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“Why are you still single?” | A single woman’s perspective on the dreaded question

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 As a woman who spent my entire twenties as a single person, today’s topic is one I’m very familiar with. The question of singleness and the tendency for women, in particular, to be hounded with questions about why-why-why-when-when-when seems to be unrelenting. Add to that girlish childhood fantasies, heart-felt grown-up longings, and a pinterest-saturated world of wedding images and it can be a recipe for a bit of a mess. My dear friend Sarah is sharing today about her perspective of singleness. I’ve known Sarah for twelve years now and have seen her continually approach “singlehood” with grace, wisdom, conviction, and passion. I hope that if you’re a ‘single’ reader you’ll be encouraged, and if  you’re a married reader you’ll be encouraged with insight on how to empower our single sisters. So happy to have Sarah’s voice here on the 31 Days of Women Empowering Women series today. Thank you Sarah, for being so freakin’ awesome. xo

Why are you still single? A single woman's perspective on the dreaded question of singleness.

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“Why are you still single?”

If you have ever been asked this question you will understand that there is never an easy answer. Sometimes there simply is no answer. Trying to answer a question like this on the spot at a social gathering can lead into further questions about your personality, career, high standards, and eventually your identity.

Unfortunately the place I was most confronted with this question was at Christian gatherings. Friends, acquaintances, and even new introductions would eventually pop this question and take the lead in to a conversation that wasn’t always encouraging.

I was once interviewing an elderly Christian professor about missions at a conference (on stage) when he interrupted me with this very question. His following advice on how I could get married included a statement how I was obviously intimidating due to my role in leadership. Therefore, he concluded, I needed to be the one that [insert list of recommendations on how to approach Godly single guys to start a relationship].

I left the conversation confused and wondering if he had been serious about me being intimidating. The truth was that I really liked my life, I was living in the adventure of my calling, and I felt in these moments unable to articulate that there was so much more to me than my relationship status. Even though I did have the desire to one day be married, I knew there wasn’t a specific blueprint to follow on how to exactly make that happen.

More of this, more of that. Less of this, just relax.

Throughout my twenties there were always plenty of “helpful” suggestions. Some of these included: “You need to wear more dresses,” or “You just need to open up your heart more,” and my personal favourite – “As a leader you would obviously be intimidating so perhaps try to flirt a little more”. It was always more of this, more of that.

What happened to trusting God? What happened to living in the fullness of this season until He decides its time for the next? Why did not being in a romantic relationship mean that my heart was closed? Do we even believe that God may have a personal wisdom for us in taking steps towards that special relationship?

Do our labels help or hinder?

I have come to believe that the tag ‘single’ is not a kingdom concept. Think about the meaning of the word. It implies that there is ‘only one; not several’. Is there anything ‘single’ or ‘independent’ about the life of someone who is a follower of Jesus? The Christian faith is about relationship. We are in fellowship, we are accountable, we are called ‘joint heirs in Christ’ (Galatians 3:27-29). We are connected. We are not isolated.

When I was 31 years of age I was still not in a romantic relationship. People cared and wanted to see me with someone special. I thought about it a lot and took my questions to God. What was His plan for relationships? Was He worried for me? Are we really alone until we are in a special relationship? What can true community look like when we all do life together? I came to the conclusion that these are the questions that we should be asking.

The fact is, I was living a life full of relationships. I loved hanging out with my married friends, my unmarried friends, the senior citizens group, and the youth group. I enjoyed staying with families of small children on holidays and going out for coffee with friends. Popular culture is obsessed with romantic relationships. They are a beautiful gift but there is so much else that God has given us. They are not when our life begins.

3 myths about singleness we need to debunk:

Myth #1: To not have a boyfriend/husband is to be alone. To be unloved. To be unchosen.

The bible tells us that we were chosen before the foundation of the world. God has already chosen to be in relationship with you. That is the most important relationship of all. There are also people in your life that God has already trusted you with. Build those relationships and be faithful with the people God has placed in your life.

Myth #2: If you really let go then “it” will happen.

There is no formula with God. Just like each woman is unique, so is her journey. Trust God. It’s not a passive thing. Letting go will look different to every individual but one thing is for certain – it will not press a magic button and make what you want happen. True surrender may be a daily decision to be open and allow God to lead you.

Myth #3: All the good men are taken.

Why is there the fear that the longer we wait, the more likely we will miss out? The Kingdom of God is not a Boxing Day sale [aka “after Christmas sale”]. It is a kingdom opposite to the world. Jesus performed his first miracle by providing the best wine for last. This miracle came from a God who was concerned for a newlywed’s dignity. What does this tell you about your God? Do you not think that God is also concerned for your dignity? He really can save the best for last. You’re not going to miss out. Use this time to become the kind of woman that a Godly man would be waiting for.

“Why are you still single?”

If you’re being probed by this question I want to encourage you. God is good and he has filled your life with good things (Psalm 103:5). Don’t allow popular culture to reduce God’s goodness in your life to one faith gap that you’re trusting Him with. There is always going to be some kind of faith gap in your life. Remember who God is and what he is like. God loves relationships. God loves you. God is a God of perfect timing; but He does not follow a formula. Letting go doesn’t mean that you’re going to get an automatic outcome. Surrendering has a lot to do with an attitude of trust. You can trust God.

There is so much in your life that needs your attention right now. Why not begin to focus on stewarding the relationships that God has already given you? Be a friend, a sister, a kind stranger. Start to enjoy this season of your life because it can suddenly change and you don’t want to have missed the beauty of what God had for you and him together.

Sarah McCutcheon
Sarah McCutcheon leads the Youth Ministries at YWAM Newcastle. She enjoys peppermint tea, vogue magazine, and meaningful conversation. Her favourite character quality in people is kindness.

 

 

Dear friends, are you a ‘single’ woman? If so, what kinds of things from those around you make you feel empowered, despite your relationship status? And if you are married, how do you try to honor and empower the single ladies among us without reducing them to a ‘category’ or relationship status?

Love, Adriel xx

Related:

31 Days of Women Empowering Women at AdrielBooker.com

 

The post “Why are you still single? A single woman’s perspective on the dreaded question is part of a series called 31 Days of Women Empowering Women.

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62 Comments

  • Reply Beth 25 October 2013 at 12:53 am

    thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! Was once told (at a friends wedding of all places) that because I was pursuing my dream to work in PNG I was too independent, and therefore intimidating to guys, to ever get married. Great, thanks. Then had others tell me I was sacrificing any chance of a relationship by moving to the jungle, and still others excited about the fact I was going to find myself a ‘native’ husband. Everything I do evaluated in the light of “you need to get married”. Massively appreciate this – thank you!
    Beth recently posted..Revenge of the RatsMy Profile

    • Reply Adriel 25 October 2013 at 2:20 pm

      Beth – you are another wonderful example of a woman pursuing after God on HIS terms, not your own!! An inspiration!

      I’ve always believed that if we are obedient to God and stay in step with his way for us, then we must be perfectly aligned for that “divine intersection” at just the right time. Not saying that finding someone to marry is a guarantee (or should be our motivation for following after God), but that as we follow God he takes care of the detail! And a marriage relationship is a rather important detail that I’m pretty sure he’s more concerned with us getting right than we even are!! 😉

      I’ve seen girls position themselves to “find a guy” and they always end up disappointed. I love that you are positioning yourself to pursue God’s dream for your life in the here and now! If you are to be married our husband won’t be in conflict with your calling at all! He will fit right into it and you’ll discover even more detail together!!

      You are amazing – another Woman of Valor! Thanks for sharing here today. x
      Adriel recently posted..The Problem of the Period: Why menstruation is holding us back from changing the world and how you can reverse that with your sewing machineMy Profile

  • Reply Samantha 25 October 2013 at 4:01 am

    I’ve been away from home in missions for 9 months, and I come home 1 week after turning 23 and this is all I hear. Thank you for your article, I’ve shared it with many friends, and am so thankful to have something new to say to people who (though they only just care so much) tend to press on a tender area in our lives.

    Thank you!!

  • Reply Samantha 25 October 2013 at 4:03 am

    I’ve been away from home in missions for 9 months, and I come home 1 week after turning 23 and this is all I hear. Thank you for your article, I’ve shared it with many friends, and am so thankful to have something new to say to people who (though they only just care so much) tend to press on a tender area in our lives.

    Thank you!!

  • Reply Ashley 25 October 2013 at 4:17 am

    Thank you for this fantastic article! I am 31 and going on 32 in only a few short weeks. I cannot tell you the amount of suggestions I have had from caring and concerned loved ones who truly want what they think is best for me (being told to smile more was one of my favorites). Consistently I find myself feeling the need to validate and explain who I am, the woman God has created me to be. But I know deep down that I am enough. Period. By myself. Thank you for the reminder that God has a plan, and He is perfect in ALL things. =)

  • Reply Astrid 25 October 2013 at 7:05 am

    Thank you so much! This is something I think about a lot. I am 32, live in Sweden and am happily and painfully single. I so agree with you. We can trust God and he is so interested in every aspect of our lives. I lived several years in India. Before going I said to God that I didn’t want to without being married, since I would be able to do so many more things if I was married. Then God scolded me and said “do you think I am limited in using you in India by your marital status?” No of course, he is able to use us no matter what. I have struggled with singleness a lot, and still do, although I am doing much better these days. I do want to add though that I can struggle with not living out my sexuality, and that this is something we don’t talk about in Christian circles. Of course God is greater, but reality is still that we were created for intimacy that we don’t live out to an extent. Just wanted to bring that up. I do want to say that I want to choose thankfulness. We have so much to be grateful for. Especially thinking of what kind of situation most women in this world, we can be grateful. This is getting way too long. Way to go Sarah and great to read from a fellow YWAMer. All we can really do is to continue on the journey that God has for us and trust him that he will lead, guide and strengthen us along the path. Blessings

    • Reply Adriel 25 October 2013 at 2:30 pm

      Appreciate you adding your perspective Astrid. And you’re right, the aspect of sexuality is sensitive and difficult. It’s something I’ve spoken about many times with single friends and it always brings mixed emotion and some questions that have no straight-forward, easy answer.

      Even though Sarah didn’t mention it specifically, I think what she said about us always having a ‘faith gap’ is really profound. As a single person, this is an area where there is a some kind of a gap. It doesn’t make you any less of a person or less whole, but there is a gap that requires faith to sustain you in.

      Love what you said about being “happily and painfully single”. I can relate my own story to that so much. Love your perspective on gratitude as well. x
      Adriel recently posted..What Jessica Rey didn’t tell us and why the modesty debate matters (Modesty, Power, & Bikini Burning part 2 ) My Profile

  • Reply philip 25 October 2013 at 9:20 am

    Hi,
    I am a male 31. I don’t think this article helps single Christian men who want to date a Christian women. This article empowers women to be single. I agree that women have the right to be single & not have people asking, telling or saying, why are you not married. Empowering women is great. What about us guys who might be single,looking for love, maybe even to get married?
    Well I am a guy who has enough trouble making good friends let alone a girlfriend. In short. Don’t make it harder for us guys to find the perfect someone.

    • Reply Adriel 25 October 2013 at 2:09 pm

      Hi Philip. Thanks for taking the time to comment. To be perfectly honest I can’t understand why you think this post has anything to do with making it harder for single guys. Maybe you can help me see where you’re coming from, but what I read is a woman encouraging other women that they don’t need to feel inferior or ashamed or alarmed about being single, and that God can use them exactly where they’re at, regardless of their marital status. It’s such an encouraging message!

      The whole point is to empower women IN their singleness, not empower them TO be single. I see that as a big difference. (I personally believe some men and women are called TO singleness as well, but she doesn’t broach that aspect of singleness in this post at all so it’s an entirely different subject and not at all the vantage point that she’s writing from.)

      This series is about women empowering each other in all sorts of ways, but really most of what Sarah’s written here is not gender-exclusive. I think there’s some awesome encouragement for single men in there too, if you choose to read it that way.

      One last thing I want to suggest Philip, if you’re willing to hear – maybe finding the “perfect someone” could be part of the problem? I lived my entire twenties as a single woman and then was gifted with the best man to marry in my thirties! He is not perfect, but he is certainly BEST. I pray you’ll find your “best woman” since that’s what your heart desires so much. I understand about the difficult wait, I really do. Grace to you.
      Adriel recently posted..Meet Geena: A young mum shares her breast cancer storyMy Profile

    • Reply Jess 25 October 2013 at 2:20 pm

      Hi Phillip – I don’t know your pain as a man, but I know your pain of being single when it isn’t your preference. I so want to be married, but as a single woman I’m in a hard place. I could approach a man, but it would put the relationship of balance. I’m sure you realize most Christian women believe the man should approach and make the first move. How are we to balance that? For me, this article is very encouraging because it is so hard to continually be asked why I’m single as if there is something wrong with me or that I am somehow less or lacking when I am not in a place to change it. Yes, in Christ I have everything, but going home to being alone every night doesn’t make it feel like that’s the truth it is. You, as a man, have more of an opportunity to change that as you can initiate; and yes, I understand risk is involved by putting yourself out there. I encourage you to pray, seek God for direction and then continue to move forward looking for a wife. I am certain He will reveal the right one to you and if you are intentional, as it sounds like you are, He will open the door for you.

      • Reply Adriel 27 October 2013 at 10:27 pm

        Hi Jess. I used to think along the same lines as you’re describing here – that it was a Christian man’s responsibility to do all the pursuing in relationships. I was challenged by a much older, godly woman that my understanding was unbiblcal. My knee-jerk reaction was that even if it was unbiblical, it was not culturally appropriate in Christian young adult circles for a woman to consider approaching a man. She lovingly laughed at me and challenged me to really consider it, study my bible more, and pray. I was adamant in my opinion and left shaking my head.

        Not long after I felt God nudging me to approach a man and tell him I was interested in getting to know him more. After we were engaged I learned that the day before I approached him, he had just told God that he was so frustrated with his failed attempts at finding a wife and said if it was going to happen, God would need to bring her to him and make it super obvious. He wasn’t being a whimp or passive, but he was surrendering himself to Jesus again and genuinely asking for intervention. Approaching him the way I did was the most nerve wracking thing I’ve ever done. But had I not done that I’m not sure I would be married with children today. Both my husband and I are just so grateful that the other was listening to God and responding as he led… but it didn’t fit our formula of how it “should” happen!!

        I’m sharing this story not to say it’s “the” way, but that it’s “a” way. I learned – and was humbled – by God leading me right outside of my comfort zone and theological and cultural box. Best humbling moment of my life to date. 🙂 Just something to get you thinking. 🙂

        p.s. I have to add that I also feared this might put our relationship “off balance” in some way. But now I can honestly say we have one of the most balanced (though imperfect) marriage relationships I know and we are both deeply satisfied.
        Adriel recently posted..4 Innovations That Are Changing the World My Profile

    • Reply amber 31 October 2013 at 4:52 am

      Phillip, I do not think the article intends to convince a woman to stay single forever. It is meant to encourage women not to feel ashamed for not being in a relationship or to not feel pressured to have one just because other people are beginning to think you are too old to be single.

  • Reply Brad 25 October 2013 at 11:58 am

    Wow! Try to flirt a bit more… That is ridiculous! Good on you Sarah (and other ladies not currently in a romantic relationship). I admire you and as someone who married at the age of 21 I have at times envied your freedom to just get up and go whenever the opportunity presents itself.

  • Reply Adriel 25 October 2013 at 2:13 pm

    Sarah, I miss being referred to as sisters and just wish we had a way of being together in person more often! I’ve so enjoyed watching you grow and flourish over the last 12 years, never letting your relationship status define your decisions, your willingness to step out in faith or obey God, or what circles you will and won’t build community in. You are a wonderful example of a godly woman (single or married is irrelevant to that!) and I love all of the insight you’ve shared here today! Your wisdom and sentiments are resonating with MANY. Be encouraged, Woman of Valor! You are a huge blessing! xx
    Adriel recently posted..Meet Geena: A young mum shares her breast cancer storyMy Profile

    • Reply Sarah 30 October 2013 at 11:58 am

      Hi Adriel,

      Thank you for your kind words and for creating the opportunity to share my heart on your blog! I appreciate your generosity of spirit and capacity to influence. You are also a wonderful example of trusting God in the different seasons of life and I am so grateful to have shared over a decade of life with you! Makes me laugh to think of everything we have seen happen the past 10 years. Sisters for sure!

      As I read through some of these responses I am so glad that people have been encouraged by this post. Thanks again for taking something that began as my journal notes from the past several years and helping to turn it into this! Much love! xox

  • Reply Adele 25 October 2013 at 7:44 pm

    Being a Christian and having to spend most of your twenties being quizzed about getting a boyfriend and getting married got very boring very quickly. I am in my late twenties now and have found the most amazing man, but to get to that point I did have to endure some interesting theories as to why I was single. The most amusing one for me was that I must be gay as I wasn’t with anyone! I had an amazing time being single and would say don’t waste your time searching for someone just because you want to be with someone, being in a relationship brings a whole other set of issues and personally I would take the opportunity of being single and enjoy it! Have fun!

  • Reply Hannah 25 October 2013 at 11:53 pm

    Thanks for this encouraging post. I am 32 and not married. I enjoy my singlehood because I have many other significant relationships. As a missionary, I am surrounded by many friendly people, married, single, youth and children. However, it’s always difficult to answer this question without lengthy explanation, which I really don’t want to repeat. Sometimes, I’d just shrug my shoulder and smile and say “there’s time for everything under the heavens”… Thanks Sarah, thanks Adriel

  • Reply Amey 26 October 2013 at 12:53 am

    Thank you so much for writing your post. As a happily single 44yo woman who would love the companionship of marriage, I have faced these questions many, many times. Sometimes from well-meaning older women and sometimes from children who don’t understand why I don’t have any of my own, but my answer has become, “because I haven’t found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with yet.”

    That really is the truth. My life is an amazing adventure and I have big dreams with Jesus. I’m also an egalitarian – I believe men and women are equal and that marriage should be a reflection of the equality and mutual submission evident in the Trinity. Here in Florida it’s not easy to find others who are wiling to embrace equality. However, so many of my married friends are envious of the life I’ve been leading – full of travel, adventures, and divine appointments. There are many days where I pinch myself in unbelief at the places I’ve seen, the moves of God I’ve experienced, and the people with whom I’ve spent personal time.

    I would love to have a companion who was interested in the great adventure, too. But our society doesn’t value the type of life I have – it values stability and financial resources. It’s been hard to meet people, especially men, who are willing to risk everything to live the adventure.

    I do believe that I will meet him one day, though. But I haven’t yet. So, for now, I enjoy my life and cherish the family relationships I have in the Body of Christ. And I love my brothers!

    • Reply Adriel 27 October 2013 at 10:32 pm

      Amen Amey. Good for you for not compromising on your convictions! Good egalitarian, adventurous men are out there – though they are sometimes a little harder to identify. 😉 I pray that will change more and more. I found one, but it took me a while for sure.

      I love that you’re loving your life. That sets a great example of living life to the full! (Jn 10:10)
      Adriel recently posted..Meet Geena: A young mum shares her breast cancer storyMy Profile

  • Reply Phil 26 October 2013 at 1:07 am

    Although not your primary intended audience (at least I assume not, based on what the post said) I must say that I found the comments a breath of fresh air and very positive for me in my situation, as a single man in my mid-30s who has always been single but not wanted to be so.
    Myth 2 was probably the biggest blessing to read, as I have heard that said far too many times!

    Interestingly, the biggest “hassle” on being single has come from women. First it was the single women in my church where there was a ration of 8 single women to every 1 single man in the student group. Now it’s the mums of young people I have worked with or currently work with, where the line is either “why are you still single” or a suggestive nod when I am seen talking to a woman of a similar age.

    Many thanks for this post!

    • Reply Adriel 27 October 2013 at 10:37 pm

      Women can get craaaazy with our desire to matchmake! Forgive us Phil!!

      Myth #2 – it will happen when you relax – IS a little ridiculous. There’s just no formula. I was talking the other day with a friend who is struggling with infertility and she’s often told the same thing by well-meaning friends: just relax and it will happen! It’s actually patronizing to say things like this and way too simplistic. If finding a marriage partner (or getting pregnant) could be reduced to a formula, there would be no undesired singleness or childlessness.

      We need to give each other a little more credit than that and quit trying to “fix” each other with pat answers and formulas!

      Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts.
      Adriel recently posted..Liberation from the Beauty Myth: A call for transformationMy Profile

  • Reply Beth 26 October 2013 at 2:32 am

    I’m in my mid twenties and I’ve been getting this question for years. It’s been a nice reminder that there isn’t anything wrong with being single. A few years ago, one of my married friends was speaking with me about my singleness and encouraging me that it was its own blessing. Single people have an inherent freedom to “go” as God calls in a much easier way than married people do; there are many blessings and challenges for both sides. I think it’s easy to forget that our relationship status is something we need to continually lay down on the alter before our Lord and let Him take the lead on, like we ask for every other area of our lives. If we truly believe His plan is better, we have to remember He has a plan for this area as well, regardless of gender.

  • Reply Whitney 26 October 2013 at 10:23 am

    I really enjoyed this post. I got married at 19 and have an amazing husband and many amazing single girlfriends. In answer to your question, Adriel, I try to honor my single friends by not treating them like part of their life is missing because they aren’t married yet. I don’t really have a tangible example of doing that, but I think it’s more of a heart issue in me. If I truly respect and love them for who they are now – not as if they’re put on hold until Mr. or Mrs. Right comes along – I think my actions and words will show that respect, and hopefully build their confidence and character as they walk their road. Thanks again, great insight into a world I’m surrounded by, but didn’t actually walk through myself.

  • Reply Tracey Forrest 27 October 2013 at 6:33 am

    The question that came to mind is, “Why are single men in leadership called eligible and single women in leadership called intimidating and picky?”

  • Reply LISANNE 28 October 2013 at 1:51 am

    I HATE BEING STILL SINGLE AT 47.

    • Reply Adriel Booker 16 December 2015 at 4:59 pm

      I’m so sorry Lisanne. That must be incredibly difficult for you—understandably so if marriage is your desire. In my experience, though very different to your own, nothing has made me long for heaven more than grief. (Though my grief is related to children/fertility rather than singleness.) I pray God gives you rich community.
      Adriel Booker recently posted..Coming Clean: We’re all drunk on somethingMy Profile

  • Reply Martha 28 October 2013 at 4:21 am

    Bravo Sarah and Adriel! Excellent post!

    As a 63 year old, I feel I was pioneer in this field of Christian singleness! I was single until 33, and boy it was difficult within the Christian community. I found refuge working with non-christian women!

    My best line when people asked me why I was still single?
    “I gave my love life to God and he’s keeping it!”

    Single women, enjoy your fabulous walk and adventure with God!

    • Reply NJ 28 October 2013 at 9:47 am

      I love that line! I’m going to have to use it!!!

  • Reply NJ 28 October 2013 at 9:58 am

    I love this post! I get that question all the time, been told I was too picky, yadda yadda. I did end up going to God, and asking. He told me there was a husband out there for me, and I would know when I know. After a couple years of waiting, I suppose that I will continue to wait until I am ready for him, and He is ready for me. I DON’T want one that isn’t THE one God has planned for me, even if that means I have to develope a bit of patience. Remember Gals, there are often things God needs to work on in each of us and our potential mates to make a good fit in marriage. What if those things need to be addressed before you marry? Fruit for thought. I am comfortable being yet unwed at the age of 35, and look forward to someone special. Especially since he’ll be sent from God, I have all the confidence I need that he will be worth the wait

  • Reply Tiffany Takao 28 October 2013 at 12:20 pm

    I was interested in reading the comments here. One thing I just want to add is….is anyone, man or woman, truly desires children or even many children. they really need to plan on being married young. Many don’t realize that (from stats I read) fertility peaks at about 25 for women, and declines after that. Of course there are women in their late 30s and in their 40s that do have children, but is often harder to conceive.

    Also, there is a series of books and CDs called Real Love by Greg Baer MD that might be helpful. I find his work refreshingly honest, thorough, and encouraging for people whether they are single, dating, engaged, or married. It helps you find your true self as God created you, which in turn might lead to changes happening in a way that is helpful. God bless.

  • Reply 12 Essentials for Your Twenties: Empowering Christian young people to discover, develop, become, & be 28 October 2013 at 11:42 pm

    […] post is another (like the wildly popular one on singleness) that doesn’t exclusively apply to women. But in thinking about what to include in 31 Days of […]

  • Reply B 29 October 2013 at 12:29 am

    Thank you so very much. I’m 20 and just starting to get the hints and nudges. I am over weight and people hint or sometimes boldly state that is the only reason I am not married, because i have such a pretty face. This frustrates me because shouldn’t i want to change these things for me and not so i can land a man? The right guy for me should like me on the good or the bad days shouldn’t he? I have already gotten the line it intimidates guys because they are scared about how big i will get. I get that the easier you are on the eyes the more guys become interested but i only want the one guy. Won’t he see me for my personality? If he doesn’t do i even really want him as a husband? At this point i haven’t been called to anything big other than scarily not to go to college buy instead starting a business. My business isn’t going well. So often i think that getting a husband would make life so much for simple but then God reminds me that he put me on this track for a reason. It wasn’t just to keep me busy until I get married. I still have panic attacks every once in a while though and having all my siblings married can make me feel like the ninth wheel. On top of that i have nieces and nephews that make me long for children.

  • Reply B 29 October 2013 at 12:32 am

    I forgot to let you know that you have really helped me and I’m saving your page to read again when i get freaked out.

  • Reply Sandy 29 October 2013 at 9:14 am

    I am 43 and LOVE being single! I have no desire to marry and am happy that way. About 5 years ago I finally got my mother to stop asking me when I was going to find a nice man and get married. My friends quit asking that question when I threatened to stop being friends with them. Around the age of 23 an elderly man asked me if I was married and I told him no then he asked me what was wrong with me. I told him nothing was wrong with me and I walked away. I’ve heard so many opinions and suggestions I have forgotten most of them. My usual answer to the question of why I am not married is because I am happy, I like my life the way it is, and I don’t need a man to complete me. God made me a complete person, not half a person waiting for the other half to show up and make me whole.

  • Reply 12 Essentials for Your Twenties: Practical advice for 20-somethings 29 October 2013 at 12:41 pm

    […] “Why are you still single?” (A single woman’s perspective on the dreaded question.… […]

  • Reply Joan 30 October 2013 at 6:25 am

    In all honesty, I’ve gotten this question more from men than from women. I’m only 23, but I’ve been single for the last two years, and I love it. I love being single. I love the freedom, I love the independence I have to pursue whatever career I want. I may or may not ever have children. I believe in economic and intellectual equality between men and women. If a woman (or a man) wants to be a homemaker, I applaud her (or him). I might come to a place in my life where that is also true of me, but for now, it is not. I get so frustrated when men tell me (I suppose thinking that they’re charming?) that I “just haven’t found my knight in shining armor yet.” Thank you, kind sir, but I looking for exactly no man to save me. From what he expects to save me, I have yet to discover. I think a part of the problem is that singlehood (singledom?) is looked at as a negative thing. It’s not! There is exactly nothing wrong with being single. In my opinion, it’s only when I’m not looking for a boyfriend that I ought to be entering into a relationship. Otherwise, I feel that I’m looking for someone to give to me and make me happy, rather than a mutually respectful relationship where we can help each other be happier not by what the other person gives me, but by what I give them. Until then, I’m happy developing myself on my own. Please stop telling me, world, that I need a boyfriend, or looking at me in such shock when I say I don’t want one. I’m not lying, I swear.

  • Reply Andi McBride 30 October 2013 at 10:46 am

    I wrote a post similar to this a year ago if you wanna check it out! I adore what you said. “The fact is, I was living a life full of relationships.” We aren’t less that whole because we’re single. I can live a full life with my saint bernard, being a single foster parent, and I don’t feel like I’m less for it. I’ll check out some of your other stuff. 🙂
    Part 1: Please stop trying to rescue me; I’m no damsel in distress
    http://blushingandi.wordpress.com/2010/09/04/hello-world/
    Part 2: I don’t know how to flirt and other reasons I’m single.
    http://blushingandi.wordpress.com/2012/10/20/i-dont-know-how-to-flirt-other-reasons-im-single/
    Andi McBride recently posted..love lists.My Profile

  • Reply Audrey 30 October 2013 at 3:20 pm

    I just wanted to say thank you for this post. I got married when I was 24, but I remember fielding this question at many family get-togethers and church gatherings starting as soon as I entered college til the time I started dating my husband. It gets so old fast. I know that Christians aren’t trying to paint the picture that a woman is out of God’s will if she isn’t dating/married, but that is what’s coming across to young ladies when they get this question all. the. time. What if that woman never gets married? She still has such an ability to impact eternity – maybe even more opportunities than a married woman would! Well-meaning Christians are putting relationship status above the will of God by asking this question. I wish instead we would encourage women to be in the God’s will!

  • Reply Jodi 31 October 2013 at 1:41 am

    I love this. I’m single only 24, but am surrounded by friends both single and married. One thing I want to say for my single friends. The ones, who are happy single but allow room in their heart for the hope that someday God will fulfill their longings, are the most pleasant people to be around. And leaving your homes I’ve been inspired many times. “if I am still single at their age. I want to be like them.”

  • Reply Andrew 31 October 2013 at 1:07 pm

    The apostle Paul covered this pretty well already in 1 Corinthians 7: “8 Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. 9 But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”

    Many people completely forget about that and just unconsciously perpetuate societal norms

  • Reply akhrie 21 January 2014 at 3:51 pm

    Thank you Sarah and Adriel for sharing a wonderful encouraging massage. N Martha i am going to use your line ‘I gave my love life to God and He is keeping it’ . God will give us strength, more patience and wisdom to choose the right partner

  • Reply 9 Inspiring Blog Posts about Singleness - Recklessly AliveRecklessly Alive 22 May 2015 at 5:48 am

    […]  1.) Why Are You Still Single […]

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    […] Myth #1: To not have a boyfriend/husband is to be alone. To be unloved. To be unchosen… read more. […]

  • Reply TheRealReasonWhyAGood Man Like Me Still Is 18 November 2015 at 6:16 am

    Well for a good man like me that is still Single today is that with so many women these days that are so very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, greedy, and very picky, really speaks for itself why we still are which we have No reason to ever Blame ourselves at all since so many women now have their Careers with a high paying salary which many of us men Don’t make. And many women today want the best and won’t settle for less which i am sure many other men will agree with me as well. Since society has Changed over the years so have the women too which many other friends of mine do agree 100 percent.

    • Reply Adriel Booker 16 December 2015 at 5:06 pm

      None of the single women I know fit that description at all. Sounds like you need to find a new set of friends if those are the only women you’re encountering. Or perhaps, you are unfairly assessing them. Having a good or high-paying career doesn’t equate with the long list of negative character traits you’ve listed.
      Adriel Booker recently posted..What does the Bible say? 50+ Bible verses about refugees and foreignersMy Profile

  • Reply TheRealGoodReasonWhyAGoodManLikeMeStillIsAgain 19 January 2016 at 2:28 am

    Well like i said with my last comment which i really do speak the truth, Most women have certainly changed today over the years when we had the real Good old fashioned women around that were certainly a lot Nicer and much Easier to meet years ago which today finding a Good woman like that for many of us Good men that are still Single today is very difficult. Many career women today will Never go with a man that makes much less Money than they do since many women today do carry a lot of Selfishness And Greed with them wherever they go which it is a real shame that Most of them i would say are really like that now. For many women today it is all about money since they want so much nowadays which years ago many women along with their men really had to Struggle to make ends meat, and Most women and men in those days had no choice but to Accept one another for who they were which Most marriages did work out as well. And it was so much Easier for our family members back then meeting each other since the times were Completely different than today as you can see. So there is a lot of Truth to my comment which you can see that i am really right which you may Not agree with me. I t was just too bad for me that i wasn’t born at a much earlier time back then since i definitely could’ve Avoided this mess today which i would’ve met the Right woman back then to be all Settled down by now with my own family since so many others out there today were very Blessed to have that Gift of life that i Never had since God has really Blessed them. Well the way i look at it is that so many others were very Extremely Lucky to find Love which many of us Weren’t. I do have to really say that i was just Born at a very bad time since i really do hate being Single and all Alone now since it is very Difficult for me finding Love today which i know for a fact that i am certainly Not Alone with this problem which i am sure many Good woman out there will Agree with me as well since many of them are having a very Difficult time Meeting a Good man to settle down with too. Peace.

    • Reply Adriel Booker 31 March 2016 at 1:14 pm

      Perhaps having an antagonistic attitude toward women is not helping you to meet one. I’m sorry you feel alone. I truly am. And I hope you find loved ones to fill that relational void. In saying that, you can’t blame this on the advancements of women over the last 100 years. Seriously mate, don’t even get me started.

      There is still a huge gap in terms of income equality between the genders and women trail far behind what men in their same positions earn, generally speaking. Among the couples I know where the woman is the primary income earner, the men feel secure in themselves and it is not a problem. These women don’t lord it over the men and the men don’t cower in insecurity. There is mutual respect and love. If a marriage is built on competition, I dare say it’s not a very good partnership to begin with.

      Again, I’m sorry you feel alone and overlooked. I don’t wish that upon anyone and in a perfect world everyone would meet their perfect match. Wouldn’t that be wonderful? But I absolutely cannot agree that the advancement of women is the problem here.
      Adriel Booker recently posted..Wings and roots: Of mixed metaphor and the search for homeMy Profile

      • Reply TheRealGoodReasonWhyAGoodManLikeMeStillIsAgain 19 April 2016 at 2:34 am

        Well many things that i have said with my last comment is very true and Not to be real mean which i had women that would tell me right to my face that they would rather date a man that makes Real Good money which was very insulting to me when many of us men do work real hard too for a living. And this just tells me how women have really Changed since the old days which years ago lets face it Most of them weren’t like that at all. Who cares how much money they make which really makes it very sad and insulting how women can be these days. If i met a Good woman that even makes mush Less money then i do, so what. Money isn’t everything anyway which i do really Believe that health is the most important thing nowadays. Peace.

  • Reply TheTruth 4 February 2016 at 11:37 pm

    A lot of us Good single men out there today are asking the same Question. Why?

  • Reply Kathy Heyne 4 March 2016 at 9:01 pm

    My favourite was always “You just give off this self sufficient aura that says ‘Don’t come near me. I don’t need you’.” Considering that I am and always have been a touchy, feely woman who hugs friends in the street, I never understood that or how I was supposed to change that. Now, I’m 51 thank God and don’t have to explain being single anymore!

    • Reply Adriel Booker 31 March 2016 at 1:19 pm

      Yup, Kathy, I hear you. I can totally related to that as well. But wow, I’m sorry it took so long for people to stop heckling you about being single. I’m glad you can be at peace more now. Apparently people’s inquisitions don’t actually make you meet someone that’s suitable. Imagine that. *sarcasm font* LOL

      Thanks for adding your experience here. It’s great to hear from a secure and confident single woman in her fifties. We love you and need your voice! 🙂
      Adriel Booker recently posted..Listen upMy Profile

  • Reply April 4 May 2016 at 10:31 pm

    This was very encouraging. I am soon to turn 32 and am very single. I have prayed very much for a husband and children. I woke up with a very heavy heart this morning. Sometimes I am great with being single knowing God is in control but at other times my unfulfilled desires,I admit, get the best of me.

  • Reply Victoria 6 June 2016 at 8:51 am

    Thank You! I have been single my whole life, and I’m in my midtwenties. People are constantly trying to set me up with people or give me suggestions on who to date. I know that they are trying to help and are “worried” (and honestly it worries me sometimes too), but it sometimes makes me feel ashamed of being single. I, like most single women, would love to someday be married. However, I feel that I am not entirely ready for the married life. Thank you for not making single women feel ashamed.

    • Reply Adriel Booker 7 June 2016 at 9:08 am

      I’m sorry you’ve sometimes felt ashamed to be single. Not helpful at all! 🙁

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