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The day I lost my baby

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Trigger warning: Death, miscarriage, pregnancy loss, D & C.

Disclaimer: Writing (and posting) this account is part of my process of dealing with my grief. It is long and raw and somewhat graphic, at least on an emotional level, but it’s what I need to do. Thanks for your grace as I pour it all out.

Pregnancy loss at 13 weeks pregnant. Last day with our baby.

 

(Written sometime during the wee hours of April 4-5, 2013.)

They took her from me today.

I knew it had to be so. Her body remained, but her heart stood still, silent.

We’ll never know exactly how long she was there, but not there. It was only a few weeks ago that we saw her heart beating strong on that precious black screen.

The flicker brought confidence. They say that once you see it, your chances of loss diminish to 3-5%.

But for days I had felt empty. For days I pushed thoughts away, taking comfort in the absence of scarlet.

Yet I remained in the fog of a fear unspoken.

Two days ago I broke my silence to confide in Ryan: I need to hear the baby’s heartbeat once more. It’s probably nothing, but I just don’t feel pregnant anymore…

I hated to even articulate the possibility and I rationalized that it must have been the change of trimesters that made all of my symptoms disappear.

I couldn’t wait until Friday when I would see my midwife and that familiar Doppler would run over my belly again.

And now, clothed in a faded blue gown they wheeled me to the operating theater, ceiling tiles and florescent lights passing endlessly above me. I dared not look to the right or the left in case I made eye contact with someone who’s tender gaze might trigger more tears.

After two days of suffocating sobbing and groaning and trying to breathe my body was weak and exhausted and my eyes were near swollen shut anyway. I was tired of crying, of feeling. I longed to be numb.

But numbness never came. I felt everything.

A nurse squeezed my hand. I cried.

I thought of Ryan alone in the waiting room. I cried again.

I imagined the boys playing at a friend’s house, blissfully unaware of what was happening to their mama today. I cried more.

They fumbled with needles and veins and triple- and quadruple-checked my name and date of birth and had me verify signatures on consent forms. I kept right on crying.

Someone asked me if I needed a moment and I assured her that I didn’t. I’m not sure that I’ve stopped crying since the awful moment in the dark room where time stood still as the sonographer told us there was no heartbeat. (Was that really only yesterday?) I sure as hell knew I wasn’t going to finish my crying now.

No, not now as they prepared to take her.

At some point you begin to wonder if there are any tears left. But it doesn’t take long to realize there are more. Always more. It’s just that at times like this they come hard and fast and hot, soon after you thought just maybe you’d caught your breath enough to grasp at some composure for a tiny, brief interlude.

But composure is for acceptance speeches and job interviews and thoughtful conflict resolution. It’s not for mothers standing face-to-face with the death of their child and their dream and the life that they once knew.

I blinked as soft tears continued down my cheeks and rolled onto my neck, while kind and caring doctors and nurses met me with eyes of compassion and extended soft voices as they instructed me on what was about to take place.

Except for one. (Why does there always seem to be one?)

What difference does it make? She snapped when I asked to know the gender of our baby. It makes no difference. Why do you need to know?

My jaw dropped in disbelief and I could feel the cold stares of the others in the room toward her – willing the young surgeon to stop before I became completely undone.

It’s personal, I muttered, stumbling and cracking over my words. I can’t explain, but I just need to know. It’s personal. It’s just personal.

It makes no difference, she snapped again. It’s not standard procedure. Why do you need to know?

Though already broken I was breaking all over again: It’s personal, it’s personal, it’s just personal, I sobbed over and over, wishing Ryan was there to speak for me as I crumbled under the weight of my inability to string more than two words together.

And that was it. She crossed it – the fragile line of my sanity – and I lost grip of the calm.

I raged against the stranger—my enemy in sterile uniform—reminding her that I had just. lost. my. child. (had she forgotten?) as curse words stormed in my head. But instead of finding their way out through words, the wailing returned instead. Not weeping born out of sadness, but sobbing and gasping of outrage and frustration, fear mixed with fire.

The truth is, I was glad to have someone to be mad at.

She had nothing to do with death or my baby or the dark night of my soul, but she was there – the one rostered on to scrape my girl from the hollow tomb inside my belly into the cold, sterile world of an operating theater where she would package her up in plastic and send her to a laboratory where they’d look for chromosomal abnormalities and clues so they could categorize her and turn her into someone else’s statistic.

All I needed to know was her gender, but I couldn’t—can’t—explain why.

It’s personal.

I wailed and the stranger left.

So I felt it – her seeming indifference – and it cut the gaping wound deeper.

I was a number to her. She called my baby “product” to dispose of. This was a procedure to her, not a life-altering right of passage that a mother in my shoes would give anything to escape.

How could I not be angry?

Eventually the wailing gave way to breathing again.

In and out.

In and out.

She returned to the room and I apologized for lashing out. I’m no hero but I set my heart on letting go for she knew not what she was doing. Truly. And I knew that.

More importantly, I didn’t want to go into surgery with anger as my lingering emotion. Sadness yes, but not anger. More than anything I couldn’t bear the thought of rage suffocating my last moments with our baby. It just wasn’t right.

As I squeaked out an I’m sorry she cut me off with more justifying remarks about her insensitive line of reasoning. Unable to bear it, I turned away desperately wishing I could somehow make her stop. the. talking. when a nurse leaned in close and whispered that I needn’t apologize for anything right now. She shook her head and without words said, this young doctor has no idea; she doesn’t know our pain. (And I knew that nurse had lost a child, too.)

I closed my eyes and let more tears wash my breaking heart, letting go of the stranger interfering with my peace and taking hold of The Only One Who Really Knows.

Soon after, I woke up in recovery knowing it was finished.

I felt relieved and tired and sad and at peace… and yet very, very empty.

It was just me. Alone. Never again mother and child (this child) sharing form and body. The finality was heavy.

But soon, love returned. In walked a tall man in the shape of my husband (who’s shape looks like Jesus) and I knew I was never really alone.

There have been oceans of tears in the hours between then and now (a night has still not passed), but sitting here in the quiet of my home while my babies sleep with only the sound of crickets harmonizing with my keys, I rest in my soul.

I do – I rest.

The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. –Psalm 38:18

How I feel that now. Though raw and exposed, I feel covered somehow. And I realize this presence is a gift and I need it and want it and feel it and receive it.

The anguish remains but I know in my depths that things will be okay. It seems not that long ago that I was saying it first: I will be okay. Strong and fragile, we will be okay. (And we were.)

He’s gone before me. Though still hazy, I can see Jesus a little more clearly now.

(Have I yet mentioned the Peace? Because it’s there, friends. It’s so tangibly, painfully, beautifully there.)

This will not be an open and shut chapter of our lives. I know that. I know myself.

I feel deeply. I love intensely. There will come questions and wrestling and fears and insecurities. I will write and write and pray and write. (And writing will be my prayer.) And I will talk about my baby, and my pregnancy, and my heartache. And I will listen. I will open my eyes again. I will try to learn.

And I will know the loss of our child until the end of my days.

But I will also know healing. It will come. In time. And with prayer. Unhurried and yet complete. I hope for it, and I will look for it.

As the joy of my boys and the love of my husband and the support of my village and the Peace That Surpasses slowly saturate my bones, I will learn how to breathe and move and hope again.

“Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the Lord, who has compassion on you. –Isaiah 54:10

Because even now—drowning in grief and pain—I can smile at how our baby was conceived: in love, with intention, in grace, and with a whisper and nudge from heaven. She was always, always meant to be.

I cannot understand how she was not meant to be for longer, but I do know that she was forever meant to be.

Your eyes saw my unformed body;
 all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. –Psalm 139:15-16

Selah.

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153 Comments

  • Reply Greta 7 April 2013 at 1:30 pm

    Beautiful, heartfelt, deep, raw. ! I wish I could give you a hug Adriel. I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter! You are in my prayers

    • Reply Adriel Booker 7 April 2013 at 11:57 pm

      thanks greta. i’d very much like a hug from you. 🙂

  • Reply Becky 7 April 2013 at 1:32 pm

    Oh, Adriel! My heart is breaking for your loss. There are no words. I will be praying for you and your family.

    • Reply Adriel Booker 7 April 2013 at 11:57 pm

      appreciate your prayers becky. we certainly feel them. x

  • Reply Rochelle Dunsbergen 7 April 2013 at 1:35 pm

    Such a raw and beautiful entry. Thank you for sharing. My heart breaks over your loss and I feel raw as I picture your experience with the surgeon. I wonder what pain has closed her off? Oh it makes me sad. You are on my mind and heart, even though we’ve never met. Praying Jesus is near to you and you are sailing deeper and deeper into the knowledge of His Great Love for you.

    • Reply Adriel Booker 8 April 2013 at 12:02 am

      you know rochelle, i really just think she saw it as a medical procedure. i don’t think she intended to be hurtful at all, but more that she was trying to be efficient in her job. i think she honestly couldn’t understand where i was coming from or why i thought my request was so important. of course that’s just my assessment so there could be more too it, but it seems she was just unable to see from any other vantage point than that of a surgeon with a long list of cases to get through. i suppose i’ll never really know.

  • Reply Jessica W 7 April 2013 at 1:37 pm

    Oh friend. I’m so so sorry for the pain. Thank you for opening your heart so fully to share your experience. We must share so the world will know there is a deep, deep connection between a mother and her unborn child. I am praying for continued peace and rest. Wish I was there to hug you.
    Jessica W recently posted..Meet Mattie Mae Designs, Cradle Rock and What’s In The BibleMy Profile

    • Reply Adriel Booker 8 April 2013 at 12:03 am

      Wish you were too, Jess. I’ve thought of you a lot these last several days. x

  • Reply Amy 7 April 2013 at 1:39 pm

    I am so very sorry for your loss. Praying for you now.

  • Reply Holly 7 April 2013 at 1:56 pm

    Adriel, I am so sorry for the loss of your precious little one. Thank you for writing this. I am still processing my own loss two weeks ago and your post has made a difference for me today. I am praying for peace and healing for you.

    • Reply Adriel Booker 8 April 2013 at 12:05 am

      Oh dear one, nooo. No! I’m so sorry that you are walking this road too. It is just too sad, too awful. Thank you for letting me know. I will be remembering you in my prayers too. (I would hug you if I could!) xx

  • Reply Michie 7 April 2013 at 2:03 pm

    Oh, Adriel, my heart hurts for you and I’m so very sorry to hear this sad news. I appreciate your honesty in writing this. Sending lots of you love to you and your family.

  • Reply Bo Stern 7 April 2013 at 2:06 pm

    Adriel, you have planted your words in the soil here as a beautiful, permanent witness to your baby’s life. This post honors her and it honors the Creator who allowed her to live every single moment surrounded by love. Trusting that same love to surround you and your men in all the days to come.

    • Reply Adriel Booker 8 April 2013 at 12:08 am

      Thank you friend. Yes, she was always, always surrounded by love (and still is). Thank you for reminding me of that beautiful truth.

      And yes, may our whole family receive it too. Amen and amen.

  • Reply Ashlie 7 April 2013 at 2:08 pm

    I’ve written this a few times now and I can’t seem to put into words how I feel for you and your family. The deepest pain and sorrow just doesn’t even begin to say what I want to say. I am so so sorry for your family and will be praying for your healing.
    Ashlie recently posted..On the subject of…My Profile

    • Reply Adriel Booker 8 April 2013 at 12:09 am

      thank you ashlie. i understand – sometimes there are just no words. (even as a writer with many words, i feel that too.) i appreciate your prayers and concern and kindness. x

  • Reply Jill Janse van Rensburg 7 April 2013 at 2:10 pm

    Adriel:

    Thanks so much for sharing your story/process with us. I’m sitting here and crying and crying and crying. I’ve not known this depth of loss, but my heart is with you and I am truly praying for you and for His grace in this season. Love you, friend, keep us updated. Thanks for being so real.

    • Reply Adriel Booker 8 April 2013 at 12:12 am

      thank you so much jill. i’m so grateful for your friendship and sisterhood. you don’t need to have walked this road to be powerful and effective in your prayer. so thank you, we feel it. xx

  • Reply Anna Goforth 7 April 2013 at 2:17 pm

    Adriel, You are right. It does matter; knowing the gender of your little one is vital and precious. I am so sorry for the way that medical professional treated you. You had EVERY right to know. Prayers and heart hugs to you, sweet sister in Christ.

    • Reply Adriel Booker 8 April 2013 at 12:13 am

      thanks anna. i could not imagine spending the rest of my life referring to our baby as an “it”. just seems so impersonal and cold. thank you for your prayers. x

  • Reply Melissa Cools 7 April 2013 at 2:22 pm

    I cannot imagine going through this…. I’m shocked and saddened at the experience you had with the doctor – I’m so sorry that you were treated like that in such a time of grief. I will continue praying for you Adriel. May His faithful, powerful and wonderful healing fill your heart. May His peace that passes all understanding wrap tangibly around you. Let yourself grieve and feel and heal (anger is a part of that too!). He is close to you.

    • Reply Adriel Booker 8 April 2013 at 12:14 am

      he is close melissa – i feel it. thank you for holding us in prayer. we need it… and probably need it even more than we know. xx

  • Reply Yvonne 7 April 2013 at 2:49 pm

    I am so sorry Adriel. My heart aches for you.

  • Reply Debbie Eshelman 7 April 2013 at 3:21 pm

    Pryaing for you and your guys…thank you for expressing in words what I felt 32 years ago and couldn’t articulate. I was waiting for Heather to give birth to our first grandchild on my birthday this year (10 days ago) and remembering another birthday 32 years ago when we said goodbye to our first little one to be at 14 weeks. I can tell you that His love is what sustains you in the hard places and you are so very right she was forever meant to be. Praying for your healing and His comfort in your hearts.

    • Reply Adriel Booker 8 April 2013 at 12:18 am

      thank you so much sweet debbie. i’m so sorry that you’ve walked this road before me. too many mothers (and fathers) have had to let go of babies. it’s so sad, so hard. i appreciate your prayers and receive your encouragement.

      now, am i reading this correctly that heather had her baby on your birthday? seriously?? congratulations all around are in order. that is just wonderful, wonderful news. congrats, proud grandma. may you have many opportunities to spoil that little one as all grandmas should. xx

  • Reply Laura 7 April 2013 at 3:38 pm

    Aren’t we fortunate that those beautiful words in the Psalms are truth? And that we love with hope? I don’t see how I could stand the tragedy and pain of life sometimes without that amazing assurance! Praying for your body to heal quickly. Praying for your sweet family to have joy. I’m so so sorry for your loss.

  • Reply Audrey 7 April 2013 at 4:01 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for your words. Much love xox

  • Reply Jules 7 April 2013 at 4:45 pm

    Hey Adriel, am so sorry to hear about your loss. Your writing is beautiful about a much loved little person. I too lost one last year and identify with your heart. All my love, Jules x

    • Reply Adriel Booker 8 April 2013 at 12:20 am

      oh jules, no. i’m so sorry to hear that. a big, mutual hug would be good for both of us. i love you. xx

  • Reply Judith Wilkinson 7 April 2013 at 5:56 pm

    My dearest friend – your words were wonderful and I believe an honouring tribute to your dear sweet girl. As I read, in and amongst my tears, I just kept thinking about ‘her’ – heart broken that she could not be with you for longer – but grateful for what time you did have with her and assured that she is with our dear Father in Heaven just waiting till such time to see you, her mom, Ryan, her daddy & her brothers Levi & Judah. She will never be forgotten! We pray God will continue to give you all the strength and grace to walk through your loss – we love you guys! Jude

    • Reply Adriel Booker 8 April 2013 at 12:21 am

      oh jude, *tears*! thank you sweet friend. we love you too. xx

  • Reply Rachel 7 April 2013 at 9:15 pm

    Thank-you for sharing this. My heart is truly broken for you.
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  • Reply Mothering From Scratch 7 April 2013 at 9:35 pm

    {Kathy} God bless you, brave woman. Your story has not been told in vain. The pain and grief are there for others now. Peace be with you.
    Mothering From Scratch recently posted..a letter to my 25-year-old mommy selfMy Profile

  • Reply Stephanie 7 April 2013 at 11:32 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I have no words, but my heart is broken.

  • Reply Hillary 8 April 2013 at 12:42 am

    Oh, Adriel. Bless your heart; my heart broke a million times over reading this. I lost our baby at almost this exact same time, and your experience with the doubting pregnancy to the horrible lack of compassion that the doctor displayed–I’m so very sorry. (I passed my baby into the toilet and wanted them to retrieve it –they flushed it instead, claiming I was “seeing things.”

    On another note –that was a time that I felt like I hit rock bottom. I didn’t get out of bed for days–a week almost. I cried and cried and cried, and the worst times were nighttimes. But the thing that happened ultimately is that I grew in my walk with the Lord. I appreciated the little things so much more, and for awhile, I did harbor bitterness and great sadness, but that has since subsided (it’s been 5.5 years now–wow!) – I don’t “appreciate” the experience, but I appreciate the use of God’s love and redirection.

    I’m thinking of you, sweet love. It does get easier, but for now, it’s okay to question and to cry, and to have an unexpected range of emotions.

    Sending so much love your way!
    Hillary recently posted..UBP 2013My Profile

    • Reply Adriel Booker 10 April 2013 at 11:26 pm

      thank you hillary. i’m so sad that you’ve had to experience this, too. it really is awful, but i’m glad you’ve found peace and purpose on the other side. xx

  • Reply Gary Morland 8 April 2013 at 1:39 am

    Thank you for every word of your beautiful, painful story, and for the sacrifice of praise. I hope you experience the Living Christ in fresh ways that comfort you and continue to bless others.

  • Reply Livy 8 April 2013 at 1:43 am

    I read your post last night and could not bring myself to comment because I just didn’t want to see that this has happened to you. It is so sad to lose a child and in this way it can be especially difficult as those around often do not understand the grief, nor share in it. I remember the sting all to well from many of the comments that came from medical staff as well as friends.

    I will pray for you. The only comfort I have as a believer is that one day we will get to meet our children and take them into arms that have waited so long to hold them.

    • Reply Adriel Booker 10 April 2013 at 11:28 pm

      that brings me such comfort too, livy. i hate that you’ve “been there”, but i’m so glad you know the peace of jesus. x
      Adriel Booker recently posted..He is with us. Really.My Profile

  • Reply Heather Tennant-Salvesen 8 April 2013 at 2:54 am

    Oh my sweet friend… It took me a half hour to read your masterpiece of the soul- I kept having to pause to regain composure, but by the end I just said forget it and let the tears fall. Thank you thank you for so beautifully and authentically sharing and illustrating your difficult journey with us Adriel. Oh the courage. I imagine your precious girl whole and healthy with a perfect new body sitting on her Heavenly Fathers lap, shining. What joy when you are reunited with her. Through the suffering and grief and pain and sorrow may our Jesus mend your brokeness and blanket you securely with His peace that surpasses all understanding my friend. “Peace I give to you my peace, I give to you, I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your heart be troubled.” I can’t help but think of the future lives you will touch and the gifts you will bestow and the hope you will restore and the comfort you will bring and the kingdom work you will accomplish because of the grace, beauty, authenticity, and faith with which you process your loss. This blog alone is the greatest testimony to the God you serve and the covering he has, and will continue to have over you and your family as you mourn and heal and mourn and heal. I love you and I’m amazed and inspired by you. My prayers are yours my friend- wish I could be there for you. Xoxo

  • Reply Monica Anderson 8 April 2013 at 4:23 am

    Adriel,
    I sit here crying tears as I remember going through this myself. Not as far along as you, but 3 times in one year. It only gets better as the days pass. Finally we are trying again and I am so scared. But reading your story makes me feel not alone. Thank you for posting. Beautiful words.

    • Reply Adriel Booker 10 April 2013 at 11:36 pm

      Oh Jesus, be with Monica. Cover her, reassure her, draw her near. Thank you that you have walked before her, every step, every turn she will ever have to make. Heal her heart as she leans into your grace. Hear her cry and give her a child, Lord! Amen and amen and amen and amen.

      Monica, my heart breaks for your loss. I truly can’t imagine being in your shoes. I know you don’t feel brave right now, and that’s okay. You don’t need to be brave, you need to be courageous. Courage is choosing to trust him when the odds are stacked against you, choosing to trust him when you are afraid. And that’s what you are doing, courageous woman! Courageous mother of three precious little ones waiting for you in heaven! I will be praying for you every time you come to my mind, dear one. And remember, He is for you, not against you. xx
      Adriel Booker recently posted..This ground is holyMy Profile

  • Reply Mandy@ a sorta fairytale 8 April 2013 at 5:14 am

    Oh my dear friend, I am so sorry for your loss!! Though I have never been through something this horrible, close friends and family have, and my heart broke for them, as it does for you. Thank you for opening up and sharing your painful experience. I know it must have been hard for you, but I believe it will make you stronger. My thoughts & prayers are with you and your sweet angel. xoxox
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  • Reply Becca 8 April 2013 at 6:55 am

    My heart breaks for you and your sweet family. I’m so thankful that His peace is present and that He holds your precious daughter. Thank you for sharing from this beautiful place of brokenness.
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  • Reply Dominika 8 April 2013 at 7:06 am

    I just hug you and pray for you Adriel, and your family. You have got a girl-angel in heaven … it is sure.
    with love, Dominika from Poland

    • Reply Adriel Booker 10 April 2013 at 11:37 pm

      thank you precious dominka. i’m grateful for your love and prayers, my dear polish beauty. xx
      Adriel Booker recently posted..This ground is holyMy Profile

  • Reply Rachel 8 April 2013 at 10:46 am

    Oh, how I’m heartbroken for you, Adriel. I’m so sorry. I am amazed at the eloquence and strength which you wrote about your journey and your sweet daughter. Your words will surely touch so many mamas in the days to come.

    There are no words adequate for such a loss, but you have been in my daily prayers since you shared on IG. I will continue to lift you up to Him in the weeks and months to come.

    Love from Indiana. xo
    Rachel {A Cupcake for Moose}

  • Reply Amber 8 April 2013 at 10:48 am

    Thank you for sharing your story. Your honesty is inspiring. I wish I knew the right words to say, but I just wanted to at least say I’m so sorry you are hurting and horribly sorry for your loss.
    Amber recently posted..Easter eggs and finding traditions.My Profile

    • Reply Adriel Booker 10 April 2013 at 11:39 pm

      unfortunately, there aren’t really any “right” words to say, are there? but i do appreciate yours. thank you amber.
      Adriel Booker recently posted..He is with us. Really.My Profile

  • Reply Jessica 8 April 2013 at 12:58 pm

    Adriel, I have been thinking of you much lately. I’ve had this urge, this voice saying to check on you via your blog. I’ve been so busy that usually I would forget, but tonight, I remembered and I’m glad I did.

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Please know that my prayers and well wishes are with you. And even though I never have time it seems to read my favorite blogs, I do think of you often. Lots of love and hugs.

    Love,
    Jessica
    Jessica recently posted..Words to InspireMy Profile

    • Reply Adriel Booker 10 April 2013 at 11:40 pm

      thanks jessica. i’m sorry this has to be the news to “catch up” on. appreciate your prayers, friend. x
      Adriel Booker recently posted..This ground is holyMy Profile

  • Reply Karen Shlegeris 8 April 2013 at 1:33 pm

    Love you Adriel. Loss of a baby, even one we haven’t yet held in our arms, is so hard. Our experiences are different but there are so many of us who know the feelings of loss of a little one we’ve held so many dreams and plans for. Only One knows the answer to why and we have to trust that. Take care dear one. Sending much love from Karenxxx

  • Reply Jess S 8 April 2013 at 2:57 pm

    Adriel, I don’t even have words except to say that I’ve been there, and I hurt to the very bottom of my heart for you. I pray that you and Ryan will grieve this loss together, as one, and that you will cling to The Lord as you do, the two things that we most struggled with as we walked this path. And how I respect your desire to know your baby’s gender. I would’ve given anything to know with the three that we lost this way. Thank you for being brave enough to share. It wasn’t until I began to open up a bit about our experience that I learned how far too many of us lose these littles before we know them on the outside. But that doesn’t make the time we knew them on the inside any less precious. No matter how small the footprints, they are never too little to leave imprints on our hearts.

    • Reply Adriel Booker 10 April 2013 at 11:42 pm

      that’s right jess. and thank you for your prayers, coming from a place of empathy and wisdom. i’m so sorry that you’ve had to deal with this same pain. it’s so hard. grace to you, too. x
      Adriel Booker recently posted..This ground is holyMy Profile

  • Reply He is with us. Really. 8 April 2013 at 8:20 pm

    […] I wrote the story of our baby’s death in the early morning hours of last night – the day of my surgery – while emotions were raw and […]

  • Reply Crystal 8 April 2013 at 9:16 pm

    I know these emotions all too well. You are in my thoughts.
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  • Reply Kirstin 8 April 2013 at 11:42 pm

    Beautifully written and so touching. My heart breaks for you. I am so sorry for your loss. We have had 2 miscarriages as well, though early on. How brave of you to share your story. <3

  • Reply Jenna 9 April 2013 at 2:15 am

    Raw and beautiful. I feel the weight of your pain in every word yet know that healing is on its way for you and your family. My prayers are with you all during this time. This song has been on repeat at my house for a week now and I hope it speaks to you.

  • Reply Jill Ludwig 9 April 2013 at 4:32 am

    I have blurred vision while I write this due to the tears streaming down my face. I’ve never experienced this, death of a child. I had great fear of this happening with our firstborn, so much that I didn’t dare tell anyone we were pregnant, because miscarrigaes with the first pregnancy is so prevalant among the women of both sides of my family. However, a few weeks after I learned that I was pregnant, God reassured me that our baby, Eva, was going to be fine. This faith and assurance was tested again the day she was born when we almost lost her, but Adam and I held onto God’s promise and he brought her through it. Although, I don’t know the pain you are feeling right now, I do understand some of it to a degree from that day that I delivered Eva.

    Thank you for sharing, thank you for believing in our creator and that He does work all things together for the good of those who remain in Him. Thank you for again reminding me of how much our daughter, Eva, is truely a miracle child! Bless you and I continue to pray for you and Ryan and your boys. Hugs!

    • Reply Adriel Booker 10 April 2013 at 11:49 pm

      thank you, sweet, sweet jill. i feel the love. and thank you for your prayers for ryan and i. we need it. x
      Adriel Booker recently posted..He is with us. Really.My Profile

  • Reply Krystle 9 April 2013 at 8:20 am

    I know I have written to you a few times….

    this brought back so much emotion for me. it was only hard to read because i could relate to so much- but you put it to words so good and so beautifully.

    this raw heartache. this vulnerability that so many shy away from sharing…this is the stuff that God works in and uses. So thank you for sharing with us such an incredibly hard time and letting us walk through this with your family.

    i took our sonogram pictures and dried some flowers people brought us and stuck them in a shadowbox along with some scripture that God gave me during our time of loss. it is a treasured box that I can use in the future with our boys and telling them the story and about God’s healing.

    I also got a necklace from this website ( http://www.labelledame.com/) with the forget-me-not charm and the stone of the color of the month baby was conceived (to celebrate when life began) Something tangible for me was important .

    So thankful you have friends there to help with meals and such. Wish I could provide more support than my prayers and comments.

    Continuing to trust Him with you in this process.
    Krystle recently posted..Earth Monkey Moms!My Profile

    • Reply Adriel Booker 10 April 2013 at 11:51 pm

      thank you for your friendship and your continued concern this last week. it’s so special to me.

      i love that you used the birth stone from the conception month. i think that is so, so beautiful. you’re such a wonderful mother. xx
      Adriel Booker recently posted..This ground is holyMy Profile

  • Reply Nessa 9 April 2013 at 12:24 pm

    Oh my – I could not stop the tears while reading just the title. I am so deeply sorry. You little girl’s life was terribly brief, but she has a place with Him that is forever. I am praying for speedy dulling of this pain and loss – as I know it does not disappear completely. I pray for you strength, rest and an immense amount of love.
    Nessa recently posted..GratefulMy Profile

  • Reply Megan 9 April 2013 at 4:20 pm

    Oh, Adriel. There are no words. My heart breaks for you and grieves with you, and your account was so raw and painful to read, but I’m so thankful you’re experiencing His peace through this time – even in the darkest valley, He is with us, and He is good, isn’t He? Love and prayers for continued peace and healing, friend. XO.

  • Reply This ground is holy « The Mommyhood Memos 10 April 2013 at 6:38 pm

    […] When we lost her I knew immediately that I wanted a necklace to wear on days when I especially missed her – a diamond for April when she left the safety of my womb, and a pearl for the gates of heaven where she entered into a whole new kind of safe. (The kind that we all long for.) […]

  • Reply Brittany 11 April 2013 at 12:35 am

    I am greatly sorry for your loss. I too am going through a tough loss. On April 4 suffered a miscarriage, the second one in 5 months. I know the pain you are feeling. Some of the raw emotion you are writing about, I feel too. It is like you have pulled some of the words right out of my heart. I will pray for you and your little. The only comfort I take is knowing our babies never had to experience pain and heart break of this awful world we live in, they were born into Jesus’ arms. We both have pretty special angels watching over us and one day we will be reunited. I hope this helps. I know there is nothing anyone can say that will make anything better.

    • Reply Adriel Booker 16 April 2013 at 12:54 am

      Oh Brittany, you dear, dear girl. I’m SO sorry to hear of your news. It really is the worst kind, isn’t it? And that you’ve now gone through it twice. There are just no words…

      I’ll be praying for you – you’re the second one I’ve heard from that miscarried on the same day as I did. It’s all so fresh and raw still. HUGS+tears. xo
      Adriel Booker recently posted..This ground is holyMy Profile

  • Reply Liz Hinchliffe 11 April 2013 at 12:57 pm

    Adriel…Your heart consistently brings me back to what and who is truly important in life…Family and God. For I am so easily side tracked. Thank you for sharing this. I admire you…so much Adriel…who you are…a marvelous human being. Love U.

    • Reply Adriel Booker 16 April 2013 at 12:56 am

      Thank you Liz. Unfortunately I think we’re all easily side-tracked at times. And then we get these larger-than-life reality checks that jolt us back into remembering what’s really important. It’s hard, but there’s a certain beauty in it, too. xx
      Adriel Booker recently posted..He is with us. Really.My Profile

  • Reply We don’t feel brave, but we do feel loved. (A family update – part 1) | the bookers down under 12 April 2013 at 4:37 pm

    […] I wrote our story of losing the baby here. But a warning, it’s pretty raw, so just be prepared for that if you decide to read it. Share […]

  • Reply You’ve asked, so we’re telling: This is how you can help (A family update – part 2) | the bookers down under 12 April 2013 at 4:38 pm

    […] Come over and be with us. Ask me her story and let me tell it all over again. Re-hash the Voice. Talk about crazy North Korea’s threat of […]

  • Reply Sarah 12 April 2013 at 6:59 pm

    Adriel,

    I just want to hug you right now… My heart really hurts for you all.. Love and hugs and you are in my prayers..

  • Reply Alicia 13 April 2013 at 6:23 am

    Oh sweet mumma, there are no words to express the depth of heartbreak I feel as I read your story. Thank you for sharing it. Thank you for your raw vulnerability. You and your family are in my prayers.

  • Reply Laura 15 April 2013 at 9:36 pm

    Adriel, I know this pain as well, and you have ministered beautifully here with your story. I’m so sorry you have had to walk this road of loss, and my prayers are with you and your family as you process and heal.

  • Reply She’s having a baby – a book baby – and I’m so excited. « The Mommyhood Memos 16 April 2013 at 12:51 am

    […] a bit the same now – I’m wondering how do I write about anything other than what happened last week? (Though I certainly know that you, dear friends, aren’t sitting on the edge of your seats […]

  • Reply Summer-Lea Rivito 18 April 2013 at 3:56 pm

    First I want to say I am deeply sorry for your loss. I have never lost a child, but I have plenty of friends who have and one in particular I was with when her child was born and then 24 hours later taken from her. It was the most difficult thing for me to witness. It was emotionally tragic for me to witness someone else to lose their child. I can imagine it is 100% worse for you and the mothers losing those children. God obviously had a plan for her. I can see how strong you are even though I do not know you. I would come completely undone and could never be put back together in this situation. God walks with us in every hour and every second of every day and he gives us our strength to move forward. God bless. Whenever I feel alone in a horrible situation I bring myself to remember this poem because in all of our lives this is true….

    One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
    Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
    In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
    Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
    other times there were one set of footprints.

    This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life,
    when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat,I could see only one set of footprints.

    So I said to the Lord,
    “You promised me Lord, that if I followed you, you would walk with me always.
    But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
    there have only been one set of footprints in the sand.
    Why, when I needed you most, you have not been there for me?”

    The Lord replied, “The times when you have seen only one set of footprints, is when I carried you.”
    Mary Stevenson

    Always in my Prayers,

    Summer-Lea
    Summer-Lea Rivito recently posted..Baby Sylas’ QuiltMy Profile

  • Reply Andrew Frazer 18 April 2013 at 9:45 pm

    Thank you for courageously sharing one word at a time. You are a women of courage, honesty & gentleness. You are an incredible mother. My prayers are with Ryan, the boys & yourself my friend.

  • Reply Dana Doll 18 April 2013 at 11:31 pm

    Keep writing Adriel. How I wish I could come over to be with you, or take your beautiful boys out to play. Hard to believe the last time we shared a night out we were both single, trying to sort out the complicated pieces of that season of life. Over 10 years ago. Sending many prayers and hugs from here.

  • Reply Tiffany Fast 19 April 2013 at 4:15 am

    Adriel and family,

    I am so sorry that you have gone through this loss. Embrace your sadness, but don’t let it overcome you–as I know you won’t. I believe you will help many others, in a whole new way, in times of loss and sorrow because of this. I do not believe God would create this situation, but I do believe He will use it for good and incorporate it into His plan. I am praying for you.

    Hugs & Blessings,
    Tiffany

  • Reply Touching base & letting you in on a few secrets - The Mommyhood Memos 28 April 2013 at 7:44 am

    […] still grieving and healing from the loss of our baby and I’m trying to blend my external world with my interior life. Earlier this week I went to […]

  • Reply Nat 28 April 2013 at 8:22 am

    Oh Adrielle, I am so sorry for the loss of your precious precious daughter. I also know your passion, having a stillborn who would be 19 months now. Tears welled in my eyes as I read of your pain, and they spilled over reading about how you and your baby were treated, that same anger came to the surface. I’m so sorry she did not value your baby or your feelings, how can someone so heartless be in such a position? Absolutely you need to know the gender, so you csn name your baby if you wish to. She is no less a baby and no less deserves love and respect than any other child.
    Let the grief ride its course, some days you will feel human again, and others very much not. I pray God’s peace will be close by, and that the Holy Spirit will comfort you in each moment ahead.
    Thank you so much for sharing your baby and your pain with us. While you have probably done this for yourself mostly, you will have blessed many women by speaking out your pain, those women who have not been given opportunity to speak their pain of babyloss. Through your words, many babies are validated today.
    praying for you and your boys through this time.

    • Reply Adriel 9 May 2013 at 10:40 pm

      “Through your words, many babies are validated today.” –> Oh, I do hope so. I love that thought – thank you.

      We’ve named her now – Scarlett Grace. 🙂

      Thank you for your kindness and encouragement Nat. It’s hard but I’m so comforted by the Lord and by those who’ve reached out to us. xo
      Adriel recently posted..When half the world is living in poverty…My Profile

  • Reply Alicia 8 May 2013 at 3:23 am

    This made me cry. But it also brought me peace and some healing as well. I especially love the verses you posted, they spoke right to me. See, we both lost little girls at around the same time. On Easter Sunday, we announced we were expecting our 3rd child, and on April 18th I brought her into the world. I was 13 weeks 4 days pregnant. I had a natural birth-miscarriage at home with my husband there to support me. We named her Charlotte Faith. It hurts a lot knowing that we were supposed to have an October baby, but had an April baby instead. But one day at time, with Jesus by my side, makes all the difference in the world. Prayers for you and your family.

    • Reply Alicia 8 May 2013 at 3:26 am

      I also forgot to mention that we also have two other children. A daughter who is almost 3 and half and son who just turned 11 months.

    • Reply Adriel 9 May 2013 at 10:44 pm

      Oh Alica, I’m so, so sorry for your loss and your pain. I’m crying with you, dear one! Our journeys are only days apart. It’s excruciatingly hard isn’t it?

      Can I tell you how much I love her name? Charlotte Faith. Charlotte has been one of my favorite names for years and I adore that together with Faith.

      Guess what we named our little one? Scarlett Grace. 🙂 I’m imagining them in heaven together right now – two little peas in a pod. xoxox

      BIG HUGS to you, mama. I’m so glad we have Jesus.
      Adriel recently posted..The Sunshine Project: Bringing light into delivery rooms (in honor of Mothers Day)My Profile

  • Reply Happy Mother's Day to you, "perfect" mom. (Yeah, that's you.) 12 May 2013 at 7:56 pm

    […] moms in poverty through simple but amazing innovation (the Sunshine Project), and the recent loss of our daughter, Scarlett Grace, and the burden for other moms who’ve lost babies that has been born in my […]

  • Reply S. Jill Wolfe 14 May 2013 at 2:27 am

    It took me until today, this day after Mother’s Day, here in the US, to sit in quiet, able to focus and feel, reading your story. It’s just not easy to revisit, through someone else’s loss, our own areas of grief. Startling, really, how raw those encounters still rub on the wounds of familiar pain. Your words voice what some never have words to express. Thank you. I am so sorry for the hope dashed in the loss of your little girl. What a tragic loss, indeed. May you sense the sure presence of a Holy comforter whose compassions cannot fail. One who is familiar with our sufferings, Whose tender mercies never cease. Like endless waves washing up and over you, I pray a continual pouring out of healing, help and strength until you are girded up and find yourself having been carried through this valley.
    Tears today have been shed, sharing in your continued grief yet also celebrating the value of her life with you as well . I’m grieving too, over the sad reality of that mindset that does not give value to life that you faced in the most grim way, right in the midst of losing your treasured baby. I’m sorry you faced that dark mindset during one of your darkest moments. I’m glad you were mad in the devastation of sad at the right things. You can forgive her. That nurse or doctor could not possibly know the Truth of life and hold no understanding for such loss. Therefore, she is blinded by the lie of this world and in need of the Savior/Creator you know so well.
    Your little one lives eternal, Adriel…hope of heaven, more certain now than ever before.
    Hugs from the heart…
    Jill

  • Reply Tara E 21 June 2013 at 12:18 am

    just found your blog today while searching for VBAC stories… after reading about your birth stories I came to this one. it brought tears to my eyes… I have a 3 yr old son, and in the last two years or so, have lost 3 babies by miscarriage. it is such a heartbreaking experience, and only those who have gone through it can identify with the fact that this little person is such a huge part of your life and heart right from the moment they are conceived… no less significant than any other child. thankfully, I am currently 38 weeks pregnant with our rainbow baby and thank God daily for the blessing of another child. best wishes!

    • Reply Adriel 15 July 2013 at 2:43 pm

      oh goodness, dear, dear tara. what hardship you’ve endured. by now you’ve had your little one. i wonder, did you get the vbac you wanted? more importantly, are baby and mama healthy and thriving? much grace to you! enjoy those precious newborn days. xx
      Adriel recently posted..Ladies, I’m reclaiming naptime. Will you join me? My Profile

      • Reply Tara E 16 July 2013 at 1:59 am

        God is good! Not only did I get to have the VBAC I desired, but most importantly, we have a sweet healthy baby girl in our family now! God is faithful. Best wishes!

  • Reply Taylor romero 26 June 2013 at 4:01 pm

    Your words expressed exactly how I felt when I miscarried. I miscarried April 4th 2013, same a you. We were only 5weeks 5days along, but I was forever changed. I had always told God that I could handle anything but the loss of a child and I prayed many times to never have a miscarriage. When it happened, I thought I was done. Finished. Couldn’t go anymore. But God showed me a strength I never knew I had. He pulled me from the depths of despair and showed me life again. Here is it, almost three months later, and I am happy. I don’t cry because I am sad anymore, I cry because I know one day I’ll meet my baby. In heaven. As we start trying to conceive again, God has blessed me with courage and strength to not be afraid of what could happen. Thank you for sharing your story.

  • Reply Taylor romero 26 June 2013 at 4:03 pm

    And we also decided to name out baby. I believe it was a boy. We named him Bennett Reid, meaning Blessed little Redhead. It fits perfectly 🙂

  • Reply Aupair 4 July 2013 at 9:19 pm

    Adriel l was very sorry to read about the loss of your daughter, Your story and your words were very powerful and moving. l was extremely shocked to read how emotionless the doctors were. To think that you were dealing with what was the most difficult time in your life and some “alleged” professional treated you in that way. Sorry l am a bit lost for words as l am sitting here amazed that such treatment could actually occur.

    • Reply Adriel 15 July 2013 at 2:48 pm

      It was tough but I have moved on and forgiven her now. It’s made me aware even more so of how I treat others. We just never know what people are carrying and dealing with in their own hearts and treating them with kindness is so, so important.
      Adriel recently posted..Ladies, I’m reclaiming naptime. Will you join me? My Profile

  • Reply Mel 4 August 2013 at 12:25 pm

    Oh my goodness. I just wrote on your post about being a mom to boys about how disappointed I am that I’m having a girl. And then I read your words here, and I am in pain down to my core. Again, the guilt washes over me and I’m completely losing it. Your soul and your heart are so beautiful. Your daughter is beautiful, a princess of her King. The Lord guided me directly to your blog tonight and I’m so grateful.

    • Reply Adriel 4 August 2013 at 10:00 pm

      bless you mel. no shame, sister. no shame. please don’t allow yourself to be trapped under the weight of guilt. you know where our burdens need to go – on big, mighty shoulders of the One Who Understands. he understands it ALL. and our problems are never “silly” or trivial to him. xo
      Adriel recently posted..A mother’s confessional (This might get a little ugly.)My Profile

  • Reply Aprille @beautifulinhistime.com 28 September 2013 at 10:20 pm

    Wow…This post had me tearing up bad. I have no words for your loss but admire your bravery in accounting all of these emotions.
    Aprille @beautifulinhistime.com recently posted..What you didn’t see {Dear Judgmental Woman at Story Time}My Profile

    • Reply Adriel 2 October 2013 at 8:34 am

      Thanks Aprille. It was a really hard time. But seriously, there’s just grace. Grace that covers. (I don’t know what I’d do without it.)

  • Reply How to care for a friend after miscarriage as she wades through griefAdriel Booker 12 October 2013 at 12:22 pm

    […] Losing a baby to miscarriage is the most heart-breaking thing that has ever happened to me – my darkest hour followed by my most desperate days. It’s opened me up to a whole new world in which the reality of life’s fragility is so much more real, and a world where my eyes have been opened to hurting parents all around me with hopes deferred and dreams dashed. But it’s also opened me up to a world where I’ve seen over and over friends—and even casual acquaintances—that genuinely want to help. […]

  • Reply I Am From | Adriel BookerAdriel Booker 12 October 2013 at 12:26 pm

    […] sense. I am from one who made me a mother, one who showed me my own strength in adversity, and one who gave me life pouring right out from her death. (All have been […]

  • Reply Breaking the silence: Stories of miscarriage, stillbirth & baby lossAdriel Booker 15 October 2013 at 1:18 pm

    […] But, regardless of the busy, the sting was still there and for the first time I understood what others said about the sensation of aching, empty arms after losing a baby. […]

  • Reply How to prepare for a successful VBAC | 20+ VBAC & cesarean resources 16 October 2013 at 8:52 pm

    […] times, resulting in an emergency cesarean, a successful VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean), and a miscarriage at 13 weeks. Obviously all three of these experiences were extremely different, and I’ve learned—am still […]

  • Reply Louise 2 December 2013 at 10:30 pm

    What beautiful words. You give words to the pain and speak clearly of the love a mum has for her babies, whether earth side or not. There is peace in Him, I had never understood the peace until I lost my son, Quinn, this past August. You are so right when you say that they are ‘meant to be’, I too don’t understand why they aren’t meant to be for longer, but they live a life of Love through us for the rest of our days.

    I am so glad that I have found your page. I am an Aussie girl (married to an American guy) who loves all things birthy and bringing hope to the mumma’s who don’t have the same opportunities that we have. Thing I am going to enjoy it here!

  • Reply Savannah 16 December 2013 at 5:05 pm

    Adriel, I stumbled across this as I was reading another post from you, and I just wanted to express my sorrow and love for you. I had a premature little boy at 22 weeks who passed away, Oliver, and then miscarried a year later. I know some of your pain, and I know as moms in this “club” we need to uplift and support one another. It has been three years since I lost my son, and two years since my miscarriage. I can confidently tell you that healing, strength, and even more peace comes. However, just as you said, you will have Scarlett with you until the end of your days, with that there will always be some sorrow, there’s no shame in that. Not that you need any advice, but if I had any to give it would be to allow that sorrow to wash over you when it comes, feel what you need to, cry it out. Then take a deep breath, remember the blessings Scarlett has brought into your life, and hug your boys a little tighter :). Thank you for sharing your raw emotions and giving a voice to the many women who have endured what we have. Your words brought to remembrance my two sweethearts, and I love every opportunity I have to think of them :).
    (I have since successfully had a little girl who is one, and the light of my life.)

    • Reply Adriel 18 December 2013 at 10:19 pm

      Thanks for writing, Savannah. Yes to all of it – the peace, the remembering, the reasons to hug a little tighter. I’m sorry that you lost Oliver and your second child. It’s so heartbreaking. Peace to you as Christmas approaches. I hope your daughter brings joy upon joy as you celebrate this special time of year. xo
      Adriel recently posted..Bankrupt without Love – Mandela, Saint Nicholas, you and I My Profile

  • Reply Stephanie 17 December 2013 at 2:02 pm

    I came across your bog through pinterest. I have to say that I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost my baby on April 2 this year. I was only 6 weeks pregnant and had yet to hear the heartbeat. These young doctors don’t understand how we feel. My Dr was thinking I had an ovarian ectopic, and when she called to tell me that my betas were dropping she was relieved and happy. I was devastated and wanted to yell at her WTH was she happy when I was losing the baby that we had been trying for for 1 year. I did change specialists after that. You are in my prayers, dear.

    • Reply Adriel 18 December 2013 at 10:21 pm

      I’m so sorry for your experience, Stephanie. That truly is horrible. (Have you thought about writing a gentle complaint to the doctors practice? Not a malicious one – but one to help her learn how her over-medicalizing an event like that can make a mother feel? Just a thought.)

      I know it will never ever replace the little one that you lost, but I hope and pray that you will conceive again. Peace to you, dear one. xo
      Adriel recently posted..Every Mother (Really Does) Count | Thoughts on being a know-it-all and changing the worldMy Profile

  • Reply Kaitlyn 21 December 2013 at 10:49 pm

    This brings back all the memories so strongly of my d&c in October. It was my first pregnancy and i went for my second appointment and they told me that my baby’s heart had stopped beating a few days before. I was utterly devastated. I didn’t know what to think what to do. I wondered why I hadn’t been able to tell. I felt so sad that I didn’t even realize my baby had stopped growing. They asked if I wanted to schedule a d&c for the next day. I was still in shock and very upset. I hadn’t even had a chance to call my boyfriend and tell him what had happened. After, I went home and told my boyfriend the sad news. He and i spent the day together We were so sad for the loss we were both so excited to give his son a sibling and he was so excited to have a little brother or sister. The next week i had my d&c. It was the first surgery i had ever had and i was so sad. Itfelt so inhumane that they were going to take my baby from me. Just take them, scrape them and rip them out of my body. I remember walking to the operation room and when i woke up all i wanted to do was cry as soon as i saw my boyfriend and my mom there. It has been the saddest experience i have been through. But God has blessed us and we are pregnant again about 6 weeks so far.

  • Reply Goodbye, hello: The year before and the one ahead (including the 'best of' for 2013 and why we're now homeless) - Adriel Booker 13 February 2014 at 8:18 pm

    […] thousand and thirteen will forever be marked as the year we lost Scarlett. And as defining as that was, there was also so much […]

  • Reply Blessed are the mother-hearts who mourn and rejoice on Mother's Day 10 May 2014 at 5:29 pm

    […] get it. I count myself among those who have experienced miscarriage and difficulty conceiving and the threat of a potentially scary diagnosis of our unborn child. Even […]

  • Reply Jessi 24 June 2014 at 5:48 pm

    I stumbled upon this post via Pinterest and it’s beautiful. My husband and I lost a little girl a couple of months ago, much like you. I had been feeling something wasn’t right for a couple weeks, but didn’t know she was gone until we went to the doctor for an ultrasound. I had to have a D&C procedure, too. Your words perfectly described the emotions. We are, thanks be to The Lord, in the first trimester of expecting another baby, but I am often still gripped with fear. Thank you for your words of comfort.

  • Reply Among the fields of gold (Losing my baby in Italy) - Adriel Booker 5 July 2014 at 7:22 pm

    […] begin processing the tangled up mess of what just happened. (I did the same thing last year after losing our first child to miscarriage, and it was a healing balm to my battered soul. But wow, are these two stories different.) Please […]

  • Reply Under the Olive Tree (A letter to my baby) - Adriel Booker 16 October 2014 at 1:33 am

    […] miscarriage stories: The Day I Lost My Baby (Scarlett Grace) and Among the Fields of Gold: Losing My Baby in Italy (Oliver David). You can […]

  • Reply Sprinkle 14 November 2014 at 4:22 am

    This was so beautifully written. So achingly familiar. Such a wonderful reminder of the gift of Grace and Peace. http://sprinkleblog.blogspot.com/2009/03/my-angel-in-heaven.html
    Sprinkle recently posted..ISISMy Profile

    • Reply Adriel 18 November 2014 at 1:37 am

      I’m so sorry for your loss. x

  • Reply Why I believe in early pregnancy announcements 18 April 2015 at 3:07 am

    […] I wrote a lot when we lost Scarlett Grace, and then again when we lost Oliver David, I haven’t felt I have much to say this time. I feel […]

  • Reply Roshlin 13 March 2016 at 1:55 am

    Hi Adriel,
    I am a mother who lost a very beautiful baby boy, Noah Ian, fifteen days back due to MAS. For many days I hoped that he will live as he was in the NICU. But he is declared brain dead. He is so perfect that there seems nothing wrong with him but he is lifeless 100% on ventilator. I have cried so much that sometimes there are no tears but my heart aches so much everything in my body hurts. I look at things that were prepared for him and I just feel if I could just hold him once in my hands and press him so close to my chest, he would come alive.
    Through all this the one I got closest to is my Father in heaven, I have understood the heaps he loves me for choosing me to go through this. I waited for a miracle desperately but my Lord was building me up for greater things, for every sorrow I sow I will reap in joy, every mysterious things will be bright at last, every thorny way will have a joyful end.
    I have fallen in love with Jesus all the more and I know I can withstand any painful trail again now with his grace.
    I carried Noah in my womb for the whole of nine months feeling him and loving every bit of him, but my husband George couldn’t have that privlege of rather nothing , the child he had dreams of, who he carried in his heart and mind for nine months, all he gets to do is bury his little boy while he is still alive. I am baffled by the man”s faith that no power on earth or heaven can separate him from the love of Christ.
    Even though I am here a part of me is in Heaven and I want to encourage you with the same. Our babies are in the best place ever my friend with our Father in his arms. Our aim is holiness and see them in heaven.
    God bless you Adriel and may God”s sovereign and divine will be done in our lives.

    • Reply Adriel Booker 31 March 2016 at 12:55 pm

      Hi Roshlin. Thank you for your kind words and for sharing some of your story here. I’m so sorry for your devastating loss. We truly learn suffering in a way unfathomable if we’ve walked through the death of a child. My hope is that we all can learn to trust God during our times of rejoining and our times of suffering, in times of abundance and in times of scarcity, and that we can—as a church—learn to walk well with one another through it all. I’m so glad you have a wonderful husband and support around you. x
      Adriel Booker recently posted..Why I believe in early pregnancy announcements despite the risk (and fear) of miscarriageMy Profile

  • Reply Melissa Johnson 6 May 2016 at 8:32 am

    Wow I’m so glad I stumbled upon your page. Truly a God send. February 15th 2016 I deliver my handsome son “Carter Isaiah Johnson”. I was 22 weeks and shortly after delivery he went to be with my Savior Jesus Christ. The last nearly 3 months have been the most painful roller coaster I’ve been on. My husband and I had been praying to conceive for 7 years when we unexpectedly found out we were pregnant without any meds or fertility treatments. We know God is still good and trust him. Now making the decision to try again brings fear in the midst of my faith and your story has provided me hope and encouragement. We have amazing friends and family and are strong believers so we know God peace is keeping us. But it’s hard I know 15 other woman that are pregnant and why my baby had to go heaven bothers me but I know I’ll see him again and God bless the day we are reunited in glory. If they’re are any other resources you can lead me to please do. God bless you for your openness.

    • Reply Adriel Booker 9 May 2016 at 10:25 am

      Thanks for sharing some of your story, Melissa. What a heartbreaking series of events you’ve endured. I’m so sorry. It makes it so hard when life goes on around you and it seems everyone else is having babies. That’s pretty unescapable, isn’t it? Especially with social media streaming it to you on a daily basis. So glad you have supportive friends and family, as well as a faith you can lean into. You could try join Hope Mommies on facebook. It’s a group of Christian women dedicated to ministering to others who have lost babies to miscarriage and stillbirth. All the best for you on your journey of healing. May you experience the grace of God in ways you never thought possible.
      Love, Adriel x

  • Reply Luis Doporto 5 August 2016 at 6:04 pm

    Great writing!

  • Reply Oreilia Dilgee 14 December 2016 at 5:07 pm

    Hi. I was 25 weeks pregnant. Was so healthy during my pregnancy but gave birth prematurely. My baby boy lived for 3 days. Im still in so much shock and im miss feeling his little kicks close to my heary. Now there is nothing.. painful but I believe that in time it will get better.

    • Reply Adriel Booker 2 January 2017 at 3:42 pm

      Oh dear one, I’m so sorry for your incredible loss. The sorrow is deep and heavy. Much love to you as you navigate life and process your grief. xoxo

  • Reply Amber Tucker 20 December 2016 at 4:21 pm

    I am feeling this same pain as I write this. My baby girl was born 9/29/16 @ 18 weeks sleeping. I honestly don’t know if I’m grieving properly but I can’t function daily. I’m feeling lonely, confused, depressed, unloved, unwanted, lonely, angry. I don’t even know if I deserve to be loved because I’m such a failure. I let down my family, friends and everyone who was waiting to meet her down. I’ve always been good to people and I’ve always tried to live right so I don’t understand why God would destroy my entire being. My will to live is through my children. I only have one son who’s 12 yrs old so she would’ve completed my family as I’m approaching 36 I feel defeated. All I ever wanted was to be a “mommy.” Is God so angry with me that he’d forsake me??

    • Reply Adriel Booker 2 January 2017 at 3:41 pm

      Oh Amber, I’m so sorry for your incredible loss. You are so normal for feeling all of what you feel. To lose a child is a thing a parent should NEVER have to go through like this——I’m convinced of that. I believe with my whole heart that the loss of your baby is NOT because God is angry with you. A kind, good, loving God would not do this. The scriptures say that God is the author of LIFE not death so I truly don’t believe God causes this to happen.

      What is your support like, Amber? Are you able to talk about this with your husband or partner or a friend? You also might want to consider speaking with your doctor about this or seeing a counselor while the grief is still fresh. There is a really lovely community on facebook that you also might like to join. It’s full of mothers sharing similar circumstances and feelings and you could also find some support there. https://www.facebook.com/groups/hopemommies/

      Big hugs and much grace to you as you process all this grief.

      love, adriel

  • Reply Noelle Nouneh 2 April 2017 at 2:40 am

    Thank you for the courage and vulnerability it takes to share about what you went through. And praise God for the Peace He gives us!

  • Reply Rashmi 22 September 2017 at 4:36 pm

    Hi Adriel,
    I too lost my baby recently.
    I had the baby in me for 36 weeks and lost it, due to doctor’s negligence.
    This is my first pregnancy. the baby gave me lots of happiness till the day I lost it.
    I really feel like hugging you and crying out loud.
    I am trying to come out of it. Thanks for sharing your story.

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