… thank you!

    (Still hoping for my girl though…) :D

  41. Apryl April 5, 2014 at 5:44 pm #

    I am 19 weeks pregnant and just found out 5 days ago that we are having a little boy. I hate to admit that I am even crying right now, but I am. I was raised being told that in our family all first born children have always been girls. Well when my husband and I experienced 2 miscarriages I was pretty confident that we still would be blessed with a little girl. Though we had our top boy and girl names picked out, and I thought I was mentally prepared for either gender, when we heard that it was a boy, I was in complete shock. I was smiling on the outside, but so shocked and upset on the inside. I can’t get excited about shopping for boy things, or thinking about having a baby. I am just sad and I hate that I am. I know I will love our son (even the word son is hard to type) dearly, but I always hoped to have the close mother daughter bond like I do with my mom. The worst is all the people telling me that they totally thought I was having a little girl, I just have to put a smile on and say nope, it’s a boy. I just really hope I can get excited about being pregnant and having a boy because we are not sure if we want any more children and I want to be able to cherish this time in my life.

    • Adriel April 11, 2014 at 11:05 am #

      Hi Apryl. I want to tread lightly here because, yes, it’s such a difficult and sensitive subject and there are no easy answers. Your feelings are totally valid and you’re so not alone! I hope you find peace as you wade through the confusion and process these emotions. I also hope that you’ll be able to lean into the pregnancy and find a way to cherish it like you hope to. It’s the only time you don’t have to share your little one with the entire world – he’s yours and yours alone to hold. xo
      Adriel recently posted..Selah: Pause and ListenMy Profile

  42. Rose May 30, 2014 at 3:23 am #

    Dear Adriel,

    I’m a mom of two children. A daughter and a son. I’m pregnant with our third and last child. We had lots of doubts wether we should or should’nt have a third child. Call me stupid but I was a 1000% sure of having another baby-girl. Thats why I said “Ok it’s worth the difficult pregnancy and all the practical disadvantages, let’s do this”

    I just found out that our baby is’nt a girl :( I’m terribly upset, been in bed and crying for days. My beautiful baby-girl name, the little sister that my daughter wanted so badly. It’s breaking my heart. I feel terrible and I’m very confused.
    I was shocked when I learned our 2nd was a boy. Now I know from experience that I love him oh so dearly. But one boy is enough, it feels like I’ve lost my little girl. I had a miscarriage in december and cant help thinking “That was my baby girl” I dont want anything to do with my growing belly, the stupid boy-clothes, the boy-names. I feel trapped cause there is no way out. I feel like this child is going to mess up my beautiful family. I’m a girly girl very much so, I realy dont want another boy to wrestle with.

    My heart feels so ashamed and I believe that I’m a terrible mom, never ever would have thought that I would feeling like this towards my own baby. God bless him he deserves so much more than me.

    I really dont know how to cope with all this.

    • Adriel May 31, 2014 at 9:27 pm #

      Hello sweet Rose. Thank you for sharing your story here – I’m glad you felt it a safe place to lay open your heart. As you can see from the other comments, many women share similar stories to you – you are not alone! I want to offer two things for you in this vulnerable time: 1) Shame will rob you of life, my friend. You can feel all the negative emotions you need to in order to process this news, but please, please, please don’t let shame eat away at your soul. It’s a silent killer. You can drown in that awful stuff! Give yourself grace, just as you would a dear friend if she was sharing her biggest struggles with you. And 2) I’d like to consider you talking to someone professionally about how you feel. Perhaps you only go once or twice, and yes, I know it can be expensive, but I can think of no more worthy investment at this period in your life – much more important than new onsies and baby gear. Talk to someone face-to-face that can help you wade through your emotions, deal with the shame, and find peace. Please, consider that – for yourself and for your baby. Again, you have nothing to be ashamed of. I’m quite sure you’re not a terrible mom (I can tell just by what you’ve already shared), but I believe it would be so helpful for you to seek help in person – someone that can sit with you face-to-face and help give you the tools you need to cope right now. You are powerful enough to handle this, but perhaps not without the right tools. Please consider? I’ll be praying for you every time you come to mind.
      Adriel x

      • Rose June 3, 2014 at 1:22 pm #

        Thank you so much for your oh so kind words. Im trying to forgive myself but I’m struggling. For sure I’m gonna feel so guilty towards my son even more when he’s born. I’ve made an appointment with a psychologist later this week. In daily life I help others but this time I realize I need help myself. Again thank you so much for finding the time and right words to show me compassion.

        • Adriel June 4, 2014 at 8:58 pm #

          This is great news Rose! Thank you for coming back to let me know. I am certain you won’t regret speaking to a professional about this. Just wonderful. This is a special time in your life, and even you grappling with the gender of your baby is all part of it. Good for you for not short-circuiting the process. xo

  43. Amilea June 7, 2014 at 1:20 pm #

    Hi I’ve just found out I’m having baby no2 I’ve already got a little boy who’s 3 but I so badley want this baby to be a girl what makes me feel awful is I was told I had two blocked tubes and ivf was my only hope but by some acted of god I fell pregnant naturally I’m so happy words can’t exspess so why do I feel I want a girl I’m worried il be disappointed and I don’t want to feel that way I’m so blessed to be be having another baby what makes it worse is a close friend is also having baby no2 like me already has a little boy and due roughly the same time I no I will feel jealous if she has a girl and I hate myself for that do I find out at the scan so I can get my head round it I wasn’t going to but I just can’t imagine going 9 months without knowing x

    • Adriel June 7, 2014 at 11:50 pm #

      Hi Amilea, first of all CONGRATULATIONS on your miracle baby!!! Wow, that is simply wonderful, just wonderful!

      I think finding out the gender is a highly personal decision (especially when you’re feeling strongly about the gender). For me, I like knowing so I have time to process and dream a little more specifically about baby (and call baby a “he” or “she” rather than “it”). But I have a few friends that like to leave it as a surprise and they love that, too!

      I can see why you’d feel guilty about potential gender disappointment – as you can see by all of these comments, it’s a pretty “normal” thing. And yet you know how blessed you are to be having a baby on a completely different level than most of us do, and so I can see why the guilt would feel even heavier as you process all of your emotions. (And remember – you’re pregnant! Hormones! Emotions!) ;) I hope you’re able to come to a decision and find peace with whatever you decide – knowing or waiting to find out – AND that you find peace with whatever baby’s gender is. No doubt s/he will be so loved – that much is clear.

      Again, HUGE congratulations. Your story is so encouraging – a TRUE miracle!!!

  44. Ashley June 14, 2014 at 4:54 am #

    Thank you for your very compassionate and thoughtful article. The honesty you’ve shared as well as all the moms who’ve posted has helped me tonight as I just found out today at 19 weeks I’m having boy #3. I feel very disappointed at the loss of my dream pregnancy, shopping for a baby girl planning a beautiful baby shower and day dreaming of having a daughter to bond with. I feel sadness and guilt for not being happy my baby is healthy and happily moving inside me. I feel horrible that I’m not excited for my two sons having a baby brother. With this pregnancy feeling completely different than the first, I was convinced it was a girl. My husband and boys wanted a baby sister too. Being 31, I had my first son at 24 and second son at 28, I didn’t conceive as quickly this time. We began trying to conceive in September and finally saw a positive result in December. Then a week later lost my pregnancy. Like Rose posted above, I feel I’m also grieving that loss all over again because I think that was my baby girl. I was silent and showed no emotion during the ultrasound and that makes me feel even worse for not caring about this blessing growing inside of me. I am having a hard time struggling with my emotions alone as I feel my husband doesn’t understand. I’m mourning a huge loss as I don’t believe I can go through this again in hopes of conceiving a girl. I believe this will be my final baby. This really hurts and makes me feel ungrateful for what God has planned. I love my boys with all my heart and they love their mom like no other. I hate that I’m not happy about my baby to come, I just can’t stop crying. I know I am a great mother and I will love my third son. Just praying it’s soon. I too don’t want to think about boy names or shop for boy things. I’m wanted a whole new experience. I feel awful that I don’t even want a baby shower. I have only told my mom and a close cousin how I feel right now. I’m not looking forward to sharing the news and hearing any comments at all. Sorry for such a long post. I’m really thankful I’m not the only mom to feel like this. (Adriel, I just read you have a daughter in heaven? Sorry for your loss)

    • Adriel June 16, 2014 at 3:04 pm #

      Oh Ashley, I’m sorry for your loss. I think it’s very discerning that you realized that you have a double dose of grief as you mourn the loss of your dream of having a daughter as well as the loss of your baby (and the dream that she also gave you). I can relate to that so much. I’m now pregnant again and am grappling with these issues as well – though to a lesser extent than I did with my first gender reveal. We don’t yet know the gender, but I feel much more peace about having a third boy if that’s the case. (However, I know I will also be sad about not having a daughter if that’s the case.) I think these feelings are so normal, but not when it is all-consuming. I hope you can find someone in person to confide in and ask to pray with you. And I don’t know if this brings you comfort, but knowing that I will be with my daughter in heaven one day brings me immense comfort. Bless you as you process all these big emotions and life changes. AND… give yourself a little grace. Remind yourself that you are PREGNANT and thus, a little hormonal. ;) LOL!!!
      Adriel recently posted..12 Reasons you should travel with kids (even internationally)My Profile

  45. Amilea June 19, 2014 at 12:30 pm #

    Thank you so much for your reply and thank you for writing your original article It was so reassuring to find other mums feeling the same I must say saying how I felt out loud or rather writing it I felt so much better about the chance of having another boy we’ve chosen our boy or girl name and I’m going to find out at the next scan but keep it a secret from everybody else I think I need to know like you said to dream about him or her and to enjoy shopping this baby I truly think I’m having another boy and if I’m right we’ve decided to call him Noah as this Baby is my mirical from god, without finding your article I might have never of addressed how I felt and carried the negative feeling I had a put a dampner on my preganacy so thank you so much for writing how you felt and showing other mums it’s ok to feel this way and not to be judged by it, I have also learnt not to ask mums having another baby if they want an opposite gender to what they already have but just to simple say congratulations what wonderful news
    Xxxx

    • Adriel June 20, 2014 at 6:05 am #

      I’m so glad to hear that Amilea – wonderful! (And thanks for the follow-up.)

      I also think your insight who asking other women about the gender of their babies is a very good one. I’m constantly getting comments like “hope your next one is a girl!” or “you must really want a girl” etc. and it’s definitely not helpful. I’ve learned to let it roll off my back, but I’m glad that it’s helped me to be more sensitive about what I say to other moms. A good take-away lesson, I think. ;)

  46. Crystal June 19, 2014 at 9:17 pm #

    Im pregnant with #4 (my last baby) and I am so scared to find out the gender! I have three beautiful and healthy boys that I love to pieces and I know that regardless of what this baby is I will love them the same. I just think it’s hard knowing that if I hear “it’s a boy” this time that it is the last time and I will never have a girl. I always just assume that each one is a boy so that I dont get dissapointed, but this time I actually have hope for a girl and that scares me. :/

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