Pin It

Letters to a Grieving Mom: Open on Mother’s Day after Miscarriage

This is part of a series called Letters to a Grieving Mom to help women navigate significant milestones after miscarriage and pregnancy loss.

Dear Grieving Mom: Open on Mother's Day after Miscarriage

 

Dear Grieving Mom,

Mother’s Day. It’s hard isn’t it? I know.

Because I grew up in a healthy home with a mother I adored and a life relatively free of heartbreak, I never understood the pain many women experience on Mother’s Day. When I had my own children, I quickly formed ideas about what I deserved when Mother’s Day rolled around. I needed a day off, a massage, and fresh flowers to remind me that my sleepless nights and repetitive days meant something. Of course, I knew my mothering mattered to my children. I knew it mattered to God and to my husband as well. But I sometimes still felt unrecognized in the sacrifice—the push and pull and demand and responsibility of it all.

A few years of motherhood taught me that it’s pretty common to feel this way.

But what of women who grew up without a mother or with a mother who left them? What of those who lost a beloved mom to disease? And what of those who longed to become a mother but were holding out for the right husband? Or the wife who endures charts and pokes and tests and every month hopes for a result she’s never seen before?

Mother’s Day can be hard. Nothing has taught me this more than experiencing the loss of our babies.

You may not have other little ones in your home to give you kisses and help daddy make you a card covered with X’s and O’s like I did. But regardless if you’ve ever had children in your home losing a baby can turn Mother’s Day on its head.

For me, when Mother’s Day rolls around I always miss my babies again. I’m thankful for those I have (and realize many women don’t share that same kind of joy), but as much as I love my three sons, they will never replace the three babies I’ve lost. I’ll always miss them and miss what could have been.

I remember the Mother’s Day after losing our first baby to miscarriage. I was six weeks fresh in my grief and I dreaded facing that day without our baby. It felt wrong to celebrate motherhood when mine had been so marred by loss. I felt alone and disappointed. I felt hesitant, vulnerable, disoriented.

That day came and went and of course I survived. My husband thoughtfully included our baby in his card to me and he acknowledged our loss, validating all of my complicated emotions. But it doesn’t mean it was easy.

Each year since, I’ve learned to adjust my expectations for Mother’s Day and to do things that help me address the things within myownheart that no one else can see. For me this means considering other moms who may be hurting. It means doing something to serve women in need, not because I can save them, but because I amthem. Sometimes it means buying myself flowers, or stealing away to get really honest in my journal. Mostly it means slowly learning to count my blessings, even in the midst of my pain, and knowing that neither cancels the other out.

Dear mama, how are you feeling this Mother’s Day? Do you feel forgotten? Invisible? Lonely? Do you feel sad? Angry? Hurt? Please know that there’s room for all of you today. So you be you.

Some of you have not had any children other than the ones you’ve lost. You may even be wondering what this day means for you—do you count? Whether society sees you as a mother or not, let me speak this truth into your heart as clearly and directly as I can: You count. You’re a mother too. Regardless of the circumstances surrounding your fertility and pregnancy, your mother’s heart cracked open when you got pregnant and lost your baby. You’re in pain today because you’re a childless mother and that just hurts.

You may feel let down by your husband or friends or church or support network. They may not have recognized the significance or sensitivity of this day in the ways you had hoped. For that, I am sorry. It’s okay that you’re disappointed. In your disappointment, know this: God sees. He sees your pain and he cares how you feel. He will draw near to you in times of heartache—receive his comfort, surrender to his grace, ask for his healing, look to the hope he offers.

You are not alone. You count. I see you. God sees you.

He sees you.

He sees you.

He sees you.

Love,
Adriel

 


 

More posts in the Letters to a Grieving Mom series:

 


 

Resources to Help You Heal

For further resources to navigate grief after miscarriage and pregnancy loss, or to learn how to best support a friend experiencing loss, please visit my Miscarriage Stories and Resources page. You will also find a free grief journal and a free 7-day devotional.

If you’d like to go deeper in exploring how to grieve with hope, I’ve written a whole book for you:  Grace Like Scarlett: Grieving with Hope after Miscarriage and Loss (available at all major retailers).

Grace Like Scarlett: Grieving with Hope after Miscarriage and Loss by Adriel Booker

 

Grief Support Groups

Join us for an 8-week “Deep Dive” grief support group to help you navigate life after pregnancy loss. Find out more here.

June Deep Dive grief group with Adriel Booker

 

Pregnancy Loss Community

Join us at the kindest place on the internet: Our Scarlett Stories – online community, resource library, and more.

Our Scarlett Stories Pregnancy Loss Community with Adriel Booker

 

 

 

Pin for later reference:

Letter's to a Grieving Mom - Mother's Day after Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss

Featured Image by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Pin It

8 Comments

  • Reply Mary-Margaret Colloms 10 May 2018 at 2:09 am

    Thank you for sharing your story! We had two healthy children at the beginning of our marriage. Then, we lost 3 and have kind of lost hope we will have any more children. Miscarriage is a grief you just can’t grasp until you have been there. I long to rest in Jesus in this pain and grief, but I think mostly i have gritted my teeth through it all. Thank you again for sharing. I hope to get your book soon to learn how to live in the loss.

    • Reply Adriel Booker 25 May 2018 at 4:29 pm

      Hi Mary-Margaret. I’m so sorry for your losses. We also had two children, three miscarriages, and then another (living) baby after that. It is just so hard! From what you’ve shared here, I do believe my book can help you navigate some of that so you won’t need to keep gritting your teeth. It won’t magically take away your pain, but it will help you to dive deep and grieve with hope if you’re willing.

      Let me know how you go, okay? Bless you sis.

      p.s. I’ve also recently published a devotional on YouVersion if you’re interested. It’s based on the book, but obviously way shorter. 🙂
      Adriel Booker recently posted..A free 7-day devotional: Grieving with Hope after Miscarriage and LossMy Profile

  • Reply Kimberly 8 May 2020 at 1:39 pm

    I have been checking out your site recently and have been so inspired by your work. I love how you share God’s love with women!

    This article in particular touched me. We had a miscarriage in January this year after having two children through fertility treatments. We didn’t want to do treatment to try for a third, so that pregnancy was a sweet surprise! We were devastated when it ended early. I also feel like it was not really an acknowledged loss, as we hadn’t yet told most people we were expecting. We did tell a small few to ask for prayer when we started having complications, but my heart is still dealing with this unrecognized grief in so many ways. Thank you for sharing your stories and your faith-based encouragement.

  • Reply Stephanie 11 May 2020 at 2:49 am

    Thank you for this! I lost my son at 16 weeks in November. Last Saturday was his due date (thank you for that letter as well) and today feels like a repeat of the emotions I felt last week. I was looking forward to my first Mother’s day as a mom, and spending it with my baby. I am thankful that I’m carrying his little brother or sister (12 weeks pregnant) but still afraid that no one will acknowledge my motherhood today since I don’t have any children in my house. Thank you for the reminder that God sees me and knows my heart, and that there are other women going through the same heartbreak as me on this very complicated day.

    • Reply Adriel Booker 18 May 2020 at 2:19 pm

      Oh Stephanie, so many mixed emotions. I’m sorry you lost your son while also want to congratulate you on your newest baby. The human heart can never compartmentalise those things—joy and grief. It’s all mixed up together? Thinking of you today and praying your newest baby is healthy and strong.
      Adriel Booker recently posted..Deep Dive: Grief support groups after pregnancy lossMy Profile

  • Reply Alexandra 12 May 2020 at 4:44 pm

    Thank you for your post. I miscarried very early 5 years ago but the pain is still with me. Many days I feel fine and live happily and then suddenly, like this year the scar rips open anew and I’m left feeling such a burdensome, overwhelming grief and sadness. This Mother’s Day was especially difficult and I battled depression and the urge to cry all day. I found solace to privately grieve in my shower. I don’t have people in my life who understand and therefore feel more alone because of it. I have to repress it because this experience was outside of marriage and that brings my family pain or brings judgement upon me if I do share. My boyfriend was gone when I miscarried and therefore it isn’t the same to him… he just knows I’m in pain emotionally but doesn’t feel it himself. I have no one to share it with and no one understands when I do. I came here tonight because I just need it, even if that understanding is from a stranger on the internet. I’m praying but I sometimes wonder how I will ever fully heal.

    • Reply Adriel Booker 18 May 2020 at 2:23 pm

      I’m so sorry to hear of your loss, Alexandria, and also that you’ve felt so alone in it. Have you tried to join any kind of support group or something like that? We do have an online pregnancy loss community if you think something like that would help or if you need a safe space to process your feelings or join a small grief group.

      Thinking of you today and sending love. XO
      Adriel Booker recently posted..Deep Dive: Grief support groups after pregnancy lossMy Profile

    Leave a Reply