Parenting to build relationships, not robots

Hi Jules. Thanks so much for your comment and sharing your thoughts and questions! I certainly don’t have it all figured out. And, like you, I also do believe that children need to learn obedience. I suppose for me it’s just the issue of “rank” if that makes sense. I have found with Levi that when our relationship is sweet (namely, when I’ve spent lots of genuine face-to-face time with him) he’s much quicker to respond to my instructions and requests.

Discipline actually means “to teach, instruct, or cause to learn” and so yes, I DO discipline my kids. It starts from birth. If you look at discipline as shaping, teaching, instructing them and providing room for them to learn. What we often think is that discipline equals punishment. It actually doesn’t. There’s so much in the NT about discipline, but you just don’t see Jesus dishing out punishment. (He actually came to do away with our punishment!) He focuses on teaching and instructing and a lot of question-asking (to help people learn for themselves).

I always relate it back to my early days of knowing God. When I first became a Christian my relationship with him revolved around growing to know his character, receiving his love, understanding his heart, learning his ways, etc. I never felt ordered around, rebuked, demanded of, etc. As I grew to know him, so grew my desire to obey and serve and follow. Even now, when I make bad decisions, I rarely have to be rebuked. Usually I know I’ve done it (or HS brings that nudge of conviction) and I repent, get it right, and move on. Only when I’m being very obstinate do I get a rebuke from him. But our relationship is solid enough now that I can handle that. It doesn’t undermine my trust, it doesn’t make me feel insecure. It makes me feel loved because I understand that he wants what’s best.

I believe as we grow in relationship with our children, the natural progression should very much be the same. (I’m always asking this question “How does God parent me? And how does that translate into how I parent my children?”

Do I believe in consequences? Oh yeah, of course! But I’m trying more and more to find natural or logical consequences for poor behavior instead of just punishing them. For instance, if you throw toys they will get broken (natural consequence) so I’d better put the toy in a time-out where it’s safe. When you calm down you can have another try. (This one’s working well at the moment and Levi’s throwing less and less.) If you throw food on the floor, you’ll have nothing left to eat and will be hungry before our next meal. (No snack offered to compensate later.) If you hit your brother you have to be separated from him so that he will stay safe. (You miss out on “fellowship” – to use “Christian” terms.) You must have your diaper changed right now (non-negotiable!) so either you go climb up the change table yourself, or I will carry you myself (kicking and screaming if need be – haha) and either way we’ll get it done. (Your choice whether this happens easily or with a fight!)

Does that make sense?

I find that on days where Levi acts out a lot I need to drop my multi-tasking for a little while and just play with him – focused play like coloring, building something, playing cars, tackle & tickles, pushing him on the swing or kicking a call around the yard, etc. After a good bout of play he goes back to behaving really well. It’s like his acting out really is a cry for more attention. I don’t believe he’s manipulating, I just think in his little two-year-old mind he doesn’t know how to articulate his needs and is trying to make them known. (As adults we often do this too – we might get quiet and sulky about something, just hoping, hoping that someone will ask us if we’re ok. Obviously that’s not the best/most humble way to ask for help and we need to learn to be more mature, but I’m just using that as an example to show how “normal” this sort of thing is.) As I focus on him his heart is touched and I earn that position of trust back. Without fail he responds really well after that and tries to communicate his needs with less drama! 😉

This doesn’t mean that he calls the shots in our family. We are the parents and we do know what’s best. It just means that pulling the “because I said so” card is used very, very sparing. Instead we offer choice as much as we can – you can decide between the hard way (with consequences) or the easy way (also with consequences – good ones).

Does that make sense? I think I could write a lot more about this. 😉 Truth is, we’re still very much figuring this all out! And each stage of childhood requires different approaches right? But underpinning those with the concept that to discipline means to teach (not to punish) is the main thing. And part of the teaching process will always involve consequences (which aren’t always negative).

Your question about when to start introducing responsibility? I don’t think there’s a magic age 🙂 but I think as a parent you can sense when they’re starting to “get it.” With Levi this was around a year old. And obviously as they mature, so does their capacity for being given responsibility (and taking responsibility for their actions).

Some thoughts for you to chew on. Please remember, I’m no expert!! Still new at all this, but I’m learning and being shaped and challenged as I do. My big thing is this: “How does God parent me and how do I translate that to my littles?” 🙂

Love to you and the fam too. Thanks again for writing. Sorry for such an enormous answer. (Should have just written a post about it – ha!) xx
Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos recently posted..parenting to build relationships, not robots

isn’t that even true of adults?! 😉
Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos recently posted..join me for a cuppa | waiting and flying

glad it resonates with you jessica 🙂
Adriel @ The Mommyhood Memos recently posted..watching brothers become mates | nurturing your children’s relationships

Oh yes, I’m humbled so much, so often too. They are the best teachers, these little ones. xx