Giving birth to hope (and a baby)
I had a day last week filled with both excitement and dread. The dread ended up deflating itself once brought into the light of day, leaving me only with excitement. Through it all I was reminded that dread, in my experience, is the enemy of hope. (Retrospect is a beautiful thing, friends.)
In the wake of some unexpected (and thrilling) news about a writing opportunity, I felt bolstered in my willingness to handle disappointment, so I decided to give those two little lines a try. Would they show?
It’s amazing how something so sacred can be bound up in peeing on a stick – a true glimpse into the glamorous, ordinary work of motherhood.
I was dreading not being pregnant and being devastated once again. I’ve now known months upon months of bathroom crying – disappointed again, discouraged again.
(As much as I profess to be a roller coaster sort of park-goer, I confess that I’ve sometimes wanted to sneak on to the predictability of the ferris wheel – the safety of knowing what to expect, even if that knowing meant not ‘trying’ so as not to be disappointed. Yes, a defeatist’s escape – not a very noteworthy course – but a seemingly “safer” one when you’re weary from the wild ride of the unknown.)
I was also dreading the notion that if I was pregnant, I might not be able to gracefully handle the fear and anxiety trying to hitch a ride on the coattails of pregnancy in the wake of miscarriage. Would I be an emotional wreck? Would I be a paranoid lunatic? Would I be able to enjoy being pregnant?
They say losing a baby robs a woman of the “innocence” of pregnancy. And perhaps for once, they are actually right. The weight of potential loss is so real, so poignant.
And Yet.
And Yet.
And yet there is God – the One Who Mothers Me. This Mother-God, he holds me and comforts me and reassures me that I’m not in this alone, and that—always—his grace is cut to measure for exactly what I’ll need.
So I held a little tighter on the roller coaster grip and took the test and, yes, I was—I am—pregnant. Perfectly, wonderfully, delightfully pregnant. (A greater gift I’m not sure is possible.)
We now have a “made in the USA” baby to add to our family. How wonderful!
This journey may be different than my pregnancy with Levi or Judah or Scarlett, but I’m determined to enjoy this one, too.
I’ve dealt with the fear and the dread and the what-if’s (and commit to as much as I need to, should those villains rear their ugly heads again), and I carry our baby in hope and expectation. I mother her in faith. I grow him in grace.
And I feel confident that this is the day that the Lord has made. I will surely be glad and rejoice in it.
This baby is a gift, no matter how long we have together (may it be decades! multiple decades!) and I’m all too aware that “my” children don’t ultimately belong to me (or my husband). We’ve given them to God, and as many times as I personally have to, I’ll offer them back into his hands.
Because it’s there they’ll be safe.
You guys, we’re having a baby! Due in January 2015. This is wonderful, wonderful news and I’m just thrilled to share it with the world.
Pray for baby? Pray for us?
Love,
A
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Congratulations! Have faith in your body to carry this baby well; enjoy and cherish every moment until USABaby arrives.
thank you victoria!
Oh Adriel so happy for you!! Praying for a joy filled pregnancy and that sweet baby!!
thanks laura!!
Adriel recently posted..How do you know your calling? (Hint: I have the answer.)
Adriel,
This news is so incredibly wonderful!!! I will be praying for you and the tiny one growing inside!!!!
oh, thank you holly!
Adriel recently posted..It’s time to change the narrative about Africa’s women
Yay! Praying for you. Praying for the tiny babe growing in you. Praying for continued healing from the past, for the spirit of fear never invade your body as you carry this precious tiny soul in you, for you to be flooded with piece that passes all understanding. I am praying!!
Amen and amen! Thank you Ana!!!
Adriel recently posted..I’m going to write a book for you… and give it away for free.
Please excuse all my grammar mistakes! My phone hates me, and I didn’t take the time to edit before posting 😛
Praying for you guys, but so excited for another cutie in your family. I love one of your last paragraphs where you talk about the babies and your husband ultimately being God’s. Something I hope I can understand and cling to when I have my own family. <3 You guys!
Thanks Erin!! <3
Adriel recently posted..When words fail
So fun! Congratulations!
Meg recently posted..Little Personalities
Congratulations! Such happy news! Praying for a peaceful, blessed pregnancy. 🙂
Becky recently posted..Enjoying the Library with Little Ones
Amen and thank you Becky! 🙂
Adriel recently posted..Influence: A Skater’s Story
What wonderful news, especially after all that you’ve been through!! CONGRATS!!!
Yes – wonderful! 🙂 Thank you!!
Adriel recently posted..Sometimes a kid just needs to know: Will you trust me?
Congratulations!!! Oh I am so very hapoy for you. Prayers for you and baby. Live joyously in this time.
Nessa recently posted..dear deedle
thank you nessa!! x
Adriel recently posted..Love A Mama in Nepal by making clean birth kits this Mother’s Day
yay, yay, yay! so excited about this precious “made in America” baby!
amanda recently posted..east coast surprise visit
us too! 🙂
Adriel recently posted..Bring Back Our Girls: 4 ways you can help #bringbackourgirls right now
Adriel, that is beautiful news! Congratulations. Prayers that fear will not rob you of joy during the months ahead. I know it’s so hard not let fear for something so out our control rule us, but God is ever faithful. He goes before us and behind us!
Lindsay Stevenson recently posted..Can We Take a Walk?
Amen, amen, amen! Thank you Lindsay!!! xo
Adriel recently posted..Blessed are the mothers and mother-hearts among us this Mother’s Day – the ones who mourn and the ones who rejoice.
I’m beyond excited for you Adriel! Yeah for your American baby!
Yay!! Thanks Ruth!!! 🙂
Adriel recently posted..How do you know your calling? (Hint: I have the answer.)
Oh, and now I’m crying…. So happy for you and Ryan, Adriel. What joyous news.
Thank you Jody!! <3
Adriel recently posted..Bring Back Our Girls: 4 ways you can help #bringbackourgirls right now
Congrats! I’m so excited for you! I too just nervously found out I am pregnant again after loss (many, many losses), due New Year!
Beth recently posted..Prayers please
Oh goodness Beth – first of all, huge congratulations!!! We are in this together! And secondly, I’m praying that God just covers every single detail for you during this pregnancy and that your baby will live many, many days longer than YOU!!!! Let it be, Jesus!! xo
Adriel recently posted..I’m going to write a book for you… and give it away for free.
COngratulations! Praying for you and for the baby.
Thanks Mindy! 🙂
Adriel recently posted..Sometimes a kid just needs to know: Will you trust me?
that’s beautiful news and from one warrior to another, an incredibly sweet bit of justice to coincide with a new writing opportunity. such good things…all born of His grace. Will remember you in prayer Adriel.
Thank you so much Lisha. God is ultimately so, so good. As you know, sometimes the breakthrough feels a long time coming, and yet, when it does, it all seems to make so much sense. Appreciate your prayers, friend! xo
Adriel recently posted..When words fail
Ahh hooray! Just catching up and seeing this post! God is good.